Sunday, September 30, 2012

Uncommon Pallor

With that ghastly appearance she's chilling
But this lassie's quite nearly as thrilling:
In her one-piece of black--
In both front and the back--
Vampi's chassis is clearly fulfilling.

"Vampira" visits the vault of Vampire Weekends. The horror hostess was embodied by actress Maila Nurmi.  Beginning tomorrow...the massive and monster-ous October-long Countdown to Halloween!

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Boobs in the Woods

She's one pale double-take of a vision
With each nail she could make an incision
She will crawl from the grave
To enthrall and enslave,
Till a gal-wooden stake-type collision.

Actress Maila Nurmi was 1950s horror hostess "Vampira",  here posing in a still for Plan 9 From Outer SpaceVampire Weekends is in session. Title by Thin Woodsman David Cairns.

Friday, September 28, 2012

The Grate Stone Face

On the prowl from the school of hard knocks
He would growl like he's chewing on rocks
Chuck was not made of fluff
If he got any guff,
First he'd scowl, then start cleaning their clocks.

Charles McGraw kidnaps, tortures and kills his way through The Threat (Felix Feist, 1949). With Anthony Caruso, Frank Conroy and Michael O'Shea.   Stay tuned for The Countdown to Halloween...

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Bewitched, Bothered and Begrizzled

This McGraw is a taut one, all grizzled
Likes to gnaw his steak raw, never sizzled
But he trims off the fat
So the brim of his hat
Tops a hawk nose and jaw, lean and chiseled.

David Cairns with Surly Hack

Film noir tough guy Charles McGraw looked like he was carved from granite: Narrow Margin (1951).

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Charles McGrawing

Either gravel or glass he's been gnawing
Guys and gals he likes blasting or pawing
He's a sap-wielding brute
In a snap brim and suit,
With a talent for jutting and jawing.

As a crook or a cop, rock-jawed Charles McGraw was tough as they come. Here he is roughing up Dennis O'Keefe in T-Men (top), and David Clarke in The Narrow Margin (above).

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Moose Tightens

He's the son of one Mrs.Malloy
Weighs a ton, and to him you're a toy
With that pair of huge mitts
Moose could tear you to bits
Don't make fun of ma's big little boy.

Mighty Mike Mazurki tosses around Otto Kruger and Dick Powell in Murder My Sweet (1944), an adaptation of Farewell My Lovely.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Delirium Lemons

There's a door but behind it is naught
With no floor ev'ry step here is fraught
With a danger of dropping,
Derangement's non-stopping,
My performance a bit overwrought.

Private detective Philip Marlowe (Dick Powell) has a narcotic nightmare in Murder, My Sweet (Edward Dmytryk, 1944).

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Coffin Nail-Biter

Clad in black with those fishnets and nails,
This she-Dracula dish never fails
As a fright she's exciting,
With a bite quite inviting;
An attractive last wish for most males.

Maila Nurmi played sexy 1950s TV horror hostess "Vampira". Her look and character were derived from Morticia Addams from Charles Addams' New Yorker cartoons, the Dragon Lady from Terry and the Pirates, and the evil queen from Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. We're warming up your grave on Vampire Weekends.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Graveside Dish

She's Vampira, a lecherous snack
Underwired and fetchingly stacked
Those enormous torpedoes
Cause a storm in our Speedos
We aspire to a stretch on her rack.

David Cairns

Horror hostess Vampira was portrayed by Maila Nurmi, here in a moment from Ed Wood's amusingly awful Plan 9 from Outer Space. You've staggered onto the fog-shrouded set of Vampire Weekends.

Friday, September 21, 2012

You Can't Handle the Truth...Serum

I'm in hell and my room is the pits
I'm unwell and I'm losing my wits
What with service this poor,
It's like stir, but with doors
As hotels go, this tomb ain't the Ritz.

Philip Marlowe (Dick Powell) is held captive in Murder My Sweet (1944), and is injected with sodium pentothol and other drugs.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Totalled Dick

I'm raddled, worn out and unshaven
Drug-addled, torn up, weak and craven            
I've been battered and beat
Till I'm dead on my feet
And can't paddle shit creek to safe haven.

David Cairns 

Private detective Philip Marlowe (Dick Powell) is put through the ringer in Murder My Sweet (Edward Dmytryk, 1944).

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Quit Needling Me

I see smoke, my mouth's dry, my skin crawls
I go loco and climb up the walls
I'm so blotto...can't cope...
I've been shot full of dope...
And the coke has my mind by the balls.

Philip Marlowe (Dick Powell) hallucinates in Murder My Sweet (Edward Dmytryk, 1944). Title by the typo-with-a-hypo, David Cairns.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A Shot in the Dark

Through a fun-house I stumble and cringe
Come undone, like some bum on a binge
Can't evade the pursuit
I'm afraid they will shoot...
Not a gun, but that numbing syringe.

A drug-addled Philip Marlowe (Dick Powell) is menaced by Dr. Sonderborg (Ralf Harolde) in Murder, My Sweet.Title by David Cairns.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Dud Eye Dick

Did you ever have one of those days
When your head fills with gunk, your eyes glaze?
If you talk it's a jumble,
Try to walk and you stumble,
And your bedroom becomes like a maze?

Private eye Philip Marlowe (Dick Powell) in Murder, My Sweet (Edward Dmytryk, 1944).  "'Okay Marlowe,' I said to myself. 'You're a tough guy. You've been sapped twice, choked, beaten silly with a gun, shot in the arm until you're crazy as a couple of waltzing mice. Now let's see you do something really tough - like putting your pants on.'"   Title by lazy-eyed David Cairns.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Bat to the Bone

Long of tooth, he's a drooling invader
Ever youthful, yet ghoulish night-shader
From your jugular vein
He will suckle and drain
And then--streuth!--he flies home using radar.

David Cairns

The Sorrows of Satan (D. W. Griffith, 1926). Limerick Lexicon: 1. streuth. Exclamation of shock. Australian slang. "You mean you stole 1 loaf of bread and now you are being shipped to Australia? Streuth!"

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Clothes Make the Maniac

Very natty, Drac stalks the hereafter
As a bat he will hang from a rafter
Flap his wings and he'll fly,
And then--zing!--he's a guy
Was his hat on before as it's after?

I get why in old movies Dracula has to wear pants when he transforms from a bat back into a vampire, but a top hat? John Carradine as the Count in House of Dracula (Erle C. Kenton, 1945).

Friday, September 14, 2012

Diving Miss Crazy

I was hired to locate a floozy
Now I'm tired and woefully woozy
Through a nightmare I schlep...
Off the frightful first step
Took a flyer--and whoa--it's a doozy.

Dick Powell steps into the abyss in Murder My Sweet (1944).

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Down the Well, My Lovely

Now a whirlpool is sucking me in
Down it swirls and I'm stuck in a spin
In a pit with no end
I submit and descend
I may hurl, puke or upchuck therein.

Surly Hack and David Cairns

Dick Powell has a narcotic nightmare in Murder My Sweet (1944), an adaptation of Raymond Chandler's Farewell My Lovely.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


Through this door there's no prayer of escape
Tongue on floor, I just stare, mouth agape
As I try to make sense
Of the why and the whence
I'll ignore what's a very big ape.

Drugged-up Dick Powell is threatened by a ghostly Mike Mazurki in Murder My Sweet (Edward Dmytryk, 1944). Titled by dreamy doorman David Cairns.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Shot in the Dark Corner

The terrain here is crazy, my sweet
I'll explain--if I stay on my feet
Someone slipped me a shot,
Out I flipped on the spot...
Now my brain's a fillet of dead meat.

Dick Powell has a drug-induced nightmare in Murder, My Sweet (Edward Dmytryk, 1944).

Monday, September 10, 2012

Murder, My Sweet Dreams

From my bed I am given the tour
Of a Bedlam without a brochure
Where bizarre is on tap
Fairly far off the map
In my head or for real I'm not sure.

Dick Powell encounters Otto Kruger's floating head in Murder My Sweet (Edward Dmytryk, 1944), an adaptation of  Raymond Chandler's detective novel, Farewell My Lovely.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

The Carradine Case

Girls quite plainly like hams with élan,
Even veiny cold clams, pale and wan    
For they flock to Count Drac --
The old crock with the knack --
Transylvania's vampire Don Juan.

David Cairns and Surly Hack 

John Carradine and Melinda Plowman in Billy the Kid versus Dracula (1966). The aging but always working Carradine had previously played the no account Count in House of Frankenstein (1944), House of Dracula (1945), an adaptation of Dracula on the TV series Matinee Theatre (1956), and would do so once more in Nocturna (1979).

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Night Howl

Having spent ev'ry night on the town
He's a gent of quite frightful renown
When he stays out too late
He must race to his crate
To prevent at first light melting down.

In House of Dracula (Erle C. Kenton, 1945), the title Count is played by John Carradine. Title by coffin consigliere David Cairns.  The sun has risen on Vampire Weekends.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Duck, Duck, Moose

My health with this brute has no chance
Though the fella's acute as most plants
When I got in a tussle
With the knot-headed muscle,
He said Velma "was cute as lace pants".

Jules Amthor sics Moose Malloy on Philip Marlowe: Otto Kruger, Mike Mazurki and Dick Powell in Murder My Sweet (Edward Dmytryk, 1944).

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Whine and Diner

I feel awful, near panic from pressure
Nerves are raw, and my can's in a thresher
While I spin down the drain,
I can't win, why complain?
Though this coffee could stand a refresher.

Tom Neal reflects on his fate in Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945), while Pat Gleason keeps playing that tune on the jukebox.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Ring Tome

With some bad guys he's locked in a bout
But this battling boxer has clout
When trapped in a corner, he
Is apt to get ornery,
And so mad that he knocks 'em all out.

Ex-boxer Ernie Driscoll (John Payne) is a tough as they come in 99 River Street (Phil Karlson, 1953).

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Naked Cape

Be wary, you shapely young ladies,
Of scary escapees from Hades
Uncultured and savage,
Like vultures they ravage,
These hairy and apish Max Cadys.

Poor Barrie Chase falls prey to Robert Mitchum in Cape Fear (J. Lee Thompson, 1962). The film feels as primitive as it's antagonist.

Monday, September 3, 2012

He Walked His Dog By Night

What joy they might have, oh what fun!
Avoiding the light of the sun,
By night they will walk,
Their gizmos to hawk,
A boy and his dog and a gun.

Criminal inventor Richard Basehart and his two best friends--his pooch and his piece--in He Walked By Night (Alfred Werker & Anthony Mann, 1948). Back into the gutter for another week of noir nuttiness.

Sunday, September 2, 2012


Run away or run smack in his trap
Where your strength old Count Drac will soon sap
You'll be stunned and struck dumb
And stuck under his thumb,
While your veins for a snack he will tap.

John Carradine casts a spell over Martha O’Driscoll in House of Dracula (Erle C. Kenton, 1945). Give in to the power of Vampire Weekends.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Caped Persuader

His next victim's this mademoiselle
Whom he'll quickly turn addict as well
'Neath his sway he demands
She obey his commands
'Cause he's strictly a cad out of hell.

John Carradine's Count Dracula controls Martha O’Driscoll in House of Dracula (Erle C. Kenton, 1945). Title by the persuasive David Cairns.  Vampire Weekends is open for business.