The Wreckalogue

Because nothing says Christmas quite like murder and mayhem, for your holiday enjoyment we present this epic in rhyme by David Cairns on the "ten plagues" of The Abominable Dr. Phibes.

STUNG IN CHEEK

When Doc Thornton is offed, it's off-screen
As his torment don't warrant a scene
A big swarm of bees
Saves on Equity fees
It's a horrible death, but unseen.


BAT? SHIT! CRAZY! 

This surgeon's a talented cutter
And he certainly isn't a nutter
He seems mentally healthy
There's no bats in his belfry
But his bedroom's completely a-flutter.


SKULL'S OUT 



If you moan that the party is dull, you
May find that the host will annul you
Your frog mask is wind-up
Your brains it will grind up
And probably fracture your skull too.




FROG'S HEAD REVISITED



The inexorable tick-tock, tick-tock
Like the works of a grandfather clock

The clinking of cogs
Causes shrinking of frog
And subsequent crushing of doc. 

BLED AND BUTLER 



With his tooth-gap and cigarette holder,
TT feels a tap on his shoulder
Dr Phibes has restrained him
And punctured and drained him
Until he's much paler and colder.

*TT = Terry Thomas



ICY KILL



With his features immobile as wax
Dr Phibes plans ignoble attacks
His next victim gets frigid,
He's frozen quite rigid
Don't move him about or he'll crack.

SCREECH FOR THE SKY



When you pilot your solo one-seater
You don't expect rodent man-eaters
Though you're certain you locked it
There's rats in your cockpit
Now you're flying to meet with St Peter.




IMPALE RIDER 



Doc Whitcombe don't look too elated
At the way that his chest's been fixated
He won't ever fall
'Cause he's screwed to the wall
By a unicorn horn penetrated.


SWARM WELCOME 



Call an ambulance, maybe a hearse

Dr Phibes' latest curse hits a nurse
His attention is focused
On directing the locusts
You could scoop up what's left in her purse.


THE SON ALSO DEMISES 



Dr Phibes couldn't get much more rotten
He's a medico quite misbegotten
With his custom Rolls Royce
And his phonograph voice
He threatens the son of Joe Cotten.


GRAVEHEART 



As Price shuffles off to be damned
With his wife in a casket he's crammed
And as he's embalming
He finds it quite calming
To bask in how madly he's hammed.

The last "plague of darkness" the bad doctor saved for himself. Vincent Price is The Abominable Dr. Phibes (Robert Fuest, 1971). The Vincentennial will return for its big finish in January. Image source: Head Injury Theater Images © 1971 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved