Haus of Dracula?

On a trip he brings horrible vermin
Boards a ship where there's scores of 'em, squirmin'
First he hoists his long nails,
Then to Deutschland he sails,
For a sip of some gore from a German.



Max Shreck in Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror (F. W. Murnau, 1922), an unauthorized adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Ankh If You're Horny

While the Princess Ananka was cute,
The poor stiff with the ankh was made mute
They had tried to get married,
But alive he was buried...
Ever since he's been hot in pursuit.



The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg, 1944), starring Lon Chaney as the mummy, Ramsay Ames as Ananka, and John Carradine. 
Image source: doctormacro.com Title by crypt-creeper David Cairns.

Gloomy (Sarcopha) Gus

Since the days of the kings and the pharaohs
Kharis suffered the slings and the arrows
First his mate was denied him,
Then cruel fate had tongue-tied him--
That'll teach him for playing with Eros.

The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg, 1944) stars Ramsay Ames, John Carradine, and Lon Chaney as Kharis, the mummy.

Embalm in Gilead

With the princess, romance once ignited
Ever since, his advances are slighted
With her reincarnations
He's been seeking relations...
But it sits in his pants, unrequited.

In The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg, 1944), Lon Chaney is Kharis, the mummy, and Ramsay Ames is his ancient love, Princess Ananka. Thanks to David Cairns for raking the tana leaves.

Fez Dispenser

Kharis knows he's a priest from the fez
Is supposed to just do as he says
The guy covets his dame,
So old love will inflame,
And he throws him from here to Suez.



High priest Yousef Bey (John Carradine) and Kharis the mummy (Lon Chaney) both have the hots for the reincarnated Princess Ananka (Ramsay Ames), in The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg, 1944).

Pyramid Scheming

When you summon a mummy, be shrewd
Have a tumbler of tana leaves brewed
Pour the batch down his hatch
And your foes he'll dispatch...
But don't come near his honey, renewed.



The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg, 1944), with high priests George Zucco and John Carradine, and Lon Chaney as the mummy.

Stake Frittes

Count Drac was a dirty old rake,
With a thirst only virgins could slake
But the blood-sucking boss
Was a dud with a cross,
And what's worse, his aversion to stake.




Christopher Lee as Dracula, Melissa Stribling and Peter Cushing in Hammer's Horror of Dracula (1958). Cushing's Doctor Van Helsing drives a stake through this edition of Vampire Weekends.

Stakey Breaky Heart

After acts of debauch he was whipped,
And so back in his coffin he slipped
Thought he'd take a day's rest,
But a stake through his chest
And poor Dracula's offed in his crypt.

Kicking off Vampire Weekends, an image from Dracula's Daughter (Lambert Hillyer,1936). The film picks up where Dracula left off, but I assume this is a double for Bela Lugosi.

Mummy's the Word

He's as dry as the crispiest toast
Oh so quiet, as if he's a ghost
Cut the Mummy's tongue out,
And the dummy can't shout,
Nor reply with a witty riposte.



The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg, 1944). John Carradine is the high priest, Lon Chaney is the mummy, and Ramsay Ames is his reincarnated love, Princess Ananka. We silently thank David Cairns.

Of Human Bandage

With her gorgeousness knowing no peers,
He's adored her for thousands of years
Kharis mourned when she died,
Now reborn, she lies tied,
Stirring horniness long in arrears.

The mummy Kharis (lumbering Lon Chaney Jr.) pines for Princess Ananka (red hot Ramsay Ames), but so does high priest Yousef Bey (cadaverous John Carradine): The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg, 1944). Title by mummy's boy David Cairns.

Gauzed Gift to Women

While the princess Ananka was napping,
Creeping in came a monster in wrapping
Though it once was her beau
That was so long ago...
Ever since it's been windpipes a-snapping.



Regal Ramsay Ames was Princess Ananka in The Mummy's Ghost (Reginald Le Borg, 1944). Title by wrap artist David Cairns.

Special KKK

When my husband's been hitting the sauce
He gets buzzed and then shows me who's boss  
He's a redneck and slob,                               
But in bed makes me throb...
And who doesn't like burning a cross?



A joke. Storm Warning (Stuart Heisler, 1951) stars Ginger Rogers, and is an early and odd film for Doris Day, who is married to killer Klansman Steve Cochran.  Thanks to Will Pfeifer for the dvd.

Digital Projection

This old gem that was helmed by R. Florey,
Stars that émigré, M's Peter Lorre
And our memory lingers
On a hand with five fingers
That's dismembered, and hell-bent for quarry.

David Cairns and Surly Hack



Peter Lorre in The Beast with Five Fingers (Robert Florey, 1946).

Missing the Mark of the Vampire

These two horrors are not what they seem
They're no more than a rotten plot scheme
Each an actor, not vamp
But in fact, if you're damp,
Carroll Borland's so hot you might steam.


Bela Lugosi, and Carroll Borland in Mark of the Vampire (1935), Tod Browning's remake of his own London After Midnight (1927). Borland's eerie, pallid-faced vamp is a clear inspiration for Vampira and others that followed her, as well as a welcome sight on Vampire Weekends.

 

Nosferatu Barada Nikto

Don't make out with the actor called Shreck
From that mouth you'll attract quite a peck
With those fingers he'll claw,
And then, lingering, gnaw--
Soon the Kraut will have snacked on your neck.



The mysterious Max Schreck is Count Orlok, in F. W. Murnau's Nosferatu, an unauthorized adaptation of Bram Stoker's novel Dracula, made in Germany in 1922. Vampire Weekends can bite me.

I Yam What Khayyam

What would Vincent Price do in a harem?
Would he mince, and say "Boo!" and just scare 'em?
Or despoil goil by goil,
And then boil them in oil,
And for dinner on skewers prepare 'em?

Vincent Price is Omar Khayyám, the future writer of the Rubáiyát, in Son of Sinbad (Ted Tetzlaff, 1955). Here's an earlier limerick on the bawdy Son of Sinbad.

Injury to the Eyeline

At the camera everyone's staring
Sir and ma'am at the lens won't stop glaring
As a trick it was new,
But this "dick's-point-of-view"
Is a shambles, pretentious and wearing.



Audrey Totter, Tom Tully, Lloyd Nolan and Jayne Meadows look deeply into the Lady in the Lake (Robert Montgomery, 1947).  In the noir lexicon a 'dick' is a detective.  Here's our earlier takes on Lake.

The Big Peep

It's a damnably large private eye
On the lam it's more lard-ass than spry
Far too clumsy and slow,
As a gumshoe so-so...
When a cam'ra's the star, one asks why?

Audrey Totter and director and star Robert Montgomery, in his failed experiment in subjective camera, Lady in the Lake (1947). The camera literally takes Montgomery's point of view for the entire film.

Tom Ghoulery

When a doctor restarts a dead monkey
It's a shock to his smart aleck flunky
Then the gas he inhales
Send his ass off the rails
And he's stocking fresh hearts as a junkie.


A lab assistant (David Bruce) inhales an "ancient Mayan nerve gas" and becomes The Mad Ghoul (1943), a sort of zombie that needs the fluids from human hearts to survive. Yum!

To Have and Have Knott

Both the captain and nitwit agree,
As two chaps they're a bit out to sea
The poor sap became chummy
With his slap-happy rummy
When he yapped he was "bit by Aunt Bee."

Humphrey Bogart and Don Knotts, in a photo mash-up of Mayberry and To Have and Have Not, created by our own Norm Knott. Knotts to you, Norm.

Souse of Dracula

These two strains of the Dracula line
Were insanely o'er-fond of the vine
If John had a tipple
Then Lon would have triple
Both said "nay" to "I never drink...wine."

David Cairns



Dracula and Son: John Carradine in House of Frankenstein (Erle C. Kenton, 1944), and Lon Chaney in Son of Dracula (Robert Siodmak 1943). Vampire Weekends is having a Bloody Mary.

Pall in the Saddle

Disinterred, this conniving old perv
Treats the world as his private preserve
When the lout goes out stalking
Body outlines they're chalking,
And your girlfriend's his lively hors-d'oeurve.



John Carradine is the title vampire in the western-monster genre mash-up, Billy the Kid vs. Dracula (William Beaudine, 1966). It's high and dry noon at Vampire Weekends.

Sex Marks the Spot

She's a helluva hot-to-trot honey
Makes the fellas see spots and feel funny
Yes, she's looking for love
But when push comes to shove,
She will sell out the lot for the money.


Anna Dundee (Yvonne DeCarlo) wraps the men around her little finger in Criss Cross. Here's an earlier limerick about De Carlo.

Holdup Lowdown

He was stuck on a honey-tongued minx
Drove a truck full of money, like Brinks
Pulled a heist from inside,
But the price was his hide
The dumb cluck was undone by a jinx.



Burt Lancaster ends up with Yvonne DeCarlo in Criss Cross (Robert Siodmak, 1949).

Oil Riot on the Western Front

With a foe who's an oil baron's goon,
It's a showdown to spoil your high noon
There's no law, so the Swede
Is drawing a bead,
And will throw at his foil a harpoon.



Sterling Hayden stars in Terror in a Texas Town (1958), the last feature directed by the great Joseph H. Lewis. This fabulous gonzo western is showing in Chicago tonight at the Portage Theater.  

Postscript: Here's my review of the film.