New Year's' Eve of Destruction

All through New Year's these clowns have been drinking
And the booze they have downed got them stinking
Wine they poured was so "Gooood..."
Both had more than they should
And in ooze now they drown, slowly sinking.



The Monster (Glenn Strange) drags Dr. Niemann (Boris Karloff) down into quicksand in House of Frankenstein (Erle C. Kenton, 1944).

Here's wishing all of you a happy, not crappy New Year!

Swamp Fling

The bayou's not great for a romp
So why take a date to a swamp?
There's heat day and night
Mosquitoes that bite
And sly eight foot gators that chomp. 

Lure of the Swamp (Hubert Cornfield, 1957).

Kilt Trip

Dimension looms deep in the fog
But tension? You'll sleep like a log
What person is scared
By this cursed Scottish laird?
Did I mention the creep is a frog?



Veronica Hurst and Katherine Emery navigate The Maze (1953), directed in 3-D by William Cameron Menzies. It was his final film as production designer and director.

Teenage Face Panned

Getting kicks ain't enough for this teen
He's grown sick of the stuff he found keen
Now he's moody, depressed 
Always brooding, distressed
Meeting chicks can be tough when you're green.


Gary Conway and Whit Bissell in a lobby card from I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (Herbert L. Strock; 1957).

The Hole Truth

A chimney is also a hole
An in-way for Mr. North Pole

If Nick'las gets stuck

Your Christmas might suck

Unless you want plenty of coal!

Keep the home-fires burning, but first buy Santa a fireproof suit. Happy holidays to all from the mad rhymers at LimerWrecks!

A Christmas Peril

Some gunsel gets mad, there's foul play!
A honey goes bad--like, astray!
And >pant< is she stacked!
Then Santa gets whacked!
There's fun to be had Christmas Day!

Mike Hammer (Biff Elliot) and Captain Pat Chambers (Preston Foster) discuss who put the hit on Santa (Elisha Cook Jr.) in I, the Jury (1953). Based on the novel by Mickey Spillane, this x-mas noir was shot by John Alton in 3-D. Merry Christmas, to all you wise guys and deadly dames.

Uncomfortably Dumb

Some cheer for films maudlin and sappy
Brassiere-burstin' broads make some happy 
Those with minimal taste
Pursue cinema waste
Only weirdos applaud stuff this crappy.

Robot Monster aka Monster from Mars (Phil Tucker; 1953) was originally released in 3D, but the script and characters lack any depth whatsoever.

Rotten to the Cortex

This freak has been made from spare parts 

Physique it's displayed, but not smarts 

Lifts weights in a gym

But dates find him grim

This reeks, I'm afraid, like stale farts.

Angela Blake recoils from Gary Conway in I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (Herbert L. Strock; 1957). Title by brainy Donald Benson.

Promo-Seltzer

 

Such posters explain double-bills 

And boast of insane double-thrills
But it takes just one flick 

To make someone sick

Due mostly to braincells it kills. 

I Was a Teenage Werewolf (Gene Fowler Jr; 1957); Dragstrip Girl (Edward L. Cahn; 1957).

Beach Blanket Endorsement?

At seaside, these fellas turn randy
It's easy when belles are so handy
Babes boasting bikinis
And roasting their weenies
A squeeze would be swell but too sandy.

One can only imagine what former stars Brian Donleavy, Mickey Rooney, and Buster Keaton thought about appearing in How to Stuff a Wild Bikini (William Asher; 1965).

The Lagoon Isn't Blue

The Gillman gave villains their lumps
While treating the lady like mumps.
In previous pics
He wanted to mix,
But now he said "Dames is for chumps."

Donald Benson

The Creature Walks Among Us (John Sherwood; 1956) was the third and final installment of the Creature from the Black Lagoon series from Universal Pictures.

Eye, the Jury

From the screen see the violence blast!
Shots careen up the aisles--you're aghast!
3D fills out the lasses
But those silly, cheap glasses
Too routinely strain eyes so can't last.

Peggy Castle busts out of the screen in I, the Jury (Harry Essex; 1953).

Beach Blanket Bimbo

Obscene the ads say--this film's "blue"! 
But what's seen on display isn't new
A bore and a tease
No horror, just sleaze
Wide-screen AIP switcheroo! 

Harvey Lembeck and the Rat Pack motorcycle gang, and Susan Hart as The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (Don Weis; 1966), a production from American International Pictures (AIP). The "invisible bikini" was see-through, but all the audience saw was the background. Limerick assist by Donald "Blue Boy" Benson.

Immaterial Girl

Bikinis? Risqué peek-a-boo?
Dumb teenagers pay for a view
Once tickets are paid for
The trick has been played, for
It's G-rated fake ballyhoo.


The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (Don Weis; 1966). Thanks to Donald "Beach Blanket" Benson for the assist.

The Boast of the Invisible Bikini

The title and ads were all true:
Her swimsuit was really see-through!
But still we were pissed
Because of a twist:
The contents were transparent too.

Donald B. Benson

Boris Karloff stars, but doesn't wear a bikini in The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (Don Weis; 1966).

BallyHOO BOY!

MDs in such schlock will play God 
This cheesy film doc's rather odd

The weasel's all hands 
As he seizes the glands

From pleasing pleasin' Miss Todd's rockin' bod.

Psychiatrist John Carradine is the nominal star, but curvaceous Playmate Sally Todd is all over the promotion of The Unearthly (Brook L. Peters aka Boris Petroff; 1957).

A Big Gland For the Little Lady

To this trap many victims are lured
Where the saps are made sicker, not cured
With new organs inserted
Become horrors perverted
Perhaps for such tricks they're insured?


Tor Johnson carries Sally Todd in a lobby card for The Unearthly ( Brook L. Peters aka Boris Petroff; 1957).

Leave It to Cleavage

Oh the thrilling effects we could mention!
Filled to spilling with sexual tension!
Wearing cheap cardboard glasses
This is deep for the masses
Giving killing an extra dimension!

David Cairns

Once More Into The Beach...Movies

The eyes are like two limpid pools
But guys, not the cue balls in ghouls!
It's haunted, the sea
And daunted you'll be
Surprise! This thing chews human fools!

The make-out session between Antony Carbone and Betsy Jones-Moreland is interrupted by the Creature from the Haunted Sea (Roger Corman; 1961).

The House that Watched Frankenstein

 

Those reels of the old black & whites
With dated and delicate frights
Were now in demand
All over the land
For TV on Saturday nights.

The monsters were all disinterred.
But why had this horror occurred?
T'was Baby Boom kids
Who flipped for old vids...
But first, from our sponsor, a word.

Donald B. Benson

The drive-in movie helped create the youth film market. Hollywood was throwing everything at the screen: 3-D, Cinerama...any gimmick they could think of. Desperately looking for ways to counter the convenience and novelty of television.

Bring Me the Head of Roger Corman

This beast tears the head from the neck
Deceased, guys have bled all to heck
This picture's so bad
Dead victims stay mad
At least they see red, not this dreck.

Night of the Blood Beast (Bernard L. Kowalski;1958) was produced by exploitation expert Roger Corman and his brother Gene.

Deep Doo Doo

You poor slob, how you shout, jump, and clap
As misc objects fly out in your lap
By a gimmick impressed
You're too dim to have guessed
The film lobby cards tout is pure crap. 

Bwana Devil (Arch Oboler; 1952) was the first feature in the 3D craze of the 1950s.

Drive-In, He Said

With hotdogs in hot-rods we'll see
Some plotless and thoughtless schlock "B"

Though the flick is low-budget
With chicks, who'd begrudge it?
What we got's an ill-shot jamboree.

David Cairns


Dragstrip Girl (Edward L. Cahn; 1957), an early success for American International Pictures. Welcome to Drive-In December, a month-long celebration of cheesy drive-in cinema, those low budget, gimmick, and exploitation films aimed at teenagers, the subliterate, or anyone else looking for lowbrow kicks.

The Son Also Rises Late

They meet, he in black, she in white
They greet with a smack in the night
Though her neck would be grand
Just a peck on her hand
Discretely they'll shack up, then bite.

Lon Chaney Jr. and Louise Allbritton in Son of Dracula (Robert Siodmak; 1943). Stay tuned for Drive-In December!

Interred Sandman

When you sleep in the grave, do you dream?
Counting sheep would be brave, it would seem
When you find you're interred
Does your mind become blurred?
Buried deep, do you rave, rant and scream? 

David Cairns

Ray Milland stars in The Premature Burial (Roger Corman; 1962), which was based on the story by Edgar Allen Poe. 

Turkey Shoot

It's slipshod and rotten, not keen
Both scripting and plot are pre-teen
But by golly gee!
It's sci-fi 3-D!
Folks flipped when stuff shot from the screen!

George Nader stars in the "Golden Turkey" winner, Robot Monster (Phil Tucker; 1953). Happy Thanksgiving from the not-ready-for-rhymetime team at LimerWrecks. We hope you all get stuffed.

Counting Scarecrows

Two movies were made out of this,
And both are too juicy to miss.
One's Disneyfied glamour
One's horror from Hammer
So which do you choose: Syn or Bliss?

Donald B. Benson



Patrick McGoohan and Peter Cushing play the same character in two films. Hammer's Night Creatures (aka Captain Clegg) and Disney's Doctor Syn, Alias the Scarecrow were both released in 1962, and both derived from Russell Thorndyke's tales of a smuggling vicar. Of course lawyers got involved, so Hammer renamed Dr. Syn as Dr. Bliss. Disney turned the vicar into a masked hero, while Hammer offered a much darker tale. Both are worth seeing.  --Donald Benson

Lon's on First

The studio figured before
They closed up the old monster store
They'd clear out the stock
For comics to mock
And make a last box office score.

Some say that the movie is great
Because all the scaries played straight.
But comedy due
to clowns Bud and Lou
Determined the franchise's fate.

Donald B. Benson


It was hard to take the monsters seriously after Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948); with Glenn Strange, Lon Chaney Jr., and Bela Lugosi.

Graveyard Shiftless

In sequels from Meets through each House
He weakens from creature to mouse
Lying flat on a slab
He grows fat, puts on flab
Stops seeking a sweet monster spouse. 

David Cairns with Surly Hack

In House of Frankenstein (Erle C.Kenton; 1944), Glenn Strange's lumbering dolt is a far cry from the complex character created by Karloff.

Little Lady in the Lake

How crippled the line of his thinking...
One dip and the tiny girl's sinking
Where'd he get the idea
When he met young Maria--
Was Ripple the wine was he drinking?

Boris Karloff and Marilyn Harris in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931). James Finn Garner slam dunked the title.

New Life With Father

In error a "son" he has wrought
A terror begun without thought
From frightening parts
With lightning it starts
From this heir he would run but he's caught.

Colin Clive and Boris Karloff in the daddy of them all, Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931).

Rehab of the Vampire

At housing of Drac you're restored
No longer despised and abhorred.
Whatever your curse,
You'll see it reverse.
For monsters, it's like Betty Ford.

Although of the cases we've had,
Our doctor himself is quite sad.
A minor amount
Of blood from the Count
Turned him mad, I tell you! He's MAD!

Donald B. Benson

Jane Adams and John Carradine give Onslow Stevens a confusing transfusion in House of Dracula (Erle C. Kenton; 1945).

A Child Shall Bleed Them

Drac's offspring is dressed all in black
And in coffins she rests on her back
Which means Vlad did the deed
Undead cad spread his seed
But who'd boff that old pest in the sack? 

Gloria Holden is Dracula's Daughter (Lambert Hillyer; 1936).

Night of the Eagle has Landed

Don't sneer at Jamaican occult
With seers who wield snakes don't consult
Their horrible potions
Are more than mere notions
Steer clear or your wake's the result.

Janet Blair is caught with her magic totems by Peter Wyngarde in Night of the Eagle aka Burn, Witch, Burn (Sidney Hayers; 1962), based on Fritz Lieber's novel Conjure Wife, which was previously filmed as Weird Woman (Reginald Le Borg; 1944).

Second Terminal

A meathead and bellicose boor
Each tweet some new smelly manure
The unspeakable worm
Now seeks one more term
Defeat him, or hell we'll endure. 

I forgot to post this one during the campaign, but when I heard talk of another run in four years I had to update it and post it here. Will this nightmare ever end?

Bashing the Bishop

 

Re-brained was the Monster, egad!

When chained, his response was: get mad
Broke free and then fled
But seeing deep red

Profaned, "Sacred monuments...BAD!

Boris Karloff in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935). Thanks to David Cairns for the smashing title.

Wrist Cure

A maniac's dining on gland
Why chain the guy minus one hand?
He gets fresh and frenetic
With flesh that's synthetic
Which explains how the swine can expand.

 David Cairns

Preston Foster in Doctor X (Michael Curtiz, 1932), a twisted pre-code horror gem, eerily hued in two-strip Technicolor.

Blond Bombshells

His will to the children eroding
This villager filled with foreboding
Outside, he's unblinking
To hide what he's thinking: 
To kill and be killed by exploding.

George Sanders contemplates the endgame in Village of the Damned (Wolf Rilla; 1960). Title by Joseph Bryl.

Learn, Witch, Learn!

He's fatigued teaching college, poor souse
But in league with dark knowledge, his spouse
She's cast spells, summoned forces
Raising hell with his courses
Now the eagle will call at his house.

David Cairns

Peter Wyngarde in Night of the Eagle aka Burn, Witch, Burn (Sidney Hayers; 1962), a film which is compared to those by producer Val Lewton.

Damned If You Do...

 

Math problems mere playthings at school
For this mob bent on alien rule

You've bred them, each one

They're led by your "son"

Your job is to slay them you ghoul! 

George Sanders must destroy the alien offspring in Village of the Damned (Wolf Rilla; 1960).

Moppets From Space

The cuckoos of Midwich will hatch
From the book come these kids who all match
While their hamlet was sleeping
Some damned thing came bleeping
Now these spooky sprogs come in one batch.

David Cairns

Martin Stephen leads a band of creepy kids of questionable origin, born prematurely in the English town of Midwich, aka Village of the Damned (Wolf Rilla; 1960). The film is adapted from the novel The Midwich Cuckoos by John Wyndham.