Intermission Impossible

Enough with the giant spiders and bugs. We're taking a break. See you soon.

Roadkiller

“Massive spider runs out of control!”
Someone dial up the Highway Patrol!
The job should be offered
To Broderick Crawford;
We can’t have bugs breaking parole.

Paul Truster



Top: Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955) Above: Broderick Crawford starred as Police chief Dan Mathews on the television series Highway Patrol from 1955 to 1959.

Primitive and Proper

The Doc gets perverted at work
Though no jock, chases skirts, likes to lurk
Is it blood from a fish
Makes him cuddle this dish?
Runs amok, rips his shirt like a jerk.

David Cairns

Madeline Howard (Joanna Moore),is attacked by her fiancee, Dr. Donald Blake (Arthur Franz), when he turns into the Monster on the Campus (Jack Arnold; 1958).

Caveman on Campus

At the scientist ignorance gnaws
Asking "Why?" he must figure the cause
Can we limit or purge
Our most primitive urge?
Are all guys sexist pigs with big paws?

Dr. Donald Blake (Arthur Franz) injects himself with plasma from a coelacanth, "...a living fossil, immune to the forces of evolution," reverts to a caveman and becomes the...Monster on the Campus (Jack Arnold; 1958). With stunt double Eddie Parker and poor Joanna Moore.

Schlock Formations

Most of movieland's freakiest dramas
Are improved by these bleak panoramas:
Giant spiders gone ape
And some guy, out of shape
Looking groovy and chic in pajamas.

David Cairns

Scientist Leo G. Carroll (or his stunt double), afflicted by acromegaly, wanders out into the desert in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

The Doctor is In...toxicated

One side of his face has been sinking
An eye's out of place and keeps blinking
He's badly depressed
Too sad to get dressed
He hides, in disgrace, and starts drinking.

Scientist Leo G. Carroll, deformed by acromegaly in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955).

The Man From Drunkle

She comforts her pitiful boss
The dummy just sits, at a loss
Though his tests seem to work
A big pest goes berserk
And, glum, he's been hitting the sauce.

Mara Corday assists Scientist Leo G. Carroll, afflicted by acromegaly in Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955). Title by punchline drunk Jim Siergey.

Invitation to the Ants

In the fifties, these creatures prevail
'Cause they're nifty, each big as a whale
Giant hideous ants
Make the kids crap their pants
Although thrifty, B-features have scale.

David Cairns

Giant ants threaten humankind in THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Gore In Store

An attempt to increase farmer’s yields
Proves disastrous without proper shields.
Now the ravenous ‘hoppers
Are clacking their choppers;
Don’t let them attack Marshall Field’s!

Paul Truster

Grasshoppers attack Chicago in Beginning of the End (Bert I. Gordon; 1957). Marshall Field’s was a famous department store in the city.

Cheapjack Web

In its trap you'll get stuck and...oh my
It'll tap you and suck your bod dry
Once awakened by rock
It'll make with the schlock
It's the crappiest, yucky sci-fi.

Teenagers Eugene Persson and June Kenney are stuck in the web of a giant tarantula in Earth vs. the Spider (a.k.a. The Spider and Earth vs. the Giant Spider; Bert I. Gordon; 1958).

Shock Hop

So this spider crawls out of a hole
And discovers it hates rock and roll
The kids aren’t attracted
To the grumpy arachnid
He can’t help it – he just prefers soul!

Paul Truster



A rock band practicing for a school dance awakens the title tarantula in Earth vs. the Spider (Bert I. Gordon; 1958).

Say No to Bugs

The worst kind of flicks to get bit in:
These cursed drive-in quickies, ill-written
Starring bugs grown audacious
And both ugly, voracious
Blood-thirsty, thick-coated with chitin.

David Cairns

Earth vs. the Spider (a.k.a. The Spider and Earth vs. the Giant Spider; Bert I. Gordon; 1958). Title by naysayer Donald B. Benson. 
Limerick Lexicon: chitin noun; a tough semitransparent horny substance; the principal component of the exoskeletons of arthropods

Vengeance is Them's

The fashion was critters that kill
They'd smash, grab and skitter at will
These giants bore scars
From highways of cars
That mashed them to bits on the grille.

The Big Bug sci-fi monster craze of the 1950s spawned many films. Insects strike back in movies such as THEM!, Tarantula, Beginning of the End, and Deadly Mantis (pictured).

Ant Eaters

Their pincers are sharp as they hug me
I wince as they carve up and mug me
They prefer Man to feces
So it's curtains, dear species
These insects are starting to bug me.

THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954). Title by David Cairns, who is getting antsy.

Delinqu-Ants

Either commies attack, or it's bugs!
Kids read comics, talk back, and take drugs!
We're all going to pot!
It's a galling Red plot!
So moms, give them smacks and not hugs!

Sandy Descher wanders through the irradiated desert in THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954). Title by missing delinquent David Cairns.

Do You Dig Graves?

Call for Graves when the danger gets mortal
He will save you from spray that's aortal
When bugs run berserk
This mug goes to work
You'll be saved, though his "range" makes me chortle.

David Cairns

Beginning of the End (Bert I. Gordon, 1957) stars Peter Graves of Mission Impossible fame, here protecting Peggie Castle from the giant grasshoppers that attack Chicago.