Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year's Grieving

He's a morbid and truculent hunk
By her portrait he's struck and then sunk
So he started in drinkin' --
It's no party, he's stinkin' --
On dead Laura this sucker is drunk.

Dana Andrews is obsessed with a portrait of Gene Tierney in Laura (1944). Happy new year, LimerWreckers! Take it easy out there tonight, and please celebrate safely.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Laird Ass

He was built to a scary extreme
Overfilled the frame, tearing a seam
A character actor
And star malefactor
To the hilt he played, Laird was supreme.

David Cairns

Actor Laird Cregar dwarfed co-stars Veronica Lake in This Gun For Hire (1942) and Merle Oberon in The Lodger (1944).

Saturday, December 29, 2012


Playing cops with a lot on their plate,
Acting chops and his weight were both great
Felt too wide, saw a diet
And decided to try it
But was stopped by the rottenest fate.

Top: Laird Cregar as creepy detective "Ed Cornell", in I Wake Up Screaming (1941). Title by outsized talent David Cairns. From wikipedia: "When assigned the role of demented pianist George Bone in Hangover Square (1945), Cregar decided to give the character a "romantic" veneer, and, to that end, lost more than a hundred pounds on a crash diet which included prescribed amphetamines. The strain on his system resulted in severe abdominal problems; a few days after undergoing stomach surgery, Cregar died of a heart attack. He was 31 years old."  It was a tragic loss of a singular talent.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Bedside Moaner

In your room the cop squats like a toad
In your boudoir, your private abode
Like a crook, when he chooses
Says he's looking for clueses
Then the gloomy old sot hits the road.

David Cairns

Laird Cregar physically dominates the early noir I Wake Up Screaming (Bruce Humberstone; 1941). With Victor Mature.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Defective Detective

He's a pest who presumes he's in charge
Though no guest, into rooms he will barge
Off the beam and obsessive,
He's extremely possessive
You're hard pressed, and he looms very large.

Betty Grable and the menacing shadow of Laird Cregar in I Wake Up Screaming (Bruce Humberstone; 1941). Cregar plays the very first in a long line of obsessed cops in film noir -- and does it brilliantly. 

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

'Twas the Gunfight Before Christmas

To and fro, through the snow and the sleet
Ten below? He'll complete his Yule feat
But the thang that could stop him
Is if gangbangers pop him,
So, ho ho! Santa's packin' some heat.

Nothing says Christmas quite like heavy ordnance. Ron and Barbara Ingram pose with Santa for a photograph at the third annual "Santa and Machine Guns" event at the Scottsdale Gun Club in Scottsdale, Ariz. There are photos like this all over the internet. Merry Christmas, America! Norm Knott loaded the title.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Kris Kringle's Singles

Image © 2012 Hilary Barta.

Ev'ry year the same platters he'll spin,
His poor eardrums harassed by the din
As the discs go around
He's so sick of the sound
It appears he gets plastered on gin.

Spinning singles and drinking doubles, station WXMS is on the air! Merry Christmas from the Surly Santa and the evil elves at LimerWrecks. Art by Surly Hack, color by holidazed Dave Punk.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to SLAY

While the weather outside may be frightful
Would you rather reside with this night ghoul?
This sepulchral old squire
Wants to skulk by the fire
Father Christmas, mad-eyed, comes to blight Yule.

David Cairns

Beware of Santa Boris Karloff and his scary saggy sack.

"Later on, we'll expire, as we scream by the fire..."

This hussy is not without sin
Her husband, the hottie's done in
So Santa comes calling,
His antics appalling,
And justice is gotten therein.

Joan Collins, roasting on an open fire in Tales from the Crypt (1972). Title by crispy David Cairns, who started the whole Crypt of Christmas thing. Happy holidays, horror hounds!

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I Saw Mommy Killed by Santa Claus

This Santa don't jump down your flue
And he shan't come to town just for you
Saint Nick's on a spree
If his victim don't flee
Then the frantic young strumpet gets slew.

David Cairns


I don't want this daffy guy mad at me
On a jaunt from the laughing academy
In his whiskers and cap
There's a risk he might snap
Nonchalantly afflicting anatomy.

David Cairns

Oliver MacGreevy as a psychotic Santa, attacking Joan Collins by the fire in Tales from the Crypt (Freddie Francis, 1972).

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Slay Belles

'Tis the time for a Christmasy jingle
About slimy and dismal Kris Kringle
There's no reason for joy,
Nor one seasonal toy,
When his crimes and this missy commingle.

Christmas sickos don't live at the pole
Icky Nick here will give only coal
As he lunges at you,
Asking "One lump or two?"
Nicky sticks a sharp shiv in your soul.

Tales from the Crypt (1972) pits Joan Collins against Oliver MacGreevy as a psycho Santa. Title by sleigh driver David Cairns.

Friday, December 21, 2012

The Weirdo Outside is Frightful

This lunatic bent on her slaughter
Soon entered, let in by her daughter
The lopped-up crime scene
Made the cops turn lime green
'Cause the goon went berserk when he caught her.

David Cairns

Oliver MacGreevy as a sicko Santa throttles Joan Collins in Tales from the Crypt (Freddie Francis, 1972).

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Hell's Jingle Bells

Don't believe in the costume he stole
He's an evil and hostile old troll
And this squalid old peeper
Is a holiday creeper --
Christmas eve he crawled out of a hole.

Surly Hack

Your brains he'll dash out in the snow
Your remains will get mashed to and fro
Your blood he will shed
That's why he wears red
So stains from the gashes won't show.

David Cairns

Oliver MacGreevy is a caustic Claus, creeping out Joan Collins in Tales from the Crypt (Freddie Francis; 1972). 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Fright Before Christmas

Kringled Kris is more scary than merry
With this miss he plays cat and canary
As she crawls through the house,
The once ball-breaking mouse
Barely whispers a prayerful Hail Mary.

Joan Collins hides from Santa in Tales from the Crypt (1972).

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Yule and Unusual Punishment

To your home he has crept, in he's peeking
All alone, first you wept -- now you're freaking
The old creep at your pane
Is so deeply insane,
It's all over except for the shrieking.

Asylum escapee turned slasher Santa, Oliver MacGreevy terrorizes Joan Collins in Tales from the Crypt (Freddie Francis, 1972).

Monday, December 17, 2012


This Santa's an elf to be feared
Like Satan himself in a beard
He's abandoned his sack
For a random attack
Time to panic -- this hell-freak is...weird!

David Cairns with Surly Hack

Joan Collins and Oliver MacGreevy in Tales from the Crypt (1972). This horror film was derived from a comic book of the same name, published in the 1950s by EC Comics. Other EC titles were PANIC, WEIRD SCIENCE, and WEIRD FANTASY.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Twas the Knife Before Christmas

Don't answer the bell to St Nick
Look askance at the hellish old hick
In his bag, as a present
Is a dagger, unpleasant
Which perchance in your belly he'll stick.

David Cairns

Oliver MacGreevy is the maniac in the Santa suit in "And All Through The House", the first segment in Tales from the Crypt (1972).

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Cruel Yule

'Neath the mistletoe, pretty and sleazy,
Sits this miss -- a great Brit -- who's uneasy
She gets antsy in thrillers
In which Santas are killers...
This is Christmas as written at EC.

EC Comics that is, the source for the stories in the anthology horror film Tales from the Crypt (Freddie Francis, 1972), which stars Joan Collins. Title by David Cairns, burning the midnight yule blog. Welcome to The Crypt of Christmas. Our regular features Vampire Weekends and Dwight Frye-Days will return after the holidays.

Friday, December 14, 2012

My Lee Massacre

No mere "cutie" was luscious Lee Remick
Her great beauty was such 'twas systemic
With her eyes a deep green
That most guys hadn't seen,
Male pursuit was a crushing pandemic.

Lee Remick (December 14, 1935 – July 2, 1991) was a terrific actress and a stunning beauty. People wrote songs about her.
Here's my favorite, an achingly touching one by Michael Smith

'Tis the season to -- Bejesus!

It's always the same -- sleighbells jingle
There's a Babel of song from Der Bingle
My knees go all tottery
I freeze, blood's ice-watery
I'm unstable when faced with this Kringle.

David Cairns

Bubba Bing Crosby scares the crap out of the kids. For those of you who recoil at the commercialization of Christmas, the evil elves at LimerWrecks offer a festively frightful alternative. Stay tuned!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Bride and Boom!

A horrific yet humorous ode
In which stiffs were exhumed, split and sewed
When a being's assembled
All those seeing him trembled
Getting miffed as a groom, he'll explode.

Boris Karloff blows his flat-top in Bride of Frankenstein (1935). Title by detonator David Cairns.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Playing Godawful

When this madman with sacrilege toyed,
Doing bad was an act he enjoyed
For God's power he'd thirst,
But by knowledge was cursed...
Such cadaverous quacks are destroyed.

Ernest Theisinger's Doctor Pretorius gets his in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale, 1935). Title by Shadowplay-ing David Cairns.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Heir Abhorrent

He's the blaspheming Baron's big boy
Strong and massive, but no pride and joy
Made from riven, dead pieces
That were given new leases,
He's a bastard whose dad he'll destroy.

Boris Karloff as the monster in Bride of Frankenstein (1935). Title by David Cairns of the monstrously informative film blog Shadowplay.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Putting the Cartesian Before the Hearse

Being saddled with shoddy used parts,
He is addled, a clod without smarts
But his heart and his soul,
Though re-started, are whole,
Like that mind-body thing of Descartes's.

Surly Hack and David Cairns

Boris Karloff in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale, 1935).

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Pest in Show

Down in secretive crypts where fog billows
Prince of Darkness has kipped on soft pillows
In a chest made of pine
He'd been resting his spine
Since he tripped on those damn armadillos.

David Cairns

One of the strangest things in Dracula (1931) is the appearance of armadillos in the castle in Transylvania. The species is native to the Americas, not Europe. Limerick lexicon: Kip (British) sleep or slumber; to sleep or take a nap. Vampire Weekends is fumigating.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

A Drain in the Neck

Count Dracula goes for the throat
He attacks, I suppose, as by rote
At necklines a-plunging
He's recklessly lunging
With no slacking, Lord knows, he will bloat.

In The Return of the Vampire (Lew Landers, 1944), neck man Bela Lugosi isn't Dracula, he's "Armand Tesla", putting the bite on Nina Foch. Vampire Weekends draws blood every Saturday and Sunday.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Stir Frye

What gets hobgoblin Dwight all excited,
Makes him throb in delight as it's sighted?
Bolts of lightning and thunder?
Graveyard sites ripe for plunder?
Or a mob, torches bright, when incited?

Dwight Frye gets his kicks as Fritz in Frankenstein (James Whale, 1931). Get your fill of Frye every week on Dwight Frye-Days.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

All's Whale That Ends Wail

A bit thick, the big freak's getting antsy,
Worried sick he won't speak to her fancy
Then his bride looks around,
Opens wide, makes a sound...
And the chick starts to shriek like a banshee!

Elsa Lanchester and Boris Karloff in James Whale's Bride of Frankenstein (1935).

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Mister Wrong

"Meet the Mrs.", the monster was told
"Yours to kiss, and to have and to hold."
So he tried an "I do",
All his bride heard was "Boo!",
And poor Mr. was out in the cold.

Elsa Lanchester hisses and dismisses Boris Karloff in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale, 1932).

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Her Parts Desire?

He was lonely and pined for mate
Someone sewn with more kindness than hate
But the parts-order lug
At her heartstrings won't tug
Muscles toned, but his mind doesn't rate.

Colin Clive, Elsa Lanchester, Boris Karloff and Ernest Theisinger in 
Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale, 1932).

Monday, December 3, 2012

Unwrap Party

In her trappings, form fit, she's a sight
Though she's wrapped just a little too tight
As this horror reborn
Goes once more round the horn,
Just perhaps, she should quit wearing white.

Ernest Theisinger and Colin Clive behold Elsa Lanchester in Bride of Frankenstein (1935). Thanks to Tim Roznowski for the idea.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Forever After Hours

He can't wait to commit an all-nighter
Goes out late, but won't quit till it's brighter
Likes to chew -- just for kicks --
Making two little pricks...
On a date he's bit of a biter.

Béla Lugosi is Dracula (1931), and this is Vampire Weekends.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Lunge Lizard

Run amok has the gulping Lugosi
He's the plucker of pulchritude's posy
After offing some wretch
In his coffin he'll stretch,
Where the bloodsucking culprit gets cozy.

Francis Dade as Lucy Weston and Béla Lugosi as Dracula (1931). 
Title by lunge-worthy David Cairns for Vampire Weekends.