David Cairns of Shadowplay does it again. Here's his take on the Shakespearean murders (and seven deadly sins) in Theatre of Blood.
DAMN YOUR IDES!
Beware March's terrible ides!
When man with machete collides!
This officious old geezer
Meets a fate worse than Caesar
When the meths-heads expose his insides!
SHAKE SPEAR IN LUVVY
His enemy casts him as Hector
Impaled on a spiky projector
Too late for remorse
He's dragged by a horse
Till nothing remains but his spectre.
THE DONOR PARTY
Edward's schemes are a bold work of art
His critics, deceased, all depart
Rewriting the bard
He leaves this one scarred
With a pound of flesh taken - his heart.
WINE OWN EXECUTIONER
He's snoozy and boozy and fat
We'll drown the old sot in a vat
Like Richard the Third
We can flip him the bird
Let's see the sod get out of that.
DEADLY MOOR
He's an outwardly affable fellow
But as jealous within as Othello
When his nerves get a jangling
He swerves straight to strangling
While his poor Mrs quivers like Jell-O.
SAWN-OFF A BITCH
To lacerate, burn, bake or throttle?
Or hack with a saw at his wattle?
He'll be safely dispatched
With his noggin detached
And adorning his colleague's milk bottle.
When man with machete collides!
This officious old geezer
Meets a fate worse than Caesar
When the meths-heads expose his insides!
SHAKE SPEAR IN LUVVY
His enemy casts him as Hector
Impaled on a spiky projector
Too late for remorse
He's dragged by a horse
Till nothing remains but his spectre.
THE DONOR PARTY
Edward's schemes are a bold work of art
His critics, deceased, all depart
Rewriting the bard
He leaves this one scarred
With a pound of flesh taken - his heart.
WINE OWN EXECUTIONER
He's snoozy and boozy and fat
We'll drown the old sot in a vat
Like Richard the Third
We can flip him the bird
Let's see the sod get out of that.
DEADLY MOOR
He's an outwardly affable fellow
But as jealous within as Othello
When his nerves get a jangling
He swerves straight to strangling
While his poor Mrs quivers like Jell-O.
SAWN-OFF A BITCH
To lacerate, burn, bake or throttle?
Or hack with a saw at his wattle?
He'll be safely dispatched
With his noggin detached
And adorning his colleague's milk bottle.
DOG DISH
Morley's passion's for Gallic cuisine
So Vince fashions a TV show scene
The round dude'll die
On ground poodle pie
Being mashed into stomach and spleen.
CORAL GRIEF
Now Coral will curl up and die
In the hairdresser's chair she will fry.
For Ed it's a lark
To replay Joan of Arc
She'll be fried crispy Browne by and by.
EYE OFF-ER
Ed's answered his critics' vile jibes
In the manner of sick Dr Phibes
The last on his roster
He's cast Duke of Gloucester
And his eyes will be pricked by hot knives.
Vincent Price and Diana Rigg gleefully slaughter the London critics circle in Theatre of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973). The critics: Michael Hordern, Dennis Price, Harry Andrews, Robert Coote, Jack Hawkins and wife Diana Dors, Arthur Lowe, Robert Morley, Coral Browne (soon to be the third Mrs. Price), and Ian Hendry. Bravo!
