Donald Schmuck

That bilious flake Donald Trump
Turns villainous snake on the stump
Each word that he utters
A turd for the gutters
A millionaire taking a dump.

Piece on Earth

Some fools are completely fanatic
Each yule they send greetings thematic
Whether pistol or Uzi
(They're Christian, not choosy)
These ghouls all pack heat automatic.

Las Vegas Assemblywoman Michele Fiore posted this image on her Facebook page with the caption: “It's up to Americans to protect America." Merry Christmas, you maniacs!

Circus Maximillian

A courtesan's paid to look back
On amours she has laid in the sack
This circus-like show
Goes in circles of woe
Before it all fades back to black.

Director Max Ophüls is the ringmaster of his final film, Lola Montès (1955); Martine Carol stars as Lola. Thanks to The Late Show: The Late Films Blogathon host David Cairns, and his high-wire act at Shadowplay.

Seven Women on the Verge

A masterpiece, long thought a turkey
Ford's last sports a Mongol Mazurki
You'll explode with unease
Woody Strode plays Chinese
Two nasties gone wrong run berserki.

David Cairns



John Ford's final film is Seven Women (1966). Ann Bancroft helps missionary Sue Lyon (top) resist the advances of barbarian warlord Mike Mazurki and his cut-throat gang of warriors, one of whom is Woody Strode (above). The Late Show: The Late Films Blogathon runs all week at David Cairns' Shadowplay, celebrating late films by great filmmakers.

Cruddy Cruddy

Billy Wilder was ever-so witty
With a style that's both clever and gritty
But he made Buddy Buddy
Rather staid, fuddy-duddy
His reviled last endeavor, a pity.

David Cairns

Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau star in Billy Wilder's final film, Buddy Buddy (1981). The Late Show: The Late Films Blogathon runs all week at David Cairns' Shadowplay, celebrating late films by great filmmakers.

Pardon the tumbleweeds...

...we'll be back after we wrestle with a few personal, non-limerick related issues. Thank you for your patience.

Hare Restorer

He's mad, in the lunatic mold
Post-grad, Henchman U you're enrolled
Though deploring his habits
(Like restoring dead rabbits)
You're bad, and you do as you're told.



"Eminent biochemist" Stendahl (Otto Kruger) employs Moloch (Rondo Hatton) as his partner in crime in The Jungle Captive (Harold Young; 1945). And yes, Stendahl brings a dead rabbit back to life, with the assistance of Don Young (Phil Brown) and Ann Forester (Amelita Ward). Title by hare-brained David Cairns.

Gland Guignol

Head and hands blown up, face like a troll
'Cause a gland's going out of control
You seek Hollywood work
Feeling squalid, you lurk
And expand, growing into the role.

David Cairns

Rondo Hatton lumbers through The Jungle Captive (Harold Young; 1945). The actor suffered from acromegaly, a hormonal disorder caused by the pituitary gland, which results in excessive growth in the bones of the head, hands and feet.

Jack-in-the-Box Office

The hicks buy the tix not elites
And flicks filled with apes fill the seats
Your actress shows skin?
You're packing 'em in!
And fixed for some shapely receipts.



John Carradine and Acquanetta star in Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943), which was followed by the sequels Jungle Woman and The Jungle Captive.

The Origin of the Specious

It's a sequel so cheap it's the worst
As they cheekily replay the first
So each scene is a bore
We have been here before
We should all seek to be reimbursed.

David Cairns



Sultry Acquanetta returns as the Jungle Woman (Reginald Le Borg, 1944), a sequel spawned by Captive Wild Woman. The story told in flashback by Dr. Carl Fletcher (J. Carrol Naish), reusing footage from the previous film.

The Pituitary and the Pendulum

This maniac's great with a gland
With brains he's first rate, in demand
He cuts and transplants,
And nutso, he rants,
Explaining their date that he's planned.



John Carradine turns a gorilla into Acquanetta in Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943).

Carnival Crews

Is the killer a primate hirsute?
A thrill-crazy, violent brute?
Or the eye candy tease
On the flying trapeze?
Or some villainous guy in a suit?



The 3-D horror mystery Gorilla at Large (Harmon Jones; 1954) has a cast that includes Cameron Mitchell, Anne Bancroft, Lee J. Cobb, Raymond Burr and Lee Marvin. George Barrows plays the gorilla. Happy Halloween from the hairless apes at LimerWrecks!

Laverne and Burly

With yearning the guys stop and gape
Laverne is in eye-popping shape
Though she might be a floozy
She's uptight and plays choosy
When spurning Goliath the ape.



Anne Bancroft plays Trapeze artist Laverne Miller in Gorilla at Large (Harmon Jones; 1954), a 3-D horror mystery. George Barrows is the gorilla "Goliath".

A Gland Apart

Mad doctors are folks who play God
Wearing smocks they will poke, cut and prod
With their capable hands
They give apes human glands...
This one's rockin' a smokin' hot bod.



An endocrinologist turns an ape into a woman in Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943).  Cheela, the gorilla (Ray Corrigan), Dr. Sigmund Walters (John Carradine), his assistant, Miss Strand (Fay Helm), Dorothy Colman (Martha MacVicar, on the operating table), and "Paula Dupree" (Acquanetta), aka the Wild Woman. 

The Gorilla Can't Help It

True science this sicko perverts
When primate to chick he converts
The ape-girl, "Acqua-tic",
Is shapely, exotic
It's a crime she so quickly reverts. 



John Carradine unveils Acquanetta in Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943). Title by helpful David Cairns.

Gorilla My Dreams

A word about fair Acquanetta:
As she-ape no starlet was betta.
She turned Southwest matron
And cultural patron
But fanboys will never forgetta.

Donald B. Benson

 

Acquanetta as the Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943). In 1953 Acquanetta married and moved to Arizona, where she became a local celebrity.

Gorilla Interrupted

An ape gets the glands of a broad
Takes a shape that a man can applaud
The creation's a "ten"
A sensation with men
But wait--this male fantasy's flawed.



Acquanetta is the Captive Wild Woman (Edward Dmytryk; 1943). We're going ape in the Countdown to Halloween.

The Star Dispatched

On deadline they typeset a blurb
A headline, pure hype to disturb
One gorilla is real
One's a kill-crazy heel
Both ready to wipe out a burb

Well, even the "real" gorilla is a guy in a suit. The Gorilla (Allan Dwan; 1939) is a comedy horror film, and stars the Ritz Brothers, Anita Louise, Patsy Kelly, Lionel Atwill and Béla Lugosi.

Gorilla-Crush

A tropic malaise strikes R. Burr
Lycanthropic? It's raising some fur!
He's a brute straight from Hell
Monkey suit, XXL
In this flop pic his best line is "Grrr!"

David Cairns



Married to Barbara Payton, most men would go ape--even Raymond Burr turns simian in Bride of the Gorilla (1951).

Urban Gorilla

Though a shock, from the grave he's released
When a doc puts his brain in a beast
As a primate he wreaks
All the vengeance he seeks
'Cause in schlock one can't stay long deceased.

Yet another b-movie with a gangster's-brain-in-a-gorilla plot: Ellen Drew and friend in The Monster and the Girl (Stuart Heisler; 1941). Our title was transplanted from David Cairn's Shadowplay.

Make Way For Gemora

You'll find all us primates in cages  
Confined there, we fly into rages
It's then we great apes
From pens make escapes...  
And wind up decried on front pages. 

Charles Gemora plays Sultan, the ape in Phantom of the Rue Morgue (Roy Del Ruth; 1954). Male way for David Cairns, writer of clever titles.

Jungle Cling

He's spry and he's strong and he's hairy
And the primate is longing to marry
The lady resists him
But apes have a system
And apply ol' King Kong's "mash and carry."

"Sultan" the ape (Charles Gemora) carries off Jeanette (Patricia Medina) in Phantom of the Rue Morgue (Roy Del Ruth; 1954).

Belle Ringer

He'd mate with this mademoiselle,
But dating her doesn't go well
He's buff but no prince,
She's tough to convince,
And a cage at the zoo's a hard sell.

"Sultan", the ape (Charles Gemora) calls on Jeanette, the woman (Patricia Medina) in Phantom of the Rue Morgue (Roy Del Ruth; 1954). The Countdown to Halloween continues across the interwebs!

Model T & A

A sicko hits France where it hurts 
Skips victims in pants, slaughters skirts
In 3D and in color
--Your TV looks much duller--
This flick's so enhanced that blood spurts!



A violent murder in an artist's garret is committed by the Phantom of the Rue Morgue (Roy Del Ruth; 1954). LimerWrecks is just one of the many blogs joining in the Coundown to Halloween.

Just a Gorilla Who Can't Say No

Karl Malden makes ape kill his foes
We're appalled, jaws agape, at their throes
And its simian muscle
Wins each criminal tussle
It's enthralled by the shape of his nose.

David Cairns



Top: Steve Forrest, Karl Mauldin and Claude Dauphin in Phantom of the Rue Morgue (Roy Del Ruth; 1954). Above: Charles Gemora as "Sultan", the gorilla.

Bwana De Boulogne

In Paris, be gay if you please
But careful when playing the tease
A frightening beast
Just might be released--
This paramour hangs out in trees.



Top: Jeanette (Patricia Medina) touches "Sultan", the ape (Charles Gemora) in Phantom of the Rue Morgue (Roy Del Ruth; 1954). Title by David de Cairns, of Shadoplay.

The Sultan of Schwing

I stare through the bars at my sweetie
May I share my most ardent entreaty?
Are my feelings returned?
Through this steel, am I spurned?
'Cause I'm hairy, bizarre and quite meaty.

David Cairns

"Sultan" the ape (Charles Gemora) eyes a mademoiselle in Phantom of the Rue Morgue (Roy Del Ruth; 1954).

The Morgue the Merrier

For females a fiend has a bent
Police, to the scene, have been sent
This colorful show
Is culled from E. Poe
And screened in 3D, an event.

Gendarmes investigate a gruesome murder by the Phantom of the Rue Morgue (Roy Del Ruth; 1954).

Clue Morgue

In Paris, a violent scrape 
Left there, in the skylight a shape
What fury released!
A furry, mad beast?
This terrible guy has a ape.

Karl Malden stars in Phantom of the Rue Morgue (Roy Del Ruth; 1954).