Cavemansplaining

His peers only turn up their snoots
His theory they spurn, think a hoot
The hive-minded fools
From ivy league schools
Will fear what he'll learn as a brute.

The Neanderthal Man (Ewald André Dupont; 1953). Professor Groves (Robert Shayne) presents his crackpot theory that Neanderthal man was more intelligent than 'modern man' because Neanderthals had bigger brains. Throwback Thursday is getting hairy.

Gort-Sighted

This alien bot reigns supreme
Obey, or be shot by its beam
Instead of two eyes
One deadly surprise
The ray from its slot is a scream.

Gort (Lock Martin) does his thing in The Day the Earth Stood Still (Robert Wise; 1951). Title by Mr. Roboto, Donald Benson.

The Morris, the Merrier

Cops hunt the once criminal Blackie,
And Runt, his diminutive lackey
With charades and disguises,
Blackie trades in surprises
Pulls stunts that are winning and wacky.



Chester Morris played Boston Blackie in a series of 14 films for Columbia. George E. Stone played his sidekick, the Runt in all but the first and last of the entries. Richard Lane was the long-suffering Inspector Farraday. Kent Taylor later played Blackie on TV. Title by terrier Donald Benson.

The Ripe Stuff

He carries a curse as he trudges

Be wary, he's nursing deep grudges 

This old fart cannot speak

But his parts sometimes creak

Prepare! Nothing's worse than this drudge is.  

Cowboy star Tom Tyler as the ancient Kharis in Universal's The Mummy's Hand (Christy Cabanne; 1940). Donald B. Benson, title-stuffer

Bridal Cower

Romance treads the bumpiest road
What chance have these chumps doctors sewed?
It's mad to play cupid 
This badly, it's stupid
One glance and the dump will explode.

Colin Clive, Elsa Lanchester Boris Karloff, and Ernest Thesiger in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

The Wages of Fin

Tainted gore from a primitive fish
Grants this bore ev'ry timid man's wish:
To be changed from a wimp
To deranged, macho chimp
So he'll score with this limp, luscious dish.



Arthur Franz transforms into The Monster on the Campus (Jack Arnold; 1958), and carries off poor Joanna Moore. Title finessed by Donald Benson.

The Day Her Heart Stood Still

It seems she's been dating a drip
He's scheming and grating, unhip
She lands someone new
The handsome Klatuu
A dreamboat who rates a big ship.

Hugh Marlowe and Patricia Neal in The Day the Earth Stood Still (Robert Wise; 1951).

Charlie Chan is Missing

Warner Oland's a bloated old wreck
The production is floating towards heck
What new player Caucasian
Could portray a screen Asian?
Peter Lorre as Moto's on deck.

Maxie Rosenbloom, Peter Lorre, and Keye Luke in Mr. Moto's Gamble (1938). The script was originally written for Charlie Chan at the Ringside starring Warner Oland. But Oland's failing health stopped production, his footage was scrapped, and the script was rewritten for Peter Lorre's Mr. Moto series. Tuesday is Sleuthsday at LimerWrecks.

Being an Unsound Mime

He putters around in the night
Mouth shut, won't expound or recite
He'll swat any dame
Who's not his old flame
This nut has been bound far too tight.

Kharis (Lon Chaney) throttles Jane Banning (Mary Gordon) in The Mummy's Tomb (Harold Young; 1942). Title by Donald B. Benson, mime-stopper.

The Couch of Frankenstein

They sit side by side, he's excited
But his jittery bride's not delighted
He quivers, all mush
She gives him the brush
That's it--monster pride's been ignited.

Elsa Lanchester and Boris Karloff don't make a love connection in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Going Ape, Man

 

Between primate and scientist split,
Awful crimes this ape-guy does commit
Frankenstein might explain
Why a spine he must drain,
Why he climbs up so high, picks a nit.

Bela Lugosi and Minerva Urecal in The Ape Man ( William Beaudine; 1943).

Gort is in Session

From the skies comes this chap who destroys
Lifts his visor and...Zap! Look out, boys!
All your tanks and your rifles
Quite frankly, are trifles
Which he fries like cheap scrap metal toys.

Gort the robot disintegrates the soldiers' weapons in The Day the Earth Stood Still (Robert Wise; 1951). Donald Benson thort up the title.

Gorts and All

 

This robot will scare off your pants
No foe has a prayer or a chance 
It's an army of one
Does more harm than your gun
When he glows, best beware of his glance.

Gort (Lock Martin) emerges from the saucer in The Day the Earth Stood Still (Robert Wise; 1951).

Justice Visiting

His appearance is manly, he's charming
Though some fear that our planet he's harming
Those in power all freak
Can't allow him to speak:
Klaatu's here to demand their disarming.

Klaatu (Michael Rennie) warns the Earth in The Day the Earth Stood Still (Robert Wise; 1951).

Undead On His Feet

His wrappings are threadbare and cheap
Poor sap has no bed and can't sleep
Not very athletic,
Yet peripatetic
Unhappy, undead, on he'll creep.

The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg; 1944) stars Lon Chaney Jr, who looks ready to give up the ghost. Title by surefooted David Cairns.

The Hooch of Frankenstein

Our monster’s now deep in the sauce
What’s left of his brain’s a dead loss
Though served smokes and pottage
He burns down the cottage
--If I were the monk, I’d be cross.

Paul Truster

The Monster (Boris Karloff) and the hermit (O.P. Heggie) party hearty in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935). Franken-Fridays is fit as a fiddle.

Stone-Age Kicks

No adult that they know understands
Teen culture aglow, holding hands
The norm at their age
Is hormones will rage
Resulting from overstuffed glands.

Robert Vaughn and Darrah Marshall in a lobby card for Teenage Caveman (Roger Corman; 1958). Title by David Cairns, still kicking.

Man's Favorite Gort

He is featureless, space-borne and shiny
Have a seat, human race, you're too tiny
Gort will heed each directive
And indeed he's reflective
You can see your own face in his heinie.

David Cairns
 
Patricia Neal  observes Gort the robot (Lock Martin) in The Day the Earth Stood Still (Robert Wise; 1951).

Regal Alien

He exhorts us to quit with the bomb
With pal Gort he's a Brit with aplomb
He attacks our top brass
In an accent cut-glass
He's the sort who's a hit with this mom.

David Cairns

In The Day the Earth Stood Still (Robert Wise; 1951), Klaatu (Michael Rennie) wows Helen Benson (Patricia Neal), as Gort (Lock Martin) stands by in the background.

Flame and Fortune

By rights, the poor mummy's concerned
Once bright, now his prospects have turned;
Never trust the High Priest
He's a lustful, low beast
And his acolytes always get burned.

Paul Truster



Priest of Karnak Turhan Bey and Mummy Lon Chaney Jr. in The Mummy's Tomb (Harold Young; 1942). Mummy Mondays is carrying a torch.

Good-Time Snarly

He's fun, and enjoys a good smoke
Just one of the boys, likes a joke
You'll start as his "friend"
But parties must end
So run, he destroys what ain't broke.

Two hunters (Jack Curtis and John Carradine) interrupt the idyll of Monster (Boris Karloff) and hermit (O.P. Heggie) in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935). Welcome to Franken-Fridays.

The Big Short Circuit

One day all we know is stopped short
The ways we spread woe on report
Klaatu comes in peace,
But humans must cease
Their mayhem, or throw down with Gort.

Gort (Lock Martin) and Klaatu (Michael Rennie) in The Day the Earth Stood Still (Robert Wise; 1951). Title by Donald Benson, short order scribe.

Rennie's From Heaven

Like a Christ who has dropped the long robe
He seems nice, with no prop anal probe
Is he ET messiah
Or DC pariah?
Like on ice, he can stop the whole globe.

David Cairns

The mysterious Klaatu (Michael Rennie) arrives in The Day the Earth Stood Still (Robert Wise; 1951).

Really, Really Auld Lang Syne

At this time to renew, something old
Something grimy, inhuman, and cold
Without peace, without joy,
It won't cease to annoy
Like a mime, only putrid with mold.

Lon Chaney Jr. tries to catch a cab out of The Mummy's Tomb (1942).

Klaatu's on First

 

A great saucer rotating through space
Gets to Washington, straight to first base
In a park, watched by many
Disembarks Michael Rennie
Like a boss he'll dictate to our race.

David Cairns

The ominous first appearance of Michael Rennie as Klaatu in The Day the Earth Stood Still (Robert Wise; 1951). Not the first title provided by Donald Benson.