Substandard Poodle

Don't screw with the trouper named Ed
Or this dude whom you booed wants you dead
Puttin' paid to your bitchin'
He's invadin' your kitchen,
Where your poodles as food you're force-fed.


Vincent Price and Diana Rigg give Robert Morley a mouthful in Theatre of Blood. A tip of the pork pie hat to D Cairns for the assist.

More and Morley

Have pity on poor Robert Morley
He was feeling quite peckish and poorly
Then ingested a feast
Of man's best friend and beast
Now he's reeling and really feels sorely.

Vincent Price and Robert Morley in Theatre of Blood.

Unjust Desserts

Bob Morley is poofy and gay
And a florid and goofy gourmet
Who adores his toy poodles
Even more than his strudels
But abhors horrid poochie soufflé.


Robert Morley as flamboyant theater critic Meridith Merridew, with slightly less flamboyant chef Vincent Price in Theatre of Blood. Image source: Cool Ass Cinema. I trust that you're happy, panavia999.

Dog Dude

This gent is a foodie, old bean
With a bent for the poodles that's keen
But he finds no appeal
When they grind his last meal
And his pets and his palette convene.

 Robert Morley portrays flamboyant theater critic Meridith Merridew in Theatre of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973).

Hand in Handcuffs

Kimble sits with his guard, ill at ease
It's the pits, but Gerard has the keys
As his prison cell nears
Through the window he peers,
And a stygian darkness he sees.

Richard Kimble ponders his fate as he looks at the world for the last time, and sees only...Fugitive Fridays.

Curtain Cull

David Cairns of Shadowplay does it again. Here's his take on the Shakespearean murders (and seven deadly sins) in Theatre of Blood.

DAMN YOUR IDES!

Beware March's terrible ides!
When man with machete collides!
This officious old geezer
Meets a fate worse than Caesar
When the meths-heads expose his insides!




SHAKE SPEAR IN LUVVY



His enemy casts him as Hector
Impaled on a spiky projector
Too late for remorse
He's dragged by a horse
Till nothing remains but his spectre.




THE DONOR PARTY



Edward's schemes are a bold work of art
His critics, deceased, all depart 
Rewriting the bard
He leaves this one scarred
With a pound of flesh taken - his heart.




WINE OWN EXECUTIONER



He's snoozy and boozy and fat
We'll drown the old sot in a vat
Like Richard the Third
We can flip him the bird
Let's see the sod get out of that.


DEADLY MOOR



He's an outwardly affable fellow
But as jealous within as Othello
When his nerves get a jangling
He swerves straight to strangling
While his poor Mrs quivers like Jell-O.





SAWN-OFF A BITCH



To lacerate, burn, bake or throttle?
Or hack with a saw at his wattle?
He'll be safely dispatched
With his noggin detached
And adorning his colleague's milk bottle.

DOG DISH




Morley's passion's for Gallic cuisine
So Vince fashions a TV show scene
The round dude'll die
On ground poodle pie
Being mashed into stomach and spleen.




CORAL GRIEF



Now Coral will curl up and die
In the hairdresser's chair she will fry.
For Ed it's a lark
To replay Joan of Arc
She'll be fried crispy Browne by and by.




EYE OFF-ER



Ed's answered his critics' vile jibes
In the manner of sick Dr Phibes
The last on his roster
He's cast Duke of Gloucester
And his eyes will be pricked by hot knives.


Vincent Price and Diana Rigg gleefully slaughter the London critics circle in Theatre of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973). The critics: Michael Hordern, Dennis Price, Harry Andrews, Robert Coote, Jack Hawkins and wife Diana Dors, Arthur Lowe, Robert Morley, Coral Browne (soon to be the third Mrs. Price), and Ian Hendry. Bravo!

Lion-Heart Attack

Ed gave all he had to his art
He sank himself into each part
When critics ignored him
He slit and he gored 'em
His favorite bit was the heart.


In Theatre of Blood, Vincent Price is actor Edward Lionheart, here playing Shylock in a murderous Merchant of Venice. With Declan Mulholland, Harry Andrews and Diana Rigg.

Spear of Influence

He had worked at perfecting his craft
And was irked when they heckled and laughed
But each critical cut
In a snit he'll rebut
When the jerks get the literal shaft.

Drama critic Dennis Price gets the point in Theater of Blood.

Sabre Prattling

His ambition was trodding the boards
Not the critical nods and awards
But creative ambition
Will crave recognition
So the swishy old sod's crossing swords.

Popular art vs.critical snobbery: Vincent Price and Ian Hendry duel in Theatre of Blood.

Review to a Kill

The seven most deadly of sins
Scares these critics clean out of their skins
With the actor they chided
Their asses collided
And the vengeful tragedian wins.

Surly Hack and David Cairns

 
The critics mourn one of their own in Theatre of Blood. Top: Robert Morley and his poodles, Ian Hendry, Madeline Smith, Harry Andrews and Coral Browne; Above: Robert Coote, Arthur Lowe and Andrews. Each of the Shakespeare-derived murders enacted in the film correspond to one of the seven deadly sins.

Critical Sass

Their reviews were all worse than he feared
They booed and they cursed and they jeered
But the pans set the stage
For his fanciful rage
When his cruel retribution premiered.

Vincent Price is an actor bent on revenge in Theater of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973).

All-Over-the-Map Quest

I've pursued him all over the map
He's eluded my every trap
Though he's shown that he's clever
He won't last forever              
And the fugitive won't beat the rap.


Lt.Gerard (Barry Morse) gets a long leash from his superior at the Stafford Indiana police department, Captain Carpenter (Paul Birch, top left). We're wondering where it will all end on Fugitive Fridays.

Once Bitten, Twice Shylock

Though his Shylock's a hook-nosed old geezer
He's a tried and true audience pleaser
When a critic was cruel
This Semitic old ghoul
Simply pried out his heart with a tweezer.


In Theater of Blood, Vincent Price plays an actor out for...um, blood.

Funny Title Deleted

Why no photo to go with this rhyme?
I oppose a proposed free speech "crime"
Don't let Feds interfere
Keep the web free and clear
Just say NO! to the corporate slime.

Help stop SOPA, the proposed Stop Internet Piracy Act and its Senate counterpart, PIPA, the Protect IP Act. Proponents claim these acts will allow the Justice Department to prosecute internet piracy and the theft of intellectual property. Sounds good, right? While we support protection of copyright in principle, we feel the legislation as written is potentially dangerous to the freedoms we currently enjoy on the internet. It will serve corporate interests at the expense of the rest of us. Let's give them time to write a better bill.  Please contact your representative, or you can learn more here, and here.  
If we speak up now we can stop this. 

The Third Man-iac

The critics were sorry they'd heard
His villainous Richard the Third
But Vince has a hunch
This critical bunch
Will  prefer it to being interred.


Vincent Price devours the role of a lifetime in Theatre of Blood.

Julius Caesar Salad

Reacting to critical nays
An actor will sift through the plays
And take from each story
A fate that is gory
To practice his craft as he slays.



Vincent Price performs in a Theatre of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1971).

Actor's Inequity

The theatre critics had scoffed
They decreed his renditions were soft
Said his take on the bard
Had been laden with lard
Ed will see all those idiots offed!

Vincent Price plays Shakespearean actor Edward Kendall Sheridan Lionheart -- to the hilt -- in Theatre of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973).

The Merchant of Menace

Perusing the evening news
He fumes at the sneering reviews
This ham will enact
A vengeful last act
And it won't be the scen'ry he chews.

He's had it with hearing their boos,
Now he's come to the end of his fuse
His vengeance dramatic
Makes Vincent ecstatic
And a fearsome revenge play ensues.

David Cairns

Vincent Price and Diana Rigg (in drag) in Theater of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973).

Out, Damned Spotlight!

Overwrought having lost an award
He's distraught and goes out of his gourd
They found him ho-hum?
He'll astound all those scum!
With their slaughter they ought not be bored.

As actor Edward Lionheart, Vincent Price goes Shakespearean on his critics in Theater of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973).

Road Show Business

When sentenced he goes on the run    
But the tension has only begun
For the cop giving chase
He's a constant disgrace,
So he's enemy numero one.

Dr Richard Kimble (David Janssen) nears the end of the road on Fugitive Fridays. Any Fugitive fans lurking out there in the dark?

So-So Evil

Ray of Death

From the gallows he ought to be strung
But this lad has a silvery tongue
He's all bad, with no heart
But a talent for art
Like his canvas, the cad should be hung.

David Cairns



Not So Hot Toddy

As a mission'ry lacking position
This cold fish hits the sack with faux "Titian"
Before you cry "criminy"
She slips you antimony
And you're finished and packed for perdition. 

David Cairns


So Evil My Love (Lewis Allen, 1948).  A great gaslight noir melodrama with Ray Milland as a failed artist and successful cad, luring missionary's widow Ann Todd to murder. Antimony is a metallic element used as a poison. -- David Cairns