Zombie Flesh Easter

It's Easter, give praise, do not mourn
Your deceased savior's raised and reborn
But these dead, now alive
Open heads to survive
And will feast on your brains Sunday morn.

Pasty-faced extras lurch through Night of the Living Dead (1968). Our title is by David Cairns, and is a nod to Zombies 2, aka Zombie Flesh Eaters (1979). We're going to hell in an Easter basket for resurrecting this blasphemous limerick each year.

All's Well that Ends Welles?

So Menzies was wearing a wire?
Old friends should play fair, or retire
You shoot, but alack,
The coot then shoots back
It ends for you there, in the mire...


Orson Welles as Hank Quinlan meets his end in Touch of Evil (Welles; 1958).

Dietrich or Treat

Marlene, black-wigged, eyes beholders
Our main man's grown big as some boulders
But his wistful, sad gaze
Through the mist of past days
(And chain-smoked cigars) sadly smoulders.

David Cairns


Marlene Dietrich and Orson Welles in Touch of Evil (1958).

Candy, Cane

Sheriff Hank gave up booze, now eats candy
When he drank he'd get woozy on brandy
Though he limps through this thriller
He's no gimp, he's a killer
And he strangles that loser Joe Grandi.

David Cairns

Orson Welles is Sheriff Hank Quinlan in Touch of Evil (Welles; 1958). Quinlan carries a cane, and he leaves it behind after strangling Joe Grandi, played by Akim Tamiroff.

David Cairns notes that various observers have commented on Welles being undone by his cane/Kane. But David might be the only one to point out that Welles freezeframes the hotel door sign saying Make Sure You Haven't Left Any Belongings Behind.

Hell Toupee

Uncle Joe cuts a fig short and squat
Face of dough, flips his wig when he's caught
In a cheap hotel room
The poor creep meets his doom
As this slow-moving pig ties the knot.

David Cairns

Sheriff Hank Quinlan (Orson Welles), Uncle Joe Grandi (Akim Tamiroff), and Susan Vargas (Janet Leigh) in a sordid scene in Touch of Evil (Welles; 1958).

House of Girth

A hulking and gritty grotesque
A skulking and bitter burlesque
Of clout and ambition
Now out of condition
His bulk doesn't fit 'neath his desk.


Joseph Calleia as Sgt. Pete Menzies, and Orson Welles as the massive meat-mound Hank Quinlan in
Touch of Evil (Welles; 1958)

Vargas' Girl

In a sweater all busty and pert
Like Betty, she's thrusting, overt
Now plunged into Hades
With grungy Mercedes
She's fretful, nonplussed, but unhurt.

Davd Cairns

Touch of Evil (Orson Welles; 1958): Susan Vargas (Janet Leigh) is terrorized by a gang led by actress Mercedes McCambridge.

Pigment of the Imagination

This Vargas, all manly and hale
This swarthy, gargantuan male
Is a fake, no Latino
Just make-up and Beano
By the jar smearing "Tan-Away-Pale".


Charlton Heston plays Mexican special prosecutor Miguel Vargas, here his American wife played by Janet Leigh. Touch of Evil (Orson Welles; 1958).

Ham and Sleaze

On the border where Tex and Mex meet

When disorder is vexing...some cheat
Will Hank blame the right perp
Or just frame up some twerp?
We're floored when he gets to his feet.

David Cairns

In Touch of Evil (1958), the entrance of Hank Quinlan (Orson Welles) is a low angle shot of the bulky police captain getting out of a car.

Lightning Round

Avoid round-the-bend, driven dames
Ask Freud why they tend to play games
They're muddled, all nerves
Make sudden, sharp swerves
Destroyed, they'll descend, burst in flames.


Darryl Hickman and Mercedes McCambridge in Lightning Strikes Twice (King Vidor; 1951).

Crawl the Police!

Exhausted, these cops on patrol
Have tossed every flop, dive, and hole
Despising all scum
Some guys can grow numb
The cost is a whopper: their soul.

Bitter and cynical police detective Robert Ryan is On Dangerous Ground (Nicholas Ray; 1951). With Charles Kemper and Anthony Ross.

Shot/Countershot

A mirror-maze shoot-out is crazy
What appears to be true gets quite hazy
The antagonists shatter
In fragments and scatter
When smoke clears they're all slew -- call Scorsese!

David Cairns

Everett Sloane, Orson Welles, and Rita Hayworth crack up in The Lady From Shanghai (Welles; 1947)

Shanghai Lowdown

This honey's too hot for a nun
She's done for, from shots from a gun
In every direction
Her severed reflection
This funhouse is rotten, not fun.

Rita Hayworth is The Lady From Shanghai (Orson Welles; 1947).

Holey Matrimony

The Bannisters, Elsa and Art
Should manage to dwell far apart
Their life, joined in wedlock
Is strife, strain and deadlock
Till - BANG! - each is shelled through the heart.

David Cairns

Rita Hayworth and Everett Sloane can't face each other in a hall of mirrors: The Lady From Shanghai (Orson Welles; 1947).

Shanghai Canoodle

For a picnic, they tarry on shore 
There wickedness, there to explore
Dirty tricks is their game
At the Mick they take aim
Will the thickheaded square learn the score?  

Glenn Anders, Everett Sloane, and Rita Hayworth all have plans for Irish sailor Orson Welles in The Lady From Shanghai (Welles; 1947).

Sliding Down Elsa Bannister

She'd rate as first mate on your ship
But wait -- she's one date you should skip
Her lips start to pucker
She trips up some sucker
Too late! Watch your fate take a dip.


Rita Hayworth is Elsa Bannister, aka The Lady From Shanghai (Orson Welles; 1947).

SeaUnworthy

You've signed with this seasickly crew
You'll find that all three are askew
They fight just like sharks
And their bite will leave marks
They're the kind that they feed at the zoo.


Sailor Orson Welles gets tangled up wih Everett Sloane, Glenn Anders, and Rita Hayworth in The Lady From Shanghai (Welles; 1947).

Seaman Worst Class

Beware of offensive attorneys
Who spare no expense when on journeys
And strut not on yachts
Where nutjobs hatch plots
Seafarers that dense end on gurneys.

Rita Hayworth and Orson Welles star in the dark and wacky film noir, The Lady From Shanghai (Welles; 1947).

David's a Goliath

                                 No slight, David's quick and prolific
                                 Delighting in icks quite horrific
                                 The limerick form
                                 To him is the norm
                                 To write 666 is terrific!

           

Congratulations to LimerWrecker David Cairns on reaching this satanic milestone. David is a talented writer, and we are very lucky and honored to have his wordplay here at LimerWrecks. You can follow David on his wonderful film blog, Shadowplay.

The Lady is a Vamp

This treacherous, icy noir dish
A fetching, but pricey cold fish
You sucker, you sap
You're stuck in her trap
Poor wretch! She'll entice you--then squish!


Rita Hayworth and Orson Welles in The Lady From Shanghai (Welles; 1947).

Silly Ass-assin

"I want you to kill me," he said
Too jaunty to will to be dead,
Faking murder he's planned
But some bird's unseen hand
Nonchalantly has filled him with lead.

David Cairns

Glenn Anders makes an unusual request in Lady From Shanghai (Orson Welles; 1947).

Past His Deadtime

Unsteady, not thriving, he dragged
Steps leaden, alive, but half-fagged
The toxin was glowing
The clock ticks, keeps going
Till 'Dead On Arrival' he's tagged.


Edmond O'Brien races against time in D.O.A. (Rudolph Maté; 1950).

The Right Snuff

He's tough, but it's late, and he's tired
And suffers a fate undesired
A ragged farewell
The tagline from hell
Enough with the wait, he's expired.


Edmond O'Brien is stamped D.O.A. (Rudolph Maté; 1950).

Slow-acting Masterclass

Ed O'Brien is chasing round town
The guy has a case to run down
While a poison acts slowly
Destroying him wholly
That's why Ed's fat face wears a frown.

David Cairns


Edmond O'Brien staggers through D.O.A. (Rudolph Maté; 1950).

The Fatal Glass of Fear

A sentence of death is announced
Like a zen shibboleth, mispronounced
The poison he's supped
Will annoy, then corrupt
He's spent, his last breath gets him bounced.

David Cairns

Edmond O'Brien learns of his imminent demise in D.O.A. (Rudolph Maté; 1950).

Unhappy Hour

In his highball a mickey was slipped
But why was he picked for the crypt?
So he sped around town
Then dropped dead, and fell down
Poor guy! Dirty trick got him R.I.P.ped.

Edmond O'Brien downs a spiked drink in D.O.A. (Rudolph Maté; 1950).

Hurry Rundown

Hungover? That booze had a kick
Laid low, not just woozy, but sick
For your killer you search
Willy nilly, you lurch
There's no time to lose--tick...tick...tick...

 Before he dies, Edmond O'Brien must find out who "murdered" him in D.O.A. (Rudolph Maté; 1950).

Ed On Arrival

The drug he's been given will kill him
He's buggered, won't live, it'll chill him
Can he catch his own killer
In this patchy noir thriller?
This struggle makes riveting fillum.

David Cairns


Edmond O'Brien stars in D.O.A. (Rudolph Maté; 1950), film noir that ends with a bang.