Hula Boop

Betty shakes in a lei and grass skirt
Though she makes her hips sway, she's no flirt
But the louts that are eyein'
Her outfit Hawaiian
All do "takes" so outrageous, they hurt!

Surly Hack with Donald B. Benson

Betty Boop’s Bamboo Isle (Dave Fleischer, Shamus Culhane; 1932). Says the always humble Mr. Benson about accepting credit for adding the final rhymes, "Sure, but it was just a lucky line." Also the funniest.

Putting the Mean in Menial

As sidekick he's morbidly quirky
Besides, he's just horribly jerky
This bent over ghoul
Contentious and cruel,
Is decidedly morally murky.

Fritz (Dwight Frye) taunts the Monster (Boris Karloff) in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931). Dwight Frye-Day happens every week at LimerWrecks.

Sunset and Vain

On the screen, Norma's glamour would thrill
Showbiz queen learns that drama can kill
When she's violent to Holden
It ain't silent or golden
Final scene played as ham for DeMille.

David Cairns



Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson) vamps in the dramatic final sequence in Sunset Boulevard (Billy Wilder; 1950).

Gloria Swan-Song

 

Bill gets shacked up with Swanson and Stroheim
She's an actress from Von's long-ago prime
Bill's not thrilled with these roles
And gets filled full of holes
So he's whacked, and he's gone, now it's show-time!

David Cairns

Gloria Swanson is ready for her close-up in Sunset Boulevard (Billy Wilder; 1950).

Romancing the Crone

This writer who knows he's a dud
Still might earn repose as a stud.
The star, once adored,
Gives car, room and board.
But slight her, the crow's out for blood.

Surly Hack and Donald B. Benson

Gloria Swanson and William Holden in Sunset Boulevard (Billy Wilder; 1950).

Promotional Stuntman

This character clearly was scheming
To scare and to hear us all screaming
Quite simply, Bill Castle
At gimmicks was facile,
Our terror and fear left him beaming.

Director, producer, screenwriter, and actor William Castle (April 24, 1914 – May 31, 1977) in a promotional photo for his film 13 Ghosts (1960).

Stool Pigeon English

To relax, Bela swears by the boozing
But the fact is, he's wary of schmoozing
For his underlings laugh
At each blunder and gaffe
As his accent is very amusing.

Bela Lugosi makes a somewhat unlikely gangster in Black Friday (Arthur Lubin; 1940). Title by David Cairns, who hails from Scotland. David and I often find ourselves at odds over pronunciation, with our limericks adrift somewhere mid-Atlantic.

Inhuman Resources

None too bright, Fritz's goals aren't big
Cause a fright, play the troll, find a gig
Now he works for this doc
So the jerk's on the clock
And each night there's a hole he must dig.

Fritz (Dwight Frye) and Henry (Colin Clive) get to work in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931). Friday is Dwight Frye-Day here at LimerWrecks. Title by the ever-resourceful Donald B. Benson.

The Hack...and How to Net Him

Before it's too late, Joe, turn back!
Through that door lies a fate that's pure black
It'll lure you with cash
And you'll sure make a splash
But what horrors await in the sack!

"Hack" writer Joe Gillis (William Holden) stumbles upon the mansion of silent film star Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson) in Sunset Boulevard (Billy Wilder; 1950).

It's Stroheim, Folks!

Butler Max called the shots long ago
Silent black-and-white thoughts he would show
Now that muteness is traded
For beauty that's faded
Fade to black on besotted old pro.

David Cairns

Sunset Boulevard (Billy Wilder; 1950). Erich von Stroheim is Max Von Mayerling, former husband and director of, now devoted servant to silent film star Norma Desmond.   

Driving Miss Crazy

In that squat limousine, he's erect
The Isotta-Fraschini effect
He's her butler and go-fer
And nutty old chauffeur
Plus her shots on the screen he'll project.

David Cairns

Erich von Stroheim and Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard (Billy Wilder; 1950). Title by film-crazy Donald B. Benson.

High-Flogne Verse

When slapping your face with cologne
That flapping means you're not alogne.
Get ready for biting
Since each bat alighting
Is lapping your blood as you grogne.

Donald B. Benson

Béla Lugosi and Alan Baldwin in The Devil Bat (Jean Yarbrough; 1940). Lugosi breeds a deadly giant bat, and creates an after-shave lotion which attracts it.

Hardcore Stenography

Her employer can't keep his eyes off her
He'd destroy both his peepers to boff her
Is Betty in peril?
He's sweaty and feral
Though she's coy, what the creep boss will proffer!

David Cairns

Betty is chased around the office in Betty Boop's Big Boss (Dave Fleischer; 1933).

Fritz and Starts

Old Fritz had the nastiest shock
When the git got cast down with one knock
This hound with a hump
Hit the ground with a bump
Smashed to bits on the plaster-cast rock.

David Cairns

Dwight Frye is Fritz in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931). Dwight Frye-Day happens every week at LimerWrecks.

Stooge Fright

This triad of terror once towered
Till poor Bela's stardom had soured.
Later on, AIP
To revive the grim three
Made Vincent the trio's Shemp Howard.

Donald B. Benson



Top: Peter Lorre, Béla Lugosi, and Boris Karloff in You'll Find Out (David Butler; 1940). Above: Karloff, Lorre, and Vincent Price in The Raven (Roger Corman; 1963). AIP is American International Pictures, distributor of The Raven.

Good Friday?

This movie's so bitter and black,
The jolliest character's Jack.
On "Dragnet", that's him
All stoic and grim --
The sort who'd give Wilder a whack.

Donald B. Benson

Famous for playing Sgt. Joe Friday on Dragnet, Jack Webb is assistant director Artie Green in Billy Wilder's Sunset Boulevard (1950).

Bat Essence

The flittermouse scents the night air!
If you're skittish, or gentle, beware!
That whiff that you're soaked in
You'll get sniffed out and croaked in
If you're bit in this dental affair.

David Cairns

In The Devil Bat (Jean Yarbrough; 1940). Béla Lugosi breeds a deadly giant bat that is drawn to an after-shave lotion he has concocted. The victim here is Suzanne Kaaren.

Tales From the Kept

Here's a writer who's tied to a purse.
Not a fighter, his pride's none the worse.
But are feeds and the perks
Worth her needs and her quirks
Till the night the free ride turns perverse?

Surly Hack with Donald B. Benson

William Holden and Gloria Swanson take a drive down Sunset Boulevard (Billy Wilder; 1950).

Pen Pal

Says Olive, "I'm telling no fib.
I'm dead against sexual lib!"
She's guarding her pink well
So in Betty's inkwell
The sailor man's dipping his nib.

Donald B. Benson

Popeye the Sailor (Max Fleischer, Dave Fleischer;1933) was billed as a Betty Boop cartoon, but, Betty makes only a small appearance, with Popeye starring in his first animated appearance.

Cane Mutiny

This pipsqueak with cane is a scandal
Of crypts he's a dangerous vandal
Unruly and vile
Like a ghoul he'll defile
But slippery brains he'll mishandle.

Dwight Frye-Days celebrates actor Dwight Frye, here as Fritz in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931).

William Beholden

Life's not fair in this town, fortune cruel
Why not pair with a clownish old ghoul?
But ashamed to accept
By a dame you've been kept
You narrate face down in a pool.

Sunset Boulevard (Billy Wilder; 1950) is narrated by the floating corpse of failed screenwriter Joe Gillis (William Holden). From Wikipedia: "The original edit opened with a scene inside a morgue, with the assembled corpses discussing how they came to be there. The story began with the corpse of Joe Gillis recounting his murder to the others. The (preview) audience reacted with laughter and seemed unsure whether to view the rest of the film as drama or comedy." We're beholden to Donald B. Benson for the title.

A Walk on the Wilder Side

His ride in arrears, Joe's dead broke
His pride and career are a joke
With Norma he shacks
(Plus formal-wear Max)
Eyes wide in the drink he will soak.

Joe Gillis (William Holden), Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson), and Max Von Mayerling (Erich von Stroheim) form the perverse triangle in Billy Wilder's Sunset Boulevard (1950). Title by mild mannered wild man, Donald B. Benson.

The Bela Prompter

Can a corpse spin a yarn, tell a plot?
It seems warped, purest blarney, a blot
To perform exposition
Needs a warmer condition
If you're torpid you'll tarnish and rot.

David Cairns

Molly Lamont has been Scared to Death (Christy Cabanne; 1947), but narrates the story anyway. Bela Lugosi is top-billed. Title by always prompt Donald B. Benson.

The Talking Dead

This bod's lost the gift of the gab
Swear to God, it's a stiff on a slab
Turning blue, getting cold
It's all through growing old
So it's odd when it sits up to blab.

Molly Lamont is Scared to Death (Christy Cabanne; 1947), but still manages to narrate the story. And a dead narrator is the only thing this nonsense starring Bela Lugosi shares with Sunset Boulevard. Title by Donald B. Benson, feeling dead inside.

See Her Shorts at the Cinema

An evening of dinner and drink
Can be an investment (wink wink).
But to quickly recoup,
You should date Betty Boop:
To make her takes just pen and ink.

Donald B. Benson

Michael Bay Watch

No master of yore, he's 'today'
Much faster than boring cliché
All boisterous noise
The Joyce of teen boys
A blast! We adore MICHAEL BAY!!!