Predestination Libation

Don't struggle, your soul's found its mate
Does it bug you your role's bound by fate? 
A plan set in motion
By tana leaf potion
One chug from the bowl you'll feel great.

John Carradine, Lon Chaney Jr., and Ramsay Ames as the reincarnated Ananka, in The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg; 1944). Title by preternatural James Finn Garner.

Portrait of the Mummy as a Young Man

Warm evenings alongside the Nile
Tana leaves, a sweet song, a sly smile
When a tyro, young Kharis
Felt Cairo was Paris
Now he's evil prolonged, Mummy-style.

James Finn Garner



Tom Tyler as Kharis, pre-mummification, in The Mummy's Hand (Christy Cabanne; 1940). Writer Jim Garner is the host of the poetry site Bardball, dedicated to "Reviving the art of baseball doggerel."

Riddle of the Stinks

Is it wrong to continue to gripe
That the pong from his insides is ripe?
With such gross halitosis
Oh, it's no bed of roses
Breath as strong as a binful of tripe.

James Finn Garner

Tom Tyler and Dick Foran get up close and personal in The Mummy's Hand (Christy Cabanne; 1940).

The Shove Boat

A cruise should be restful and quiet
A snooze-fest, not overfilled riot
So make sure your trunks
Aren't quaking with punks
Who choose hard boiled eggs for their diet.

James Finn Garner

The Marx Brothers run a tight ship in A Night at the Opera (Sam Wood, 1935). Jim Garner is still pitching Bardball, the site dedicated to reviving the art of baseball doggerel.

Hauls of Academia

The bigwigs at auld Huxley College
Peddled trig, Latin lore, arcane knowledge--
But with Wagstaff as head
They will bag much more bread
Through pigskin and bonded waste haulage.

James Finn Garner



Horsefeathers (Norman Z. McLeod; 1932): As Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff, president of Huxley College, Groucho Marx leads his brothers in a football game against the school's arch rival. One unorthodox touchdown is scored via horse-drawn garbage wagon that Harpo rides like a chariot. Mr. Garner is the creator of Rex Koko, Private Clown, and the manager of the Triple A Bardball team.

Of Humid Bondage

When cast as a matron demure
Mary Astor is stately and pure
Yet what Joe is so damp
He’d forgo the hot tramp?
High class doesn’t rate ‘gainst a hooer.

James Finn Garner



Red Dust (Victor Fleming; 1932). Rubber plantation ramrod Clark Gable (there's a, um, mouthful) is torn between married society dame Mary Astor and prostitute Jean Harlow. Title by Bond villain Donald B. Benson.

Rubber-Dub-Dub

To a cheap rubber farm Harlow’s gone
'Til the heat settles down in Saigon
She’s testing Clark Gable
As best as she’s able
Now Jean’s a renowned “barrel blonde.”

James Finn Garner

Jean Harlow and Clark Gable in Red Dust (Victor Fleming; 1932). James Finn Garner writes novels about a clown detective and poetry about baseball. And you think I'M weird.

Sometimes a Great Potion

On man's nature the doc had his doubts
Human traits he most worried about
Are we decent or bad?
Men of peace, or all cad?
This libation will sort it all out.

James Finn Garner

Fredric March stirs up trouble in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (Rouben Mamoulian; 1931). Author James Finn Garner is the fertile fiend behind the Rex Koko, Clown Detective series, and Bardball, the website of baseball poetry.

Cubbies and Commies

Cubbies and Commies...How else to explain Chicago baseball? Read another of my baseball limericks here at Bardball.


José Abreu won both AL Player of the Month and AL Rookie of the Month for his record-breaking performance in April.  He led the majors in HRs (10), RBIs (32), total bases and extra-base hits, and also set major league rookie records for each of those categories. (Text by James Finn Garner)

Chillinois, You Put Me In a Frozen State

Gene J. Puskar - AP

There's a pall on the breeze in the air
Though there's ball, for the freeze they prepare
In Chicago the fans
make their long winter plans
as they fall on their knees in despair

Chicago Cubs' Alfonso Soriano hangs his head. This limerick is from Bardball, the site of daily baseball poetry managed by James Finn Garner and Stuart Shea. James put the title on ice. Barball is where I post my limericks when I'm feeling blue about Cubbie blue, which is almost always.

It Flamed Upon a Midnight Clear

His raising the dead's not a living
and townsfolk are most unforgiving
But Doc isn't crying
His monster's undying
A gift that will never stop giving

James Finn Garner



Top and above: Frankenstein (1931). Below: House of Frankenstein (1944). For all your baseball doggerel needs visit James Finn Garner's Bardball.

I'm Dreaming of a White Zombie

The island's young honeymoon bride
gets bewitched and so leaves her man's side
But even before,
this drip's such a bore,
it's hard to be certain she died

James Finn Garner



It's Holiday Horrors at Limerwrecks. Madge Bellamy, Bela Lugosi and Robert Frazer in White Zombie (Victor Halperin, 1932). Writer James Finn Garner is the rotting brains behind the baseball doggerel site, Bardball. James feels that White Zombie's unlikable romantic couple keep this pre-code horror film from reaching classic status. What's pre-code, you ask? How about Madge Bellamy trying on her, um, wedding dress.

Past Balls

The haunt of Octobers of olde
the field named for Wrigley's grown cold
Faint echoes from bats
of men who wear spats
who late in the season don't fold

This season for Cubbies is toast
As always, they're missing the "post"
There's curses and theories
why Cubs won't host series
They ought to just give up the ghost

Each year the Cubs try to remold
Each year the fan's hope is fool's gold
But millionaire fans
hatch bankruptcy plans:
The team to a diehard's been sold

If you like baseball and poetry, you ought to visit
James Finn Garner's great site, Bard Ball.