Monday, October 28, 2019

Box Sore

The President stood in his box
Was booed like a pestilent pox
He thought, "This is weird...
I ought to be cheered...
The game's being broadcast on Fox!"

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Monday, June 24, 2019

Intermission Impossible

Enough with the giant spiders and bugs. We're taking a break. See you soon.

Friday, June 21, 2019


“Massive spider runs out of control!”
Someone dial up the Highway Patrol!
The job should be offered
To Broderick Crawford;
We can’t have bugs breaking parole.

Paul Truster

Top: Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955) Above: Broderick Crawford starred as Police chief Dan Mathews on the television series Highway Patrol from 1955 to 1959.

Thursday, June 20, 2019

Primitive and Proper

The Doc gets perverted at work
Though no jock, chases skirts, likes to lurk
Is it blood from a fish
Makes him cuddle this dish?
Runs amok, rips his shirt like a jerk.

David Cairns

Madeline Howard (Joanna Moore),is attacked by her fiancee, Dr. Donald Blake (Arthur Franz), when he turns into the Monster on the Campus (Jack Arnold; 1958).

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Caveman on Campus

At the scientist ignorance gnaws
Asking "Why?" he must figure the cause
Can we limit or purge
Our most primitive urge?
Are all guys sexist pigs with big paws?

Dr. Donald Blake (Arthur Franz) injects himself with plasma from a coelacanth, "...a living fossil, immune to the forces of evolution," reverts to a caveman and becomes the...Monster on the Campus (Jack Arnold; 1958). With stunt double Eddie Parker and poor Joanna Moore.

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Schlock Formations

Most of movieland's freakiest dramas
Are improved by these bleak panoramas:
Giant spiders gone ape
And some guy, out of shape
Looking groovy and chic in pajamas.

David Cairns

Scientist Leo G. Carroll (or his stunt double), afflicted by acromegaly, wanders out into the desert in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Monday, June 17, 2019

The Doctor is In...toxicated

One side of his face has been sinking
An eye's out of place and keeps blinking
He's badly depressed
Too sad to get dressed
He hides, in disgrace, and starts drinking.

Scientist Leo G. Carroll, deformed by acromegaly in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Friday, June 14, 2019

The Man From Drunkle

She comforts her pitiful boss
The dummy just sits, at a loss
Though his tests seem to work
A big pest goes berserk
And, glum, he's been hitting the sauce.

Mara Corday assists Scientist Leo G. Carroll, afflicted by acromegaly in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955). Title by punchline drunk Jim Siergey.

Thursday, June 13, 2019

Invitation to the Ants

In the fifties, these creatures prevail
'Cause they're nifty, each big as a whale
Giant hideous ants
Make the kids crap their pants
Although thrifty, B-features have scale.

David Cairns

Giant ants threaten humankind in THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Gore In Store

An attempt to increase farmer’s yields
Proves disastrous without proper shields.
Now the ravenous ‘hoppers
Are clacking their choppers;
Don’t let them attack Marshall Field’s!

Paul Truster

Grasshoppers attack Chicago in Beginning of the End (Bert I. Gordon; 1957). Marshall Field’s was a famous department store in the city.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Cheapjack Web

In its trap you'll get stuck and...oh my
It'll tap you and suck your bod dry
Once awakened by rock
It'll make with the schlock
It's the crappiest, yucky sci-fi.

Teenagers Eugene Persson and June Kenney are stuck in the web of a giant tarantula in Earth vs. the Spider (a.k.a. The Spider and Earth vs. the Giant Spider; Bert I. Gordon; 1958).

Monday, June 10, 2019

Shock Hop

So this spider crawls out of a hole
And discovers it hates rock and roll
The kids aren’t attracted
To the grumpy arachnid
He can’t help it – he just prefers soul!

Paul Truster

A rock band practicing for a school dance awakens the title tarantula in Earth vs. the Spider (Bert I. Gordon; 1958).

Friday, June 7, 2019

Say No to Bugs

The worst kind of flicks to get bit in:
These cursed drive-in quickies, ill-written
Starring bugs grown audacious
And both ugly, voracious
Blood-thirsty, thick-coated with chitin.

David Cairns

Earth vs. the Spider (a.k.a. The Spider and Earth vs. the Giant Spider; Bert I. Gordon; 1958). Title by naysayer Donald B. Benson. 

Limerick Lexicon: chitin noun; a tough semitransparent horny substance; the principal component of the exoskeletons of arthropods

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Vengeance is Them's

The fashion was critters that kill
They'd smash, grab and skitter at will
These giants bore scars
From highways of cars
That mashed them to bits on the grille.

The Big Bug sci-fi monster craze of the 1950s spawned many films. Insects strike back in movies such as THEM!, Tarantula, Beginning of the End, and Deadly Mantis (pictured).

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Ant Eaters

Their pincers are sharp as they hug me
I wince as they carve up and mug me
They prefer Man to feces
So it's curtains, dear species
These insects are starting to bug me.

THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954). Title by David Cairns, who is getting antsy.

Tuesday, June 4, 2019


Either commies attack, or it's bugs!
Kids read comics, talk back, and take drugs!
We're all going to pot!
It's a galling Red plot!
So moms, give them smacks and not hugs!

Sandy Descher wanders through the irradiated desert in THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954). Title by missing delinquent David Cairns.

Monday, June 3, 2019

Do You Dig Graves?

Call for Graves when the danger gets mortal
He will save you from spray that's aortal
When bugs run berserk
This mug goes to work
You'll be saved, though his "range" makes me chortle.

David Cairns

Beginning of the End (Bert I. Gordon, 1957) stars Peter Graves of Mission Impossible fame, here protecting Peggie Castle from the giant grasshoppers that attack Chicago.

Friday, May 31, 2019

Monster Yuck Rally

You can't reason with insectoid threats
Killer bees ain't directed like pets
Waving feelers, THEM! come
Giant gila looks dumb
Wrecking cheesy and second-rate sets.

David Cairns

A giant prehistoric scorpion is freed by an erupting volcano and battles tanks and helicopters in The Black Scorpion (Edward Ludwig; 1957). Featuring stop motion animation created by Willis O'Brien.

Thursday, May 30, 2019

Blanket Coverage

Her trauma’s beyond all endurance
(And she may need that treatment with currents);
But the doctors’ first task
Is, as always, to ask:
“Does this cute little mite have insurance?”

Paul Truster

William Schallert and James Whitmore rescue Sandy Descher, traumatized by THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Pajama Gamey

He reels, filled with dread and disgust
It feels like his head might just bust
He wanders all night
Till dawn's early light
Reveals that he's dead in the dust.

Okay, so Prof. Deemer is NOT dead at this point in the movie. Don't make me show you my poetic license. Leo G. Carroll in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Crawl of the Wild

Gigantic arachnid, oh my!
Tarantula blackens the sky!
This insect's appalling!
Your skin begins crawling!
A panic attack--then you die!

A creepy frame from Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Monday, May 27, 2019

Beauty Parts

All horror, or science-based dramas
Use torridly eye-popping mammas
These drive-in wet dreams
Provide piercing screams
What's more, they look fly in pajamas.

Ross Elliot, Nestor Paiva, and scream queen Mara Corday in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Friday, May 24, 2019

Genus Enlargement

Just how will we feed the poor saps?
By powerful breeding, perhaps?
Unceasing, he tries
Increasing the size...
And now the world needs bigger traps.

Leo G. Carroll tries to find an answer to the food shortage in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Thursday, May 23, 2019

Growth Industry

The doctor, a humanitarian,
Had approaches one might term contrarian;
His cry was ‘more meat!’
But the task had him beat
Next time, Doc, try something agrarian.

Paul Truster

Scientist Leo G. Carroll seeks a solution to world hunger in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Physician Congeal Thyself

This nutritional breakthrough is stalling
As its side effects prove quite appalling;
Deemer’s New Wonder Diet?
There's few that will try it!
Its stock, like his features, is falling.

Dr. Deemer’s a very sad case
With his eye and his ear out of place
Though his motives were pure
He himself needs a cure;
It’s no fun for a doc to lose face.

Paul Truster

Leo G. Carroll as Professor Gerald Deemer in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Intention Headache

This friendly old guy's understandable
He intends to make spiders expandable
Starvation would end
All his patients distend
And we'll end in an outsize great mandible.

David Cairns

Scientist Leo G. Carroll seeks a cure for world hunger in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Monday, May 20, 2019

Body Trouble

One effect of the harmful injection
Is it wrecks Leo's charming complexion
Then his bones start to grow
And, once grown, start to show
We suspect in alarming directions.

Leo G. Carroll is injected with his experimental growth serum in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Friday, May 17, 2019

Hoarse and Buggy

A spider now dwells in your house
A giant-from-hell hairy louse
No rarebit-fueled dream
In terror you scream
Get insect repellent and douse!

Mara Corday reacts to the Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Carpet Diem

Are you nuts? Don't recline on the rug!
Your cute butt's in the line of a bug!
Get up, gal, we're not joking
Soon its talon starts poking
And your guts like cheap wine it will chug!

Mara Corday poses in a striking still from Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Wednesday, May 15, 2019


It creeps through the scrub and the thistles
It’s hungry and covered with bristles;
The drive-in crowd cheers
Every time it appears
While Mara Corday provokes whistles.

Paul Truster

Mara Corday adds the sex appeal to Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955); with Leo G. Carroll.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Not Waverley, but Drowning

You've seen him command men from U.N.C.L.E.
Now he's been at the glands, so this junk'll
Not show Leo be charming
(Could he be more alarming?)
He's obscene, an expanding carbuncle.

David Cairns

Leo G. Carroll in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Monday, May 13, 2019

The Pituitary and the Pendulous


Poor Leo to hormones, exposed
Can see that his form's discomposed
All awry, he's a grower
One eye higher, one lower
That's really abnormal. He's hosed.

Reviewing poor Leo's complexion
We peruse a bad scene of abjection
His pituitary gland
Got Critically panned
For this crude facial feature selection.

David Cairns

Scientist Leo G. Carroll  in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Friday, May 10, 2019

Face Awful

The fact is, experiments leak
Contract something rare, you turn freak
Having meddled, Professor,
Your head's now a mess, sir
Attractive young characters shriek!

Leo G. Carroll startles Mara Corday in a still from Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Close Crawl

Beware of arachnids, king size       
The hairy things blacken the skies
You'll die if you face them
So try to outrace them
You're fare they will snack on like flies.

Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955). Rev that Chevy! Or whatever it is.

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

Picasso's Boo Period

This scientist braces for changes  
But, my! How his face rearranges!
Accursed, he looks weird
Far worse than he feared
An eye-out-of-place is what strange is!

Scientist Leo G. Carroll is a victim of his own experiments in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Tuesday, May 7, 2019


Leo's working away at his theorem
Goes berserk with some crazy growth serum
His pituitary gland
Gets askew, out of hand
Now his quirky, warped face makes us fearum.

David Cairns

Scientist Leo G. Carroll is afflicted by accelerated acromegaly in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Monday, May 6, 2019

Lab Rattled

Better flee from your fearful assistant 
To your pleas, deformed ears are resistant
He's shunned 'cause he's bumpy
No wonder he's grumpy!
Upon evil he's weirdly insistent.

Paul Lund (Ed Parker), mutated assistant to Prof. Gerald Deemer (Leo G. Carroll) in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

Friday, May 3, 2019


A master of pest-based inventions
He has but the best of intentions
And couldn't have known
What shouldn't be grown
Disaster's unguessed-at dimensions.

Scientist Leo G. Carroll uses radioactive elements to produce a super-nutrient, a defacto growth formula in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955). Title by language manipulator David Cairns.

Thursday, May 2, 2019

It's Hard For a Mantidae

That pesky ol' mantis does rise
Into Eskimo shanties it pries
In a tunnel it's gassed
Is stunned and, at last
Grotesquely, it dances, then dies.

Alix Talton gets a closer look at The Deadly Mantis (Nathan Juran; 1957). Title by David 'Hardbody' Cairns.

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Spraying Mantis

They blast the poor critter with shells  
A vast load of grue spits and wells
Its juice fills the tunnel
Like a sluice or a runnel
With ghastliest spewing of smells.

David Cairns

It looks like the end for The Deadly Mantis (Nathan Juran; 1957).

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Carful Tunnel

Another Thank-Heaven-It's-Done Day
You're getting home late because one day
Your evening commute
Is blocked by this brute.
It's what you'd expect on a Monday.

Donald B. Benson

The Deadly Mantis (Nathan Juran; 1957) snarls traffic in the Manhattan Tunnel.

Monday, April 29, 2019

“Mantis Movie Generates Buzz"

“We’ve done ants,” said some filmic Big Cheese
“Then the spiders, what’s next? Maybe fleas?”
Thus answered his stooge,
"Praying mantis--but huge!"
“That’s it! ‘Deadly Mantis!’ Script, please!"

Paul Truster

And so, The Deadly Mantis (Nathan Juran; 1957) was, um...greenlit.