Teenage Raceland

Her mom and her pop can't be squarer 

The prom? A darn sock hop? Please spare her!
But let her drive fast
And she gets quite a blast
Atomic jalopies spread terror!


Lobby cards for Hot-Rod Girl (Leslie H. Martinson; 1956) promised Teen-age Terrorists burning up the streets!

Rock Around the Block

The heart rates in hot-rods will quicken
As car crazy knot-heads play "chicken"
Though racing high-speed
Is bracing indeed
Sub-par soup and plots never thicken.

UK poster for Hot-Rod Girl (Leslie H. Martinson; 1956).

Another Fine Message

It has a Deep Thought for its day
That Nuke-U-Ler War’s not okay;
But for all of its' strivin’
The kids at the drive-in
Aren’t watching the screen anyway.

Paul Truster


Teenage Caveman (Roger Corman; 1958) stars Robert Vaughn and Darah Marshall.

Crew Loose

"Hit the bricks!" says this daring girl gang
As the chicks in it bare claw and fang
They lie, cheat and steal
And die if they squeal
This flick is B fare with a bang.

Girls on the Loose (Paul Henreid; 1958)

Moore or Less

At drive-ins the kids were excited

Alive with libidos ignited
But ads they believed
Film cads had conceived
Not a thigh, flank or middle was sighted.

David Cairns

Okay, there were a few thighs on view in Over-Exposed (Lewis Seiler; 1956).

Hot Carcass

The wheels in this racket are hot
But appeal of this hack-job ain't plot
Just glance at the scheming
Joi Lansing, hi-beaming 
This dealer's chick's stacked on the lot.

Joi Lansing works for a crooked used car dealer in Hot Cars (Don McDougall; 1956). It's obvious they're not selling cars here.

A Poor Show of Hands

This horror's a permanent lull
A snore-fest -- the term here is "dull"
There's hate and there's killing
But mate, it ain't thrilling
From boredom you'll squirm, scratch your skull.



Paul Lukather, James Stapleton, Joan Harvey, and Michael Rye in the earnest-but-awful talkathon Hands of a Stranger (Newt Arnold; 1962). Hard to believe that this inept junk is based on the same story as is the brilliant Mad Love (1935).

Infernal Youth

 

That males run amok only teaches 

Young gals they're the pluck-worthy peaches

For when girls start aging

The men stop engaging

Old frail chicks must suck just like leeches.

At least that's the message of The Leech Woman (Edward Dein; 1960)

Swamp Fling

The bayou's not great for a romp
So why take a date to a swamp?
There's heat day and night
Mosquitoes that bite
And sly eight foot gators that chomp. 

Lure of the Swamp (Hubert Cornfield, 1957).

Kilt Trip

Dimension looms deep in the fog
But tension? You'll sleep like a log
What person is scared
By this cursed Scottish laird?
Did I mention the creep is a frog?



Veronica Hurst and Katherine Emery navigate The Maze (1953), directed in 3-D by William Cameron Menzies. It was his final film as production designer and director.

Teenage Face Panned

Getting kicks ain't enough for this teen
He's grown sick of the stuff he found keen
Now he's moody, depressed 
Always brooding, distressed
Meeting chicks can be tough when you're green.


Gary Conway and Whit Bissell in a lobby card from I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (Herbert L. Strock; 1957).

Uncomfortably Dumb

Some cheer for films maudlin and sappy
Brassiere-burstin' broads make some happy 
Those with minimal taste
Pursue cinema waste
Only weirdos applaud stuff this crappy.

Robot Monster aka Monster from Mars (Phil Tucker; 1953) was originally released in 3D, but the script and characters lack any depth whatsoever.

Rotten to the Cortex

This freak has been made from spare parts 

Physique it's displayed, but not smarts 

Lifts weights in a gym

But dates find him grim

This reeks, I'm afraid, like stale farts.

Angela Blake recoils from Gary Conway in I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (Herbert L. Strock; 1957). Title by brainy Donald Benson.

Promo-Seltzer

 

Such posters explain double-bills 

And boast of insane double-thrills
But it takes just one flick 

To make someone sick

Due mostly to braincells it kills. 

I Was a Teenage Werewolf (Gene Fowler Jr; 1957); Dragstrip Girl (Edward L. Cahn; 1957).

Beach Blanket Endorsement?

At seaside, these fellas turn randy
It's easy when belles are so handy
Babes boasting bikinis
And roasting their weenies
A squeeze would be swell but too sandy.

One can only imagine what former stars Brian Donleavy, Mickey Rooney, and Buster Keaton thought about appearing in How to Stuff a Wild Bikini (William Asher; 1965).

Beach Blanket Bimbo

Obscene the ads say--this film's "blue"! 
But what's seen on display isn't new
A bore and a tease
No horror, just sleaze
Wide-screen AIP switcheroo! 

Harvey Lembeck and the Rat Pack motorcycle gang, and Susan Hart as The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (Don Weis; 1966), a production from American International Pictures (AIP). The "invisible bikini" was see-through, but all the audience saw was the background. Limerick assist by Donald "Blue Boy" Benson.

Immaterial Girl

Bikinis? Risqué peek-a-boo?
Dumb teenagers pay for a view
Once tickets are paid for
The trick has been played, for
It's G-rated fake ballyhoo.


The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (Don Weis; 1966). Thanks to Donald "Beach Blanket" Benson for the assist.

BallyHOO BOY!

MDs in such schlock will play God 
This cheesy film doc's rather odd

The weasel's all hands 
As he seizes the glands

From pleasing pleasin' Miss Todd's rockin' bod.

Psychiatrist John Carradine is the nominal star, but curvaceous Playmate Sally Todd is all over the promotion of The Unearthly (Brook L. Peters aka Boris Petroff; 1957).

A Big Gland For the Little Lady

To this trap many victims are lured
Where the saps are made sicker, not cured
With new organs inserted
Become horrors perverted
Perhaps for such tricks they're insured?


Tor Johnson carries Sally Todd in a lobby card for The Unearthly ( Brook L. Peters aka Boris Petroff; 1957).

Once More Into The Beach...Movies

The eyes are like two limpid pools
But guys, not the cue balls in ghouls!
It's haunted, the sea
And daunted you'll be
Surprise! This thing chews human fools!

The make-out session between Antony Carbone and Betsy Jones-Moreland is interrupted by the Creature from the Haunted Sea (Roger Corman; 1961).