Friday, July 13, 2018

Imployees' Entrance



Doctor Frankenstein's problem's this ditz.
Working cranks, twisting knobs he's the pits.
But when wages are modest,
One engages the oddest.
Filling thankless-type jobs, one gets Fritz.

Dwight Frye as the mad doctor's assistant Fritz in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931).

Thursday, July 12, 2018

The Wrong Silent Type



With no comeback, no pun, or a quip,
This mummy's not funny or hip
Though an herbal aroma
Gets him stirred from his coma,
He's been dumb since his tongue got a snip.

Lon Chaney silently stars in The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg; 1944). Title by Donald B. Benson, a type "B" personality.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

We'll Always Have Kharis

 

Through sequels unending he trudges
He creaks when he bends or he budges
This non-speaking part
Has Lon losing heart
He's piqued with defendable grudges.

David Cairns

Lon Chaney (by this point he'd dropped the 'Jr.') played the Mummy in three films at Universal, and always in a rotten mood. He's shown here in The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg; 1944). Or is it The Mummy's Tomb? The Mummy's Leg Warmers? Who can tell them apart?

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Fifty Shades of Decay



No, you can't get a girl when you're ghoulish
Though you rant or act surly and mulish
As a thing from the crypt,
Keep your dingus well zipped
In your pants, or the world finds you foolish.

David Cairns

Lon Chaney carries Elyse Knox to The Mummy's Tomb (Harold Young; 1942). Title by Donald Benson, decaying at the temples.

Monday, July 9, 2018

Black and White and Dead All Over



Of mummies laid deep remain leery
When summoned from sleep they're quite dreary
They drag bandaged legs
Through mags from the dregs
Quite chummy with Creepy and Eerie.



Uncle Creepy and Cousin Eerie were the eponymous mascots and hosts of Creepy and Eerie, black and white horror comics magazines. The Mummy was a recurring feature in Eerie. The cover painting on Eerie #12 (November, 1967) is by Dan Adkins, depicting a scene from The Mummy's Curse (Leslie Goodwins; 1944). Title by dead inside Donald B. Benson.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Clods and Monsters



High windows glow bright in the dark
Huge engines ignite with a spark
Though God disapproves,
The body...it moves..!
The minion delights--what a lark!

Dwight Frye is the hunchbacked assistant to Colin Clive, reacting to the arm of Boris Karloff or his stand-in in this scene from Frankenstein (James Whale, 1931).

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Hotep Slowtstep



He comes looming and shuffling slowly
He's all gloomy and scruffy, unholy
Please beware of the beat
Of those bare, cloth-wrapped feet
(They add booms, soft and muffled, with foley).

David Cairns

Archaeologist Ralph Norton (Bramwell Fletcher) is startled by Imhotep (Boris Karloff), aka The Mummy (Karl Freund; 1932).

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Dearly De-Parted



The old man from the sands once was spiffy.
But today how he stands is quite iffy.
Could some slinky young dame
Light his kinky old flame?
He's devoid of all glands, and of stiffy.

Donald B. Benson

Jeanne Roland, Dickie Owen, and Terence Morgan in The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb (Michael Carreras; 1964).

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Sarcophagi and Gal



Oh, no! It's that freaky old Mummy
Although he can't speak, he's no dummy
His parts have all dried
But his heart's still inside
And so he still seeks to get chummy.

Yvonne Furneaux is faced with Christopher Lee as Kharis, The Mummy (1959).

Monday, July 2, 2018

The Withered of Gauze



Pre-Caesar, the bore is past senile
This geezer from shore along the Nile.
With his shrink-wrapped advance
Does he think there's a chance
To please her? To score? He's in de-nial.

Donald B. Benson

Dickie Owen reaches out to Jeanne Roland in The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb (Michael Carreras; 1964).

Friday, June 29, 2018

Ready, Set, Gofer!



The Bride needs a functioning ticker
To provide, here's a punk who's much sicker
Send Karl off at once
He's a gnarly old dunce
Played by Frye, finest flunky of flicker.

David Cairns

Dwight Frye, Colin Clive, and Ernest Thesiger in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Thursday, June 28, 2018

Too Darn Thoth



His wrapping in tatters a-dangle,
He's happy to batter and mangle.
Exposed and half-dressed,
She shows off her chest,
Which flaps at a flattering angle.

Eddie Powell carries Maggie Kimberly in The Mummy's Shroud (John Gilling; 1967). Title by that darn David Cairns.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

A May-Dismember Relationship



His bones creak and crack when he walks
His moans freak the stacked one he stalks
When he gropes for a clinch
He needs ropes and a winch
So, alone, wrapped in sack-cloth, he gawks.

 David Cairns

Maggie Kimberly and Eddie Powell (as the Mummy, right) in a lobby card for The Mummy's Shroud (John Gilling; 1967).

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

The Sewer Thing



Down the drains is a shade who's gauze-wrapped
When this ancient sees ladies he's rapt
He's no catch, to be sure
Down the hatch, in the sewer
He's all stained cause he wades where we crapped.

David Cairns

Dickie Owen and Jeanne Roland in The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb (Michael Carreras; 1964).

Monday, June 25, 2018

Flushed With Passion



He flees with this dish in the sewer
He sees she's delish, thinks he'll do her
But he's terribly old
His scarab's grown cold
And, wheezing, he'll wish he was newer.

Dickie Owen as the Mummy Ra-Antef, carries Jeanne Roland in The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb (Michael Carreras; 1964). Title by four-flusher David Cairns.

Friday, June 22, 2018

Dwight Hand Man



Mad medics in need of a limb,
Hire ready men, greedy and grim
This loser, a brute
Is gruesome, not cute
Incredibly seedy and dim.



Dim-witted Karl (Dwight Frye) is startled in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935). Title by Dwight-handed David Cairns.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

A Bum, Wrapped



Back from death comes a creaking old mummy
Looking weathered, it's reeking and scummy
Shorn of tongue, never talks
While a young maid it stalks
Spewing breath that's unspeakably crummy.

Surly Hack with Donald B. Benson

Yvonne Furneaux is carried away by Christopher Lee in The Mummy (Terence Fisher; 1959), the first of four Mummy films from Hammer Films.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

The Crypt Peeper



He's ragged and musty, unspeaking
She gags in disgust then starts shrieking
The Mummy in gauze
Keeps coming, won't pause--
Her magnified bustline he's seeking.



Eddie Powell pursues Maggie Kimberly in The Mummy's Shroud (John Gilling; 1967).

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

My Pharaoh Lady



Never plunder sarcophagi rooms
Such a blunder most often spells doom
Refrain from a break in
Or ancients awaken
Like these wondrous and boffo bazooms.



In Blood From the Mummy's Tomb (Seth Holt; 1971), Valerie Leon is endowed with dual roles.

Monday, June 18, 2018

Pyramid Screams



Near Luxor, a burial scene
Dumb schmucks there would dare intervene
They pry into tomb,
And cry "Va va voom!
A buxom and scary old queen!"

Surly Hack and Donald B. Benson
 


Valerie Leon as Queen Tera in Blood From the Mummy's Tomb (Seth Holt; 1971).

Friday, June 15, 2018

The Thin Dwight Crook



When the gallows is robbed in the night
And the hallowed earth's lobbed out of sight
There's one creep, lame and halt
That's to blame and at fault
It's that callow and hobbling Dwight!

David Cairns

Colin Clive and Dwight Frye excitedly eye the hanged man in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931).

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Olfactory Workers

 

Dead stagger like well-sozzled drunks 
Each rag-wearing fellow spelunks
Confined in the mine
You find you're not fine
You gag on the smell--then blow chunks.



The Plague of the Zombies (John Gilling; 1966)

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Rotten to the Pores


Its pace is more laggard than zippy,
Its face far too haggard and drippy.
Undead and unthinking,
Unsteady and stinking...
Disgracefully shaggy...a hippie?
 
No, it's not the Hippy Drippy Weatheredman. It's a walking corpse from The Plague of the Zombies (John Gilling; 1966).

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Living Death Certificate

 

In declaring them dead I was hasty
Now their bearing's unsteady, skin pasty
Though I'm chilled to the marrow
Unlike films of Romero
I'm not scared that my head will prove tasty.

Doctor Peter Tompson (Brook Williams) is threatened by The Plague of the Zombies (John Gilling; 1966. Title by certifiable David Cairns.

Monday, June 11, 2018

Compost-Mortem



They're laid in the ground, but arise
Be afraid! From their mounds they surprise
Then, roused from their slumber
They drowsily lumber
Degraded, surrounded by flies.

David Cairns

Up from the grave comes The Plague of the Zombies (John Gilling; 1966).

Friday, June 8, 2018

Henry and Goon



My irksome assistant's complaining
The jerk seems resistant to training
A bent-over fool
Demented and cruel
From work he's dismissed for bad-braining.

Dwight Frye, Colin Clive, and Boris Karloff or his stand-in in Frankenstein (James Whale, 1931).

Thursday, June 7, 2018

The Working Dead



Were they dead, or indifferently dozing?
These much-dreaded big stiffs, so imposing
They've strayed from their graves
And been made into slaves
Now they headily whiff, decomposing.

David Cairns

The dead rise up--right up into the nostrils. The Plague of the Zombies (John Gilling; 1966)

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Minimum Wage Slaves



They're common folk, working class slobs
Embalmed, but still lurking in mobs
These louts on the dole
Crawled out of a hole
Though zombified jerks, they need jobs.

The Plague of the Zombies (John Gilling; 1966) is all about class and capitalism.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Working Stiffs



Once buried in graves, boxed in pine,
They make very good slaves in the mine.
Living dead, they don't shirk,
But come ready to work.
They don't scare during cave-ins, or whine.



Villagers are turned into a living dead labor force in The Plague of the Zombies (John Gilling; 1966), recalling the sugarcane mill in the 1932 film White Zombie.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Out With the Old, In With the Nubile



On screen they've dispensed with restraint
Now clean gals and gents just seem quaint
Each sequence a quest
To peek girls undressed
The Breen era censors would faint!

Vampire Ingrid Pitt puts the bite on Madeline Smith in The Vampire Lovers (Roy Ward Baker; 1970), the first part of Hammer Films' so-called 'Karnstein Trilogy', gothic horror films which explicitly depict lesbian vampire themes.

Friday, June 1, 2018

Tease Play

 

This fright film is morbid and haunting
Its lightning-fueled horror most daunting
The "it" they create
Grows bitter, learns hate
Or might just be sore from the taunting.

Colin Clive and Dwight Frye face the off-camera Monster of Frankenstein (James Whale, 1931).

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Leave It to Cleavage



The bosoms are heaving at Hammer
Where floozies of feverish glamor
Run around all bare-breasted
Ungowned and full-chested
Enthusing the skeevy, who clamor.

David Cairns



Ingrid Pitt and Kate O'Mara in The Vampire Lovers (Roy Ward Baker; 1970). Title left by Donald B. Benson.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Vampire Brat



There's two, that's one's good, this one's bad
And woo hoo! She's quite lewd, barely clad
But the brat bites your throat
And then that's all she wrote
You're all through getting screwed--you've been had!

David Cairns with Surly Hack



Real life identical twins Mary and Madeleine Collinson star in Twins of Evil (John Hough, 1971).

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Identical Crisis



Seems dudes find bare skin most inviting
Half-nude, nubile twins? How exciting!
When sisters both strip
Resistance is zip
It's lewd, but the finish is biting.



Mary and Madeleine Collinson are identical Twins of Evil (John Hough, 1971). One's good, one's a vampire.

Monday, May 28, 2018

Undead Ringers



Identical down to their toes
Each sister's a fine Maltese rose
Adroitly, their glamour's
Exploited by Hammer
Though tending to overexpose.

David Cairns



Maltese identicals Mary and Madeleine Collinson are the Twins of Evil (John Hough; 1971), the third film of Hammer's Karnstein Trilogy, based on the vampire tale Carmilla by Sheridan Le Fanu.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Brainwashout



He's a blockhead, a hateful wee wart
Whom the doc will berate or exhort
He's a germ-ridden grouch
With a permanent crouch
And a walking-stick greatly too short.

David Cairns

Fritz (Dwight Frye) is startled in Frankenstein James Whale; 1931).

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Voyage to the Bottom of Chris Lee



In The Lord of the Rings Lee's a smash
Strikes a chord playing things that act rash
As a ghoul he's true boo
Like his cool Fu Manchu
He'd have scored playing Ming versus Flash.

Christopher Lee as Saruman in The Lord of the Rings trilogy (Peter Jackson; 2001–2003).

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Guess Who's Yummy For Dinner?



Drac was given obscene final rites
Yet still "lives" on cuisine he eats nights
And each virginal dish
Finds his urges delish
As they quiver, he leans in and bites.
 
Christopher Lee and Veronica Carlson in Dracula Has Risen From the Grave  (Freddie Francis; 1968).

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

The Mummy's Cursed



Once more you're the thing, what a shock
The gore you must fling, heads you'll knock
These heavies won't end
Dear heaven, forfend!
What a bore is this string of pure schlock.

 

Christopher Lee is The Mummy (Terrence Fisher; 1959). Yvonne Furneaux is Isobel Banning / Princess Ananka. The film derives its plot and characters entirely from two 1940s Universal films, The Mummy's Hand and The Mummy's Tomb, with the climax borrowed directly from The Mummy's Ghost. Title via the cursor of David Cairns. (Info via Wikipedia)