Heavenly Features

No object upon which you'd wish,
this star is a strange kind of fish
Celestial shape
but pardon my gape
that sure is one heavenly dish

Passing On Gas

A bishop keeps spreading ‘good news’
that gas chambers never killed Jews
His views are appalling
And also, what’s galling
the Pope let him back in the pews


Reuters photos

The Jest Medicine

With dry wit or slapstick with spills
the laughter’s a cure for what ills
Though comedy’s healing
you’ll get funny feeling
'cause when it’s too funny, it kills

I Dream Of Weenie

Just what, from our dreams, can be gleaned?
Home movies subconsciously screened?
Return of “Repressed”
in classrooms, undressed?
Or visions of Welsh Rarebit fiend?


By Winsor McCay as 'Silas'. Click image to enlarge

Hyp-NOT-ic

Look into my eyes if you dare
I really don't mind if you stare

The deeper you peer

the less you will fear
You'll see that there's nothing in there

Department of Redundancy Dept.

Redundancy is a repeat
Efficiency it will defeat
First once more and then
again and again
(Repeating the first line's a cheat)



For a related limerick on this blog,
click on the Mental Health label
and read Repeat After Me, or just
click here

The Miss Fits

Transfixed, like the camera’s gaze
their eyeballs all lustfully glaze
The lost little filly
that drives them all silly
is one of the misfits and strays




Clark Gable, Marilyn Monroe, Mongomery Clift and Eli Wallach in John Huston's The Misfits (1961).

Blondes Have More Funds

Some office girls hired to take notes

take sable and mink home as coats
But most cut their losses
whenever their bosses
just won't take their hands off their throats

Sugar Kane Mutiny

The prince and the showgirl on sleeve

the asphalted jungle might leave
But clash by night junkie
had business with monkey
and seven year itch about eve

There are 7 Marilyn Monroe film titles contained in the

limerick above. Some titles are partial or slightly altered.

Limerick Of No Return

Like misfits at bus stops who shove
don't bother to knock, let's make love
Love happy Niagara
prefers blonde Viagra
When some like it hot, oven glove

Norm and Surly

8 Marilyn Monroe film titles are contained in the
limerick above. Some titles are partial or slightly altered.

Say It Ain't So, Monroe

A slugger, the Yank, Joltin' Joe
was hit by woo pitched by Monroe
The stuff that she served
was pleasantly curved
Though game she decided to throw

Omission Admission

AP photo
When telling his senate seat tale
seems Burris “forgot” a detail
His testified gaps
are more than a lapse
What Roland left out was a sale

Chimplicit

Once star for Old Navy and Coke
a chimp had become an old joke
Domestic disputes
with primitive brutes
all end with a gasp and a choke

A pet chimpanzee and former commercial
performer named Travis savagely attacked
a friend of its owner and was shot by police.
Earlier in the day the chimp had been given
the anti-anxiety drug, Xanax.
Read the story, here

Blonde, Dame's Blonde

The studio’s sent a new script
and through it I’ve already flipped:
A buxom dumb blonde
who seems rather fond
of having her dresses unzipped

It’s always the very same part
A bimbo, no brains, but all heart
Another star turn
for much more I yearn
Oh, why can’t I play someone smart?

I long for a really deep role
I’m thinking this Shakespeare’s my goal
Or some obscure play
way, way, off Broadway
As long as I don’t wear a stole

Sex comedy, romance and thriller
this Hollywood fluff is all filler
But Jewish New Yorkers
write prize-winning corkers
Perhaps I’ll work under Art Miller

Beached Wail

Oh, gee! I'm alone on a beach
At least that guy's hand's out of reach
Though I'd never choose
these horrible shoes...
I'm thinking I'll stop and buy bleach


Welcome to the Marilyn Marathon at Limerwrecks

The Importance of Being Ernest T. Bass

In love with a backwoodsy lass
a-courtin’ came Ernest T. Bass
No chocolates or roses
or knee bended poses
just rocks and the breaking of glass


And on that romantic note, Mayberry week is
plumb tuckered out. Y'all come back now, hear?

Pissaunt

When hearing the voice of Aunt Bee

The same thought returns unto me

That desperate warble

Makes me feel so horr'ble

She sounds like she needs to go pee

Norm Knott

Bee's Wheeze

Some voices hit all the wrong keys
Consider the sound of Aunt Bee’s
A wavering noise
which sometimes annoys
Both grating and cute by degrees

Surly H

On Slasher and Vixen

The boys are all horny at camp
and every last girl is a tramp
And guess who is bumping
off those who are humping

It’s Jason, that axe-wielding scamp

It's Friday the thirteenth, and once again

it's the Friday The Thirteenth franchise

and an apparently endless slaughter of

randy teenagers at camp Crystal Lake.

I miss Allan Sherman and Camp Granada.

Urine the Jailhouse Now

Pissed, Otis Regrets

Each night all the booze that he drank
got Otis so drunk that he stank
A bladder of pee,
he hadn't the key,
and pissed himself, locked in the tank.

He woke in his cell, cold and stinking
And soaked, told himself he’d stop drinking
As damp chilled his pants,
pink elephants danced
and croaked “What the hell were you thinking?”

Bottom of the Pyle

Throughout all the pain Gomer smiles

He went on in spite of his trials

The man was a trooper

Despite his pained pooper

For Gomer had terrible piles

Flat Foot Floogie With The Floyd Floyd

Old Floyd never gave a shampoo
He thought it was rather too-too
He shaved and he cut
and behaved like a nut
His barber pole spun like a screw

Nippin' It In The Rosebud

Fife's gun contained only one bullet

To father kids he tried until it

Would only shoot blanks

His wife said "No, thanks,

Why don't you stay home and just pull it?"

Norm Knott



Empty Chamber Music

Of Barney the folks would make fun
with hillbilly cruelty, homespun
He wished he was dead
and, aiming at head
played Russian Roulette with his gun

Surly Hack

Come What Mayberry

A town in the South, down below
where folks liked to take it real slow
Not workin' a lick
they'd fish in a crik
Some guys from New York wrote the show!



This week it's Limerwreck's irreverent and
sophomoric look at that sixties television
classic, The Andy Griffith Show

Optical Delusion

Is there any insect who'll go
and fly where the icy winds blow?
You say that none dares
Then tell me why there's
a spider web woven in snow!

The War In Error

The highway to Hell has been paved
by those whose lapel pin flags waved
Unending detentions
bely their intentions
and prove their indiff’rence, depraved

Kissed Me Deadly

My hatches she said I should batten
However, she told me in Latin
She caught me off guard
and kissed me so hard
the front of my face is now flattened

The Far Too Late Show

Rod’s shameless and can’t be disgraced
but under his mop he’s two-faced
He says he’s no Nixon
and there was no fix in
but Blago’s tapes weren’t erased

A hog for the spotlight craves pork      
so Blago flies off for New York
His late night PR
is just plain bizarre
He’s done, we should stick in the fork

Sermon and the Mount

So sure was the groom that he'd falter

he took baby steps to the altar

But he didn't swoon
on cruise honeymoon

and bride saw the Rock of Gibraltar

Cold Discomfort

From winter we’re under attack
by snow that could break a strong back
Then Arctic winds blow
to thirty below
and patience and pipes start to crack



It’s globally warming, we’re told
Then why's it so toe-numbing cold?!?
First serious snow job
then blustery blow job
Chicago, I’m getting too old

Blago-sphere

A midget who thinks he's a giant
when facing defeat stayed defiant
Now stripped of his power
he’ll soon have to shower
with cell mates who’ll make him compliant

Former governor and still media hog Rod
Blagojevich will appear on The Late Show
with David Letterman tomorrow night.

Any Port Wine in a Storm

A bottle of champagne is used

to christen a ship's maiden cruise.

But to the young miss

the question was this,

"Why waste a good bottle of booze?"

Empti-mess

A janitor enters a room
it's vastness pervaded by gloom
Each step filled with dread
of what lies ahead
inside the broom closet of doom


Is there no escape from this dreary drivel? Happily, yes.
This is the last nail in the coffin of Death Valley Daze
week at Limerwrecks. Farewell, fellow travelers.