New Year's' Eve of Destruction

All through New Year's these clowns have been drinking
And the booze they have downed got them stinking
Wine they poured was so "Gooood..."
Both had more than they should
And in ooze now they drown, slowly sinking.



The Monster (Glenn Strange) drags Dr. Niemann (Boris Karloff) down into quicksand in House of Frankenstein (Erle C. Kenton, 1944).

Here's wishing all of you a happy, not crappy New Year!

Swamp Fling

The bayou's not great for a romp
So why take a date to a swamp?
There's heat day and night
Mosquitoes that bite
And sly eight foot gators that chomp. 

Lure of the Swamp (Hubert Cornfield, 1957).

Kilt Trip

Dimension looms deep in the fog
But tension? You'll sleep like a log
What person is scared
By this cursed Scottish laird?
Did I mention the creep is a frog?



Veronica Hurst and Katherine Emery navigate The Maze (1953), directed in 3-D by William Cameron Menzies. It was his final film as production designer and director.

Teenage Face Panned

Getting kicks ain't enough for this teen
He's grown sick of the stuff he found keen
Now he's moody, depressed 
Always brooding, distressed
Meeting chicks can be tough when you're green.


Gary Conway and Whit Bissell in a lobby card from I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (Herbert L. Strock; 1957).

The Hole Truth

A chimney is also a hole
An in-way for Mr. North Pole

If Nick'las gets stuck

Your Christmas might suck

Unless you want plenty of coal!

Keep the home-fires burning, but first buy Santa a fireproof suit. Happy holidays to all from the mad rhymers at LimerWrecks!

A Christmas Peril

Some gunsel gets mad, there's foul play!
A honey goes bad--like, astray!
And >pant< is she stacked!
Then Santa gets whacked!
There's fun to be had Christmas Day!

Mike Hammer (Biff Elliot) and Captain Pat Chambers (Preston Foster) discuss who put the hit on Santa (Elisha Cook Jr.) in I, the Jury (1953). Based on the novel by Mickey Spillane, this x-mas noir was shot by John Alton in 3-D. Merry Christmas, to all you wise guys and deadly dames.

Uncomfortably Dumb

Some cheer for films maudlin and sappy
Brassiere-burstin' broads make some happy 
Those with minimal taste
Pursue cinema waste
Only weirdos applaud stuff this crappy.

Robot Monster aka Monster from Mars (Phil Tucker; 1953) was originally released in 3D, but the script and characters lack any depth whatsoever.

Rotten to the Cortex

This freak has been made from spare parts 

Physique it's displayed, but not smarts 

Lifts weights in a gym

But dates find him grim

This reeks, I'm afraid, like stale farts.

Angela Blake recoils from Gary Conway in I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (Herbert L. Strock; 1957). Title by brainy Donald Benson.

Promo-Seltzer

 

Such posters explain double-bills 

And boast of insane double-thrills
But it takes just one flick 

To make someone sick

Due mostly to braincells it kills. 

I Was a Teenage Werewolf (Gene Fowler Jr; 1957); Dragstrip Girl (Edward L. Cahn; 1957).

Beach Blanket Endorsement?

At seaside, these fellas turn randy
It's easy when belles are so handy
Babes boasting bikinis
And roasting their weenies
A squeeze would be swell but too sandy.

One can only imagine what former stars Brian Donleavy, Mickey Rooney, and Buster Keaton thought about appearing in How to Stuff a Wild Bikini (William Asher; 1965).

The Lagoon Isn't Blue

The Gillman gave villains their lumps
While treating the lady like mumps.
In previous pics
He wanted to mix,
But now he said "Dames is for chumps."

Donald Benson

The Creature Walks Among Us (John Sherwood; 1956) was the third and final installment of the Creature from the Black Lagoon series from Universal Pictures.

Eye, the Jury

From the screen see the violence blast!
Shots careen up the aisles--you're aghast!
3D fills out the lasses
But those silly, cheap glasses
Too routinely strain eyes so can't last.

Peggy Castle busts out of the screen in I, the Jury (Harry Essex; 1953).

Beach Blanket Bimbo

Obscene the ads say--this film's "blue"! 
But what's seen on display isn't new
A bore and a tease
No horror, just sleaze
Wide-screen AIP switcheroo! 

Harvey Lembeck and the Rat Pack motorcycle gang, and Susan Hart as The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (Don Weis; 1966), a production from American International Pictures (AIP). The "invisible bikini" was see-through, but all the audience saw was the background. Limerick assist by Donald "Blue Boy" Benson.

Immaterial Girl

Bikinis? Risqué peek-a-boo?
Dumb teenagers pay for a view
Once tickets are paid for
The trick has been played, for
It's G-rated fake ballyhoo.


The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (Don Weis; 1966). Thanks to Donald "Beach Blanket" Benson for the assist.

The Boast of the Invisible Bikini

The title and ads were all true:
Her swimsuit was really see-through!
But still we were pissed
Because of a twist:
The contents were transparent too.

Donald B. Benson

Boris Karloff stars, but doesn't wear a bikini in The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (Don Weis; 1966).

BallyHOO BOY!

MDs in such schlock will play God 
This cheesy film doc's rather odd

The weasel's all hands 
As he seizes the glands

From pleasing pleasin' Miss Todd's rockin' bod.

Psychiatrist John Carradine is the nominal star, but curvaceous Playmate Sally Todd is all over the promotion of The Unearthly (Brook L. Peters aka Boris Petroff; 1957).

A Big Gland For the Little Lady

To this trap many victims are lured
Where the saps are made sicker, not cured
With new organs inserted
Become horrors perverted
Perhaps for such tricks they're insured?


Tor Johnson carries Sally Todd in a lobby card for The Unearthly ( Brook L. Peters aka Boris Petroff; 1957).

Leave It to Cleavage

Oh the thrilling effects we could mention!
Filled to spilling with sexual tension!
Wearing cheap cardboard glasses
This is deep for the masses
Giving killing an extra dimension!

David Cairns

Once More Into The Beach...Movies

The eyes are like two limpid pools
But guys, not the cue balls in ghouls!
It's haunted, the sea
And daunted you'll be
Surprise! This thing chews human fools!

The make-out session between Antony Carbone and Betsy Jones-Moreland is interrupted by the Creature from the Haunted Sea (Roger Corman; 1961).

The House that Watched Frankenstein

 

Those reels of the old black & whites
With dated and delicate frights
Were now in demand
All over the land
For TV on Saturday nights.

The monsters were all disinterred.
But why had this horror occurred?
T'was Baby Boom kids
Who flipped for old vids...
But first, from our sponsor, a word.

Donald B. Benson

The drive-in movie helped create the youth film market. Hollywood was throwing everything at the screen: 3-D, Cinerama...any gimmick they could think of. Desperately looking for ways to counter the convenience and novelty of television.

Bring Me the Head of Roger Corman

This beast tears the head from the neck
Deceased, guys have bled all to heck
This picture's so bad
Dead victims stay mad
At least they see red, not this dreck.

Night of the Blood Beast (Bernard L. Kowalski;1958) was produced by exploitation expert Roger Corman and his brother Gene.

Deep Doo Doo

You poor slob, how you shout, jump, and clap
As misc objects fly out in your lap
By a gimmick impressed
You're too dim to have guessed
The film lobby cards tout is pure crap. 

Bwana Devil (Arch Oboler; 1952) was the first feature in the 3D craze of the 1950s.

Drive-In, He Said

With hotdogs in hot-rods we'll see
Some plotless and thoughtless schlock "B"

Though the flick is low-budget
With chicks, who'd begrudge it?
What we got's an ill-shot jamboree.

David Cairns


Dragstrip Girl (Edward L. Cahn; 1957), an early success for American International Pictures. Welcome to Drive-In December, a month-long celebration of cheesy drive-in cinema, those low budget, gimmick, and exploitation films aimed at teenagers, the subliterate, or anyone else looking for lowbrow kicks.