Uncomfortably Dumb

Some cheer for films maudlin and sappy
Brassiere-burstin' broads make some happy 
Those with minimal taste
Pursue cinema waste
Only weirdos applaud stuff this crappy.

Robot Monster aka Monster from Mars (Phil Tucker; 1953) was originally released in 3D, but the script and characters lack any depth whatsoever.

Going Ape, Man

 

Between primate and scientist split,
Awful crimes this ape-guy does commit
Frankenstein might explain
Why a spine he must drain,
Why he climbs up so high, picks a nit.

Bela Lugosi and Minerva Urecal in The Ape Man ( William Beaudine; 1943).

Lab Rant

Half-human, he's very depressed
Was doomed when he dared to self-test
He knew it was risky
But soon he grew frisky
One assumes it put hair on his chest.

Doc Brewster (Béla Lugosi) turns himself into The Ape Man (William Beaudine; 1943).

Simple Simian

Is Lugosi affecting a limp?
Does he mosey erect like a chimp?
Is that fur at his cuffs
That's emerging like ruffs?
Heaven knows he's bedecked like a simp.

David Cairns

Béla Lugosi sports a frock coat in The Ape Man (William Beaudine; 1943).

The Apes of Wrath

A criminal scientist/monkey
And his simian, spine-snapping flunky
Two screwballs who kill
Tap fluids at will
It's flimsy, it's minor, it's clunky.

Dr. James Brewster (Bela Lugosi) spots his next victim in The Ape Man (William Beaudine; 1943). With Emil Van Horn in the ape suit. A Monogram release.

Brokeback Monkey

The perverted old quack flips his wig
Now a spurt from your back he would swig
But before this ordeal
He gets floored by Emil
And his vertebra crack like a twig.

David Cairns

Emil Van Horn is the man in the ape suit, hench-monkey to Béla Lugosi, The Ape Man (William Beaudine; 1943). Attempting to reverse his condition, Lugosi injects the spinal fluid from his murder victims. Makes sense to me. Title by Donald "B for Brokeback" Benson.

Our Beast is None Too Good

Be wary of primates hirsute
Take care when you eye a large brute
They're feral and wild
But hairy and mild?
Who's scared of a guy in a suit?

Minerva Urecal and Emil Van Horn in The Ape Man (William Beaudine; 1943). Urecal pays the sister of star, Béla Lugosi, the mad doctor of the title. You might know her as "Mother" on the TV series Peter Gunn. Title by Donald "Beastly" Benson.

The Ape Man Cometh

This doctor's a cheap missing link
A schlocky old B movie fink
Commits crimes in a spree
Then he climbs in a tree
The blockhead should see a good shrink.

Béla Lugosi and Emil Van Horn (as the ape) in The Ape Man (William Beaudine; 1943).

Meet Coot

It's a shame your acclaim took a beating
But then, fame is a dame that is fleeting
Wags exclaim "He's a wrap!"
As your name adorns crap
Who can blame those who came to this 'meeting'?



No, Bela Lugosi doesn't play Bela Lugosi in Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (William Beaudine; 1952). His character's name is Dr Zabor.

Bela Lugosi Meets Bela Lugosi

Enthused, full of lust, almost drooling,
You used to bring gusto to ghouling
But you landed in traction
And abandoned all action
Now abusing, it's just too damn grueling.

Bela Lugosi contemplates his career trajectory in Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (William Beaudine; 1952). For many years, Lugosi had been receiving treatment for sciatic neuritis, and eventually he became addicted to morphine and methadone.

Gland Guignol

Head and hands blown up, face like a troll
'Cause a gland's going out of control
You seek Hollywood work
Feeling squalid, you lurk
And expand, growing into the role.

David Cairns

Rondo Hatton lumbers through The Jungle Captive (Harold Young; 1945). The actor suffered from acromegaly, a hormonal disorder caused by the pituitary gland, which results in excessive growth in the bones of the head, hands and feet.

Jack-in-the-Box Office

The hicks buy the tix not elites
And flicks filled with apes fill the seats
Your actress shows skin?
You're packing 'em in!
And fixed for some shapely receipts.



John Carradine and Acquanetta star in Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943), which was followed by the sequels Jungle Woman and The Jungle Captive.

The Origin of the Specious

It's a sequel so cheap it's the worst
As they cheekily replay the first
So each scene is a bore
We have been here before
We should all seek to be reimbursed.

David Cairns



Sultry Acquanetta returns as the Jungle Woman (Reginald Le Borg, 1944), a sequel spawned by Captive Wild Woman. The story told in flashback by Dr. Carl Fletcher (J. Carrol Naish), reusing footage from the previous film.

The Pituitary and the Pendulum

This maniac's great with a gland
With brains he's first rate, in demand
He cuts and transplants,
And nutso, he rants,
Explaining their date that he's planned.



John Carradine turns a gorilla into Acquanetta in Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943).

Carnival Crews

Is the killer a primate hirsute?
A thrill-crazy, violent brute?
Or the eye candy tease
On the flying trapeze?
Or some villainous guy in a suit?



The 3-D horror mystery Gorilla at Large (Harmon Jones; 1954) has a cast that includes Cameron Mitchell, Anne Bancroft, Lee J. Cobb, Raymond Burr and Lee Marvin. George Barrows plays the gorilla. Happy Halloween from the hairless apes at LimerWrecks!

Laverne and Burly

With yearning the guys stop and gape
Laverne is in eye-popping shape
Though she might be a floozy
She's uptight and plays choosy
When spurning Goliath the ape.



Anne Bancroft plays Trapeze artist Laverne Miller in Gorilla at Large (Harmon Jones; 1954), a 3-D horror mystery. George Barrows is the gorilla "Goliath".

A Gland Apart

Mad doctors are folks who play God
Wearing smocks they will poke, cut and prod
With their capable hands
They give apes human glands...
This one's rockin' a smokin' hot bod.



An endocrinologist turns an ape into a woman in Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943).  Cheela, the gorilla (Ray Corrigan), Dr. Sigmund Walters (John Carradine), his assistant, Miss Strand (Fay Helm), Dorothy Colman (Martha MacVicar, on the operating table), and "Paula Dupree" (Acquanetta), aka the Wild Woman. 

The Gorilla Can't Help It

True science this sicko perverts
When primate to chick he converts
The ape-girl, "Acqua-tic",
Is shapely, exotic
It's a crime she so quickly reverts. 



John Carradine unveils Acquanetta in Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943). Title by helpful David Cairns.

Gorilla My Dreams

A word about fair Acquanetta:
As she-ape no starlet was betta.
She turned Southwest matron
And cultural patron
But fanboys will never forgetta.

Donald B. Benson

 

Acquanetta as the Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943). In 1953 Acquanetta married and moved to Arizona, where she became a local celebrity.

Gorilla Interrupted

An ape gets the glands of a broad
Takes a shape that a man can applaud
The creation's a "ten"
A sensation with men
But wait--this male fantasy's flawed.



Acquanetta is the Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943). We're going ape in the Countdown to Halloween.