Lead Pipe Clinch

Are there any LimerWrecks readers who are also baseball fans? I'm a contributor to Bardball, a site dedicated to "Reviving the art of baseball doggerel." Here's my latest limerick on the Chicago Cubs, fighting to win the National League Central Division.

Goon For the Misbegotten

An oddball abhorrent, a nerd
A model of horror, absurd
A freak who assaults
He sneaks into vaults
Steals bodies before they're interred.



Dwight Frye as Karl in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935). Title by goon showoff James Finn Garner.

Tea Wrecks

He'll drink all the swill you can pour
A sink full, and still he'll crave more
Tastes bitter, smells funky
Can't quit--he's a junkie--
The fink licks the spill off the floor!

Tom Tyler hits the deck in The Mummy's Hand (Christy Cabanne; 1940).

That’s History and He’s Sticking to It

From epoch to era he'd flounder
Now 'Hotep--or Kharis--has found her
And though she says "no"
He knows he's her beau
So schleps here and there just to hound her.  



In The Mummy's Curse (Leslie Goodwins; 1944), Princess Ananka (Virginia Christine) is pursued by Kharis, the Mummy (Lon Chaney Jr.). Imhotep was the Mummy's name in the 1932 original. Title by sticky Donald B. Benson.

Roles Out the Barrel

As Talbot, was Lon often stinking?
Did he brawl as the Monster while drinking?
Was his dipso addiction
An Egyptian affliction?
Or did Alucard spawn glasses clinking?

David Cairns

What monster didn't Lon Chaney Jr. play? The above refers to Chaney in the following roles for Universal in the 1940s: Lawrence Talbot, aka the Wolf Man, Frankenstein's Monster, the Mummy, and Count Alucard, aka the son of Dracula. Says David, "Trying to cram in all of Lon's great horror roles. I think I broke my shoehorn."

Lush Hour

 

The Mummy's a mega step down.
A dummy, a leg-dragging clown.
The non-speaking role
Wounds Lon to the soul.
In rum by the keg he will drown.

Lon Chaney keeps mum in The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg; 1944). Chaney silently trudged through three Mummy films.

Your Ghoul Friday

No matter the job, I'll apply
To batter and rob I'm your guy
As a boss you get raves
So let's toss a few graves!
What's that? Angry mob? Time to fly!

Dwight Frye and Colin Clive dig Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931). Title by Donald "Dwight Frye-Day" Benson.

Lover, Come Back From the Dead to Me

Our amour is forbidden, taboo!
You're too pure, I'm worm-ridden right through
I'm deceased, no Adonis
And the priests frown upon us
If you're sure, lift my lid, say "I do!"

David Cairns

Elyse Knox, Lon Chaney Jr, and Turhan Bey in Mummy's Tomb (Harold Young; 1942).

Riddle of the Stinks

Is it wrong to continue to gripe
That the pong from his insides is ripe?
With such gross halitosis
Oh, it's no bed of roses
Breath as strong as a binful of tripe.

James Finn Garner

Tom Tyler and Dick Foran get up close and personal in The Mummy's Hand (Christy Cabanne; 1940).

Nickel Odorous

When seats were all gummy and rusty
And restrooms were scummy and dusty
It was, I suspect,
No special effect
That made the old mummy films musty.

Donald B. Benson


 Ad and ballyhoo for the Universal double-bill of The Mummy's Tomb and Night Monster (1942).

Desiccated to You

For giving the eye to a chick,
He lived and he died rather quick
His verve and great passion
Preserved, in a fashion--
Now shriveled and dried is his schtick.

Lon Chaney Jr. is Kharis in The Mummy’s Ghost (Reginald Le Borg;1944). Title by Desi-Lunatic James Finn Garner.

Fritz, an Ass

He hasn't a thought in his head
This wazzock, this grotty wee ned
And no comfort he'll give
To the bum he helped live
Like Lazarus, brought from the dead.

David Cairns

Dwight Frye as Fritz in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931). Limerick Lexicon: "grotty", "wazzock" and "ned" are UK slang. grotty: unpleasant and of poor quality; unwell. wazzock: a stupid or annoying person. ned: a hooligan or petty criminal; a stupid or loutish boy or man.

The Mummy's Fume

This thing from a crypt isn't scentless
The stink it emits is relentless
One hell of a curse
What smell could be worse?
Latrines in deep pits that are vent-less?

Turhan Bey and George Zucco examine Lon Chaney Jr in The Mummy's Tomb (Harold Young; 1942).

The Two, per Scent

Not steamy or spiffily slinky,
His dreamboat's a stiff, which is kinky
His lust is so old
It's dusty and cold
Unseemly, and sniff! rather stinky.

Kharis reaches into the sarcophagus of his beloved Princess Ananka. Lon Chaney Jr in The Mummy's Curse (Leslie Goodwins; 1944). Title by 98 percenter Donald Benson.

Better Dead Than Fed?

Regarding the Mummy, one question:
Just how does he manage digestion?
With his organs removed
It can’t be improved
In fact it might lead to congestion.

Paul Truster

Lon Chaney Jr. and John Carradine give up The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg; 1944).

The Immortal Mister’s Teas

This old wreck of a goon needs a hip
He's so peckish, you spoon him a sip
Who knows how he's survived
But he's now been revived
On your neck he will soon get a grip.

The Mummy is given a drink of tana leaves brew in The Mummy's Curse (Leslie Goodwins; 1944). Mister Donald Benson wrote the title.

Wishful Stinker

Despite all the bumps and the bruises,
Our Dwight with the humpback enthuses
This men-making's fun!
But when it is done,
This nightmarish chump always loses.

Dwight Frye and Colin Clive in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931)--and is that Boris Karloff's arm?

Tea and Limpathy

The key is the tana leaf brew
A tea that makes man live anew
Undead, he will stagger
Unsteady foot-dragger
But flee while you can or you're through.

The Mummy lore about restorative tana leaves was introduced in The Mummy's Hand (Christy Cabanne; 1940). Here Andoheb (George Zucco) opens the tana bin.

Walking Wound Dead

With one arm in a sling, one leg gimpy
He's a harmless old dingus, all limpy?
But he'll seize by the throat
And then squeeze till you bloat
Not too charming: this thing isn't wimpy.

David Cairns

Cowboy star Tom Tyler drags himself through the entirety of The Mummy's Hand (Christy Cabanne; 1940).

That Aroma Wasn’t Built in a Day

His odor's obscene, which means smelly
Like eau de latrine from New Delhi
Please spray him with Glade®
He may have decayed--
Guts stowed like unclean pea green jelly. 

The Mummy's Tomb (Harold Young; 1942) stars Lon Chaney, Jr and Turhan Bey. Title by aromatic Donald B. Benson. This is our second product plug for the air-freshener. Here's the first, Beauty and Deceased.

Eternity for Menaces

They'd run from this brainless cliché,

But the honeys all faint dead away

Unsteady, they stop

And, dead away, drop

So stunned by his ancient bouquet.

The Mummy's Tomb (Harold Young; 1942) stars Lon Chaney, Jr. and Elyse Knox.