After Dark, My Sweet Tooth

The vamp spreads a curse after dark
They'll leave on your person a mark
When hanging about
The fangs will come out
And their bite is much worse than their bark.



Bela Lugosi and Caroll Borland in Mark of the Vampire (1935), Tod Browning's remake of his own London After Midnight. Cross yourself, cretins: we'll continue to crawl from the crypt on Vampire Weekends.

One-Armed Manhandled

For a man who has only one arm
He's managed a whole lot of harm
Both nasty and cruel,
He was fast-tracked at school --
Though it can't be l'ecole de la charm.


Bill Raisch as the "one-armed man", with David Janssen and Diane Brewster as Richard and Helen Kimble. From Wikepedia: A dancer who worked for the Ziegfeld Follies in the 1930s, Raisch lost his right arm while serving in the US Navy during World War II. His most memorable film role was in a famous fight scene with Kirk Douglas in Lonely are the Brave.   Famous, that is, on Fugitive Fridays.  

Window Undressing

One look at the lady's reflection
And this schnook gets a fateful erection
He's soon doing time
In a nightmare of crime
As a crook who's afraid of detection.

Edgar G. Robinson and dream girl Joan Bennett, The Woman in the Window (Fritz Lang, 1944).

A Girl, A Guy and a Prob

All it takes is a stupid misstep  
One mistake that'll ruin your rep
A single hot date
That seemed to go great
Till a wake with a body to schlep.


Joan Bennett and Edward G. Robinson in The Woman in the Window (Fritz Lang, 1944). Aside from David Cairns, can anyone name the film that this limerick's title is a play on? Come on, film buffs!

Sour Milquetoast

Poor Christopher Cross was a sucker
When kissing a butt he would pucker
Then he fell for a floozy
Who...well, wasn't choosy
Got pissed, took an ice pick and stuck her.


Edward G. Robinson met Joan Bennett on Fritz Lang's Scarlet Street.

Joan of Dark

To make it she's scratched and she's clawed
By apes she's been slapped at and pawed
Bought, bartered and sold,
Her heart's not of gold
No lady, Joan Bennett's a broad.



In the 1940s, Joan Bennett played a string of loose ladies and dark dames, and was a favorite of director Fritz Lang. Here she's a hooker in Lang's Scarlet Street, having her toenails done by milquetoast Edward G. Robinson. Read our earlier rhymes on Joan Bennett. Image source: Shadows and Satin. 

Gored and Manor

His castle sits 'top of its mount,
And his vassals spout blood like a fount
He's a cross 'twixt a bat
And an aristocrat
First class, but an absolute count.

David Cairns

Bela Lugosi is that blood-sucking Transylvanian royal, Dracula (Tod Browning, 1931). This is only the first of many Vampire Weekends. For much more on the incorrigible count, visit  Monster Mania.

Crypt-Ick

Do not scoff at the awful undead
That go off to a coffin for bed
Long in tooth and of nail
They are ghoulishly pale
It depends on how often they've fed.


Bela Lugosi as the most famous vampire of them all, Dracula (Tod Browning, 1931). Welcome to our new feature, Vampire Weekends.

Life in the Last Lane

Found guilty of murder at trial
All he'd built hit the circular file
But with pluck, charm and cunning,
Kimble's luck is still running--
And will till the stirring last mile.


In fact, although the conclusion to the series is one of the most famous in television history, it was poorly written and is far from the moving finale it should have been. The Fugitive ran from 1963-67, but Fugitive Fridays is running out of room.

Fuest of the Few

His movies were magic and mad
Art deco and stylishly clad
Now the color in heaven's
Turned up to eleven
To welcome the pop-art de Sade.

David Cairns


English film director, screenwriter, and production designer Robert Fuest has died. His films include And Soon the Darkness (1970), The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971), Dr. Phibes Rises Again (1972), and The Final Programme (aka The Last Days of Man on Earth) (1973). Top: Feust directing Vincent Price in The Abominable Dr. Phibes. Above and below: Art deco sets from the film.

Mother, Slay I

His shrine to misogyny's apt
The mind in his noggin has snapped
Though his bride is the bomb,
He despises his mom,
And she finds the montage has her trapped.

Joan Bennett and Michael Redgrave in Secret Beyond the Door.

Diary of a Chamber Made

This lunatic's basement is filled
With rooms in which ladies were killed
To the smallest detail
They're installed without fail
Let's assume by the place she ain't thrilled.


Joan Bennett learns Michael Redgrave's Secret Beyond the Door (Fritz Lang, 1947). Redgrave gives a tour of his murder rooms here on YouTube. And our earlier limericking on this delirious damsel-in-distresser is right here on Limerwrecks.

Husband and Strife

A whirlwind romance and they wed
But the girl from the man should have fled
She married too soon
And was paired with a loon
Who's so squirelly he fancies her dead.

Michael Redgrave and Joan Bennett in Secret Beyond the Door ( Fritz Lang, 1947). That's right, post Vincent Price my mind is on the Fritz.

Secret Beyond the Door Man

To protect her the groom has to swear
But their wedding's a gloomy affair
What are vows to the louses
Who espouse killing spouses,
And collect rooms of doom in their lair?


Rosa Rey, Michael Redgrave, Joan Bennett and Natalie Schafer in Secret Beyond the Door (Fritz Lang, 1947).

Bride and Doom

You'll be bound to a morbid life mate
Live surrounded by horror and hate
Your bridal bouquet
Will dry and decay
Turn around now before it's too late.


Joan Bennett approaches the altar in Secret Beyond the Door ( Fritz Lang, 1947).

Over Priced

Our limerick tribute to Price
Was fitting but far from concise
For months it kept dragging
With interest flagging
Now slitting our wrists would feel nice.

Vincent Price holds Diana Rigg at the climax of Theatre of Blood. This brings to an end our tortuously long look back at the actor on his 100 year "Vincentennial", which we began last year with this rhyme.

The Ladies Manhunt

In the scariest nightmare he's hurled
A new terrible, frightening world
Great jeopardy lurks there
Though he's hep to the perks there
As it's very delightfully girled.

 

Fugitive Fridays stars David Janssen, seen here with his romance of the week, Antoinette Bower. Image source: Vintage, My Love. Title by David "Man-Lady" Cairns.

Shred Scissorhands

The elderly Vincent appears
And moves everybody to tears
Yet his black-clad creation
Has one aberration
He hasn't got fingers -- just shears.

David Cairns

Vincent Price and Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands (Tim Burton, 1990), a touching and fitting feature finale to Price's long career.

Sesame Street Cred

From humor Price wasn't aloof
His gruesome film image he'd spoof
His penchant for shock
He'd trenchantly mock
And foolishly act like a goof.


Vincent Price on The Muppet Show. Though most of Price's horror films are not comedies per se, they do contain plenty of humor, ranging from tongue-in-cheek to gallows black. And the actor enjoyed sending up his image as a horror star when he was a guest on radio and television. Image source: Tara @ Burachura

The Glowering Inferno

His murders referred to the plays
In absurd and most curious ways
By vengeance consumed,
At the the end he is doomed--
If he'd heard but a kernel of praise...

Our voluminous Vincentennial tribute to Vincent Price is almost over. Title by David Crispy Cairns.

Play it Again, Ham

His reaction's too melodramatic
There's bats in his belfry and attic
But his bloody good show
Is most apropos
And his acting is, well, cinematic.


Vincent Price and Diana Rigg in Theatre of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973).

Spurn Notice

So to best get his credit in lights
Ed dressed in a thespian's tights
Though no glowing reviews
Had him blowing a fuse,
And a quest for revenge he ignites.

Vincent Price's Edward Lionheart torches the Theatre of Blood. Image source: Cool Ass Cinema

Twinkle, Incal, Little Star

His elegant, sweeping ligne claire
Left his rivals in deepest despair
Much more than a relic
Of times psychedelic
Ink, inklings and incals to spare.

David Cairns


For Moebius

R.I.P. Jean Giraud

A Gir or a Moebius strip
What a weird and most wonderful trip
A great comics hero,

Le maître Jean Giraud,
Both peerless and protean, RIP.

Jean Giraud, aka Gir, aka Moebius, 8 May 1938 – 10 March 2012. A master of bandes dessinées.

Illegitimate Theatre

The cops and the critic agree
They must stop an award nominee
Or the dangerous actor
Will hang his detractors
From the top of a West End marquee.

Milo O'Shea, Eric Sykes and Ian Hendry finally figure out what's going on in the Theatre of Blood. This is our final week on Vincent Price.