Sunday, December 24, 2023

Auld Lang 'Stein

The night before Christmas and lo,
the castle was buried in snow.
A monster was stirring
as engines were purring,
and lab machines started to glow.

A bearded guy carried a sack.
Not Santa, but Igor, hunch-back.
His bag, full of brains,
was covered with stains
from heads he had given a crack.

As lightning continued to build,
the doctor was tickled, then thrilled.
He said, "It's alive!"
(Just like Colin Clive)
and opened the bubbly he'd chilled.

But Doc, who had wanted a son,
soon found that his plans were undone.
For Igor, the cad
used a brain that was bad,
Though he and the monster had fun.

On Christmas, the cold castle air
was warmed by a torch's red glare.
The monster, when singed
became quite unhinged...
and hung Ig by the chimney with care.

Words and art © 2023 Hilary Barta; Color: Jason Millet

Saturday, December 23, 2023

Feliz Navidada


Poor Santa's not feeling so jolly
He's decked in surreal boughs of holly
With visions of dread
that dance in his head
of gingerbread dead à la Dali.

Another Xmas flashback from the sagging psychos at LimerWrecks.

Friday, December 22, 2023

IT Came Upon a Midnight Fear


To the girls and the boys IT gives back
So it hurls all its toys in a sack
As to those not so nice
They lie frozen in ice
--From Surly, that poisonous Hack.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all from the Surly Hack.

Thursday, December 21, 2023

The Hole Truth


A chimney is also a hole
An in-way for Mr. North Pole
If Nick'las gets stuck
Your Chrismas might suck
Unless you want plenty of coal! 

Remember, keep the home-fires burning, but first buy Santa a fireproof suit.
A Christmas flashback from LimerWrecks.  

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

Slay Ride


It's Christmas, he's done with his shopping
The Mrs. is stunned, her eyes popping
He bought her a gift
And thought not of thrift
No mistletoe hon, but there's chopping!

This holiday flashback features EC Comics cover art by Johnny Craig (1954).

Tuesday, December 19, 2023

IT'S in the Bag


On Christmas, alas and alack,
A grisly and ghastly attack!
Some gifts keep on giving, 
Some miffed, are still living...
See Kris get attacked by his sack!

A limerick flashback presented for your holiday enjoyment.

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Zombie Flesh Easter

It's Easter, give praise, do not mourn
Your deceased savior's raised and reborn
But these dead, now alive
Open heads to survive
And will feast on your brains Sunday morn.

Pasty-faced extras lurch through Night of the Living Dead (1968). Our title is by David Cairns, and is a nod to Zombies 2, aka Zombie Flesh Eaters (1979). We're going to hell in an Easter basket for resurrecting this blasphemous limerick each year.

Thursday, March 3, 2022

All's Well that Ends Welles?

So Menzies was wearing a wire?
Old friends should play fair, or retire
You shoot, but alack,
The coot then shoots back
It ends for you there, in the mire...

Orson Welles as Hank Quinlan meets his end in Touch of Evil (Welles; 1958).

Friday, February 25, 2022

Dietrich or Treat

Marlene, black-wigged, eyes beholders
Our main man's grown big as some boulders
But his wistful, sad gaze
Through the mist of past days
(And chain-smoked cigars) sadly smoulders.

David Cairns

Marlene Dietrich and Orson Welles in Touch of Evil (1958).

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

Candy, Cane

Sheriff Hank gave up booze, now eats candy
When he drank he'd get woozy on brandy
Though he limps through this thriller
He's no gimp, he's a killer
And he strangles that loser Joe Grandi.

David Cairns

Orson Welles is Sheriff Hank Quinlan in Touch of Evil (Welles; 1958). Quinlan carries a cane, and he leaves it behind after strangling Joe Grandi, played by Akim Tamiroff.

David Cairns notes that various observers have commented on Welles being undone by his cane/Kane. But David might be the only one to point out that Welles freezeframes the hotel door sign saying Make Sure You Haven't Left Any Belongings Behind.

Tuesday, February 22, 2022

Hell Toupee

Uncle Joe cuts a fig short and squat
Face of dough, flips his wig when he's caught
In a cheap hotel room
The poor creep meets his doom
As this slow-moving pig ties the knot.

David Cairns

Sheriff Hank Quinlan (Orson Welles), Uncle Joe Grandi (Akim Tamiroff), and Susan Vargas (Janet Leigh) in a sordid scene in Touch of Evil (Welles; 1958).

Monday, February 21, 2022

House of Girth

A hulking and gritty grotesque
A skulking and bitter burlesque
Of clout and ambition
Now out of condition
His bulk doesn't fit 'neath his desk.

Joseph Calleia as Sgt. Pete Menzies, and Orson Welles as the massive meat-mound Hank Quinlan in
Touch of Evil (Welles; 1958)

Friday, February 18, 2022

Vargas' Girl

In a sweater all busty and pert
Like Betty, she's thrusting, overt
Now plunged into Hades
With grungy Mercedes
She's fretful, nonplussed, but unhurt.

Davd Cairns

Touch of Evil (Orson Welles; 1958): Susan Vargas (Janet Leigh) is terrorized by a gang led by actress Mercedes McCambridge.