A Killing on a Killing

The B-movie dick, Michael Shayne:
Less noble than slick -- I'm just sayne.
Before he's begun
To figure who dun,
He's eager to pick out who's payne.

Donald B. Benson

In Dressed to Kill (Eugene J. Forde; 1941), detective Michael Shayne (Lloyd Nolan) stumbles across a murder and immediately sets about collecting multiple clients to pay him to solve it.

Intern for the Worst

This "assistant" is such a sad toady
Though he's sweating as much as a roadie.
Not a mention of pennies
Or of pension and bennies.
Bet his dates are all dutch -- just a sodie.

Donald B. Benson

Fritz (Dwight Frye) looks up in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931).

Imployees' Entrance

Doctor Frankenstein's problem's this ditz.
Working cranks, twisting knobs he's the pits.
But when wages are modest,
One engages the oddest.
Filling thankless-type jobs, one gets Fritz.

Dwight Frye as the mad doctor's assistant Fritz in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931).

Disorder in the Courtship

 

Of Teasdale he's hot in pursuit
He sees there's a shot at her loot
With laughter, not stealth
He's after her wealth
She's pleased, but she's not too astute.

Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho Marx) woos Mrs. Gloria Teasdale (Margaret Dumont) in Duck Soup (Leo McCarey; 1933). Title by orderly Donald B. Benson.

Hauls of Academia

The bigwigs at auld Huxley College
Peddled trig, Latin lore, arcane knowledge--
But with Wagstaff as head
They will bag much more bread
Through pigskin and bonded waste haulage.

James Finn Garner



Horsefeathers (Norman Z. McLeod; 1932): As Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff, president of Huxley College, Groucho Marx leads his brothers in a football game against the school's arch rival. One unorthodox touchdown is scored via horse-drawn garbage wagon that Harpo rides like a chariot. Mr. Garner is the creator of Rex Koko, Private Clown, and the manager of the Triple A Bardball team.

Diggers With Attitude

 

With randy old characters leering
At dandy canaries, careering
These crafty young honeys
Are after their monies
Their candor is very endearing.

Joan Blondell and Guy Kibbe in a still from Gold Diggers of 1933 (Mervyn LeRoy; 1933). Title by David Cairns, accepted with gratitude.

Death With Archie

So Riverdale's redhead was shot
He could live or drop dead, I care not
It's just shtick to hook schnooks
An old trick to sell books
So don't give them your bread--it's a plot.

No doubt "Double-Sized" is twice as expensive.

Duo-Re-Mi

This bull is like horror deluxe
Chock-full of deplorable schmucks
Though of scares there's a dearth,
With this pair making mirth
It pulled in a fortune in bucks.

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948): Pairing the comedy team with the Universal Monsters proved to be big box office. The Monster is Glenn Strange, Dracula is Béla Lugosi, and the Wolf Man is Lon Chaney Jr.

Vaudevillainous

Many monsters meant boffo B.O.
Histrionics filled coffers with dough
They defined Universal
Though their final dispersal
With moronic jokes "offs" the whole show.

David Cairns

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (Charles Barton; 1948) featured the big trio of Universal Monsters: The Monster (Glenn Strange), Dracula (Bela Lugosi), and the Wolf Man (Lon Chaney Jr).

Humbug Repellent

An ungenerous, chintzy old geezer
Of pennies, a pincher and squeezer
So stingy and cruel
He's a skinflint at yule
No spendthrift is Grinch Ebenezer.

Surly Hack



This old fart's the original Scrooge
He's a hard-headed, stingy, rich stooge
He plays host in the night
To three ghosts full of fright
And his heart, once a midget, grows huge.

David Cairns and Surly Hack



Scrooge: Alistair Sim makes a memorable Ebenezer Scrooge in Brian Desmond Hurst's delightful 1951 filming of Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol".  Merry Christmas from all of us at LimerWrecks!

The Slide of Frankenstein

Made of lightning-empowered remains,
He's a fright as he glowers in chains
But this scene is a sequel
And on screen ain't the equal...
On the budget they've tightened the reigns.



Top: Lon Chaney Jr as The Monster in The Ghost of Frankenstein (Erle C. Kenton; 1942); Above and below: Boris Karloff in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935). The idea in Ghost is good: The Monster is angered that Frankenstein refuses to recognize him. But the imagery is no match for that in Bride.

Bargain Binge

To the depths of low-budgets you'll plunge
As you schlep through the cruddiest grunge
Neither boring nor crummy,
Yet quite sordid and scummy,
You should prep with a sudsy wet sponge.

Tom Neal thinks black thoughts in Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945). Title by that grimy grammarian, David Cairns. Thanks to David and "Norm Knott" for their invaluable help behind the scenes in making this detour on Detour possible. Next week, the wretched wrap-up.

Pay Dirt Cheap

You may judge it deranged or bizarre,
But the blood in its veins is pure noir
It was shot on a dime
And, a lot like this rhyme,
Had a budget of change in a jar.


Tom Neal and Ann Savage scrape and claw in the top drawer noir from the bargain basement, Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945).

"B" Sting

From PRC, Poverty Row
It's a product of genius, not dough
The budget was strained
But un-grudged and unchained
Did the odd creativity flow.

David Cairns


Tom Neal stars in the minimalist masterpiece Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945). PRC is the acronym for Producers Releasing Corporation, one of the less prestigious Hollywood studios that comprised what became known as Poverty Row. The studio cranked out mostly routine, low-budget B-movies from from 1939 to 1947.

Sex Marks the Spot

She's a helluva hot-to-trot honey
Makes the fellas see spots and feel funny
Yes, she's looking for love
But when push comes to shove,
She will sell out the lot for the money.


Anna Dundee (Yvonne DeCarlo) wraps the men around her little finger in Criss Cross. Here's an earlier limerick about De Carlo.

Holdup Lowdown

He was stuck on a honey-tongued minx
Drove a truck full of money, like Brinks
Pulled a heist from inside,
But the price was his hide
The dumb cluck was undone by a jinx.



Burt Lancaster ends up with Yvonne DeCarlo in Criss Cross (Robert Siodmak, 1949).

Torch Song Eulogy

The torch that you carry's still burning
A scorching, once-married-to yearning
But there's always a cost
To retrieving love lost
When your former cares more for your earning.



Burt Lancaster carries a nuclear torch for ex-wife Yvonne DeCarlo in Criss Cross (1949). Wouldn't you?

Past Away

The moll of a gambler named Whit,
this doll took his money and split
He sent a detective,
who lost his perspective,
The lot of them shared an obit

Fabulous femme fatale Jane Greer plays both Robert Mitchum and Kirk Douglas (Whit Sterling) in Out of the Past (Jacques Tourneur, 1947). Image: Greer, just after being slapped by Douglas.

Push and Shovel

A cop sees a way to finance
a future of ease and romance
But stealing the loot
will force him to shoot
and their happiness won't stand a chance



Fred MacMurray and Kim Novak in Pushover (Richard Quine, 1954). MacMurray plays what is essentially an older version of Walter Neff in Double Indemnity. Top: A promo still found at A Certain Cinema; Below: Novak (and the back of Freddy Mac) from Some Came Running.

For the Love of Film (Noir), please make a donation to the Film Noir Foundation and help in their efforts in the restoration and preservation of films noir. Push over to the donation page, here. And you'll always find the FNF website, here.

I'm Screaming at a White Christmas

White Christmas, the best-selling single
made registers ring for der Bingle
But memoir of Gary
made daddy seem scary
A brutal and a creepy Kris Kringle



In his memoir Going My Own Way, Bing Crosby's eldest son Gary detailed years of emotional and physical abuse by his father. May all your Christmases be white instead of black-and-blue.