IT's in the Bag

On Christmas, alas and alack,
A grisly and ghastly attack!
There are gifts that keep giving
This one's miffed, and still living
Ol' Kris is harassed by his sack!


Thanks to LimerWreckers David Cairns ans Donald Benson for their help in spreading the holiday jeer. Here's wishing a healthy and happy holiday season to one and all!

Slay Ride

It's Christmas, he's done with his shopping
The Mrs. is stunned, her eyes popping
He bought her a gift
And thought not of thrift
No mistletoe hon, but there's chopping!


EC Comics cover art by Johnny Craig (1954). May your holidays be merry, not scary!

Direct from the Maul

Old Ygor, not wealthy but smart
Decided "This party needs heart!"
He went out and got one,
A fresh and a hot one
And gifted that handy spare part.

Donald B. Benson


Edgar Norton, Karloff, Lugosi, and Rathbone in Son of Frankenstein (Rowland V. Lee; 1939).

A Wild Christmas in Wales

I'm all packed like a woolly Kris Kringle
In my sack silver bullets go jingle
Werewolf hunting in Wales
If blunt instrument fails
Then I'll whack 'em this Yule in the dingle.

David Cairns

 

The Wolf Man has no idea what we're going on about. Lon Chaney Jr in Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man ( Roy William Neill; 1943).

Turn of the Scrooge

We hold dear the old story of how
Out of fear Mr. Scrooge made a vow.
But by end of December
He'd wise up and remember
Just as near the grim reaper is now.

If he's newly redeemed, that's just great.
He will duly embrace mortal fate.
But in most adaptations
His pro-Christmas orations
Are more truly a case of Scared Straight.

Donald B. Benson


Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol (Abe Levitow; 1962). Inspired by the observation that Magoo and many other Scrooges, in the end, do appear more worried about not dying than about mankind or anything else.

All is Romcom, All is Blight

The holiday romcoms on Hallmark
Delivered no bite and but small bark.
In contrast, "Apartment"
Direct for the heart went
And knocked them all out of the ballpark.

Donald B. Benson

The Apartment (Billy Wilder; 1960), set in the holiday season, is either the funniest melodrama or darkest romantic comedy ever.

Jingle Bells, H.G. Wells

Are you stuck with some clamorous kids
Who demand to watch holiday vids?
They'll go quiet and numb
If you show "Things to Come"
With a Christmas to scar their young ids.

Donald B. Benson


The Shape of Things to Come (William Cameron Menzies; 1936) begins with London being spectacularly bombed at Christmas. You'll never be asked to babysit again.

Santa's Little Box Office Gross

When their Superman epic scored high,
They resolved to give to Santa a try.
The result was expensive
But at best inoffensive.
You'll believe, but won't care, deer can fly.

Donald B. Benson


Dudley Moore and David Huddleston star in Santa Claus: The Movie (Jeannot Szwarc; 1985). Father-and-son producers Alexander and Ilya Salkind broke box office records with Superman, The Movie (1978). Their big budget Santa Claus however, was a flop.