Fly Hard With a Vengeance

Like some slow-witted, inbred sub-cretin,
by the lowliest insect I'm beaten
I'd fly straight away
but it isn't my day
I'll know it the instant I'm eaten

I've had nothing but bad to worse luck
First a bug in my lab ran amok
Now my head is so tiny
when I yell I sound whiny
By a rock I'm about to be struck



Herbert Marshall and Vincent Price have had enough of these damn limericks about The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958).

The Meet With No Name

Of suspects there's more than a few
Enough that they'd form a long queue
There's turban wrapped rats,
and girls who pack gats
to rub out poor pitiful Lou



Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff (Charles Barton, 1949), certainly one of the most ungainly of film titles. It's airing tonight on Svengoolie. Image source: Brian's Drive-in Theater; Doctor Macro's Movie Scans

Jailhouse Doc

He's alone in his personal cell
Like a stone that's been thrown down a well
One arm holds the key
to setting him free
from his own little circle of hell


Barry Morse has David Janssen where he wants him in The Fugitive. Escape each and every week on Fugitive Fridays. Image source: Richard Kimble, the Fugitive.

Easy on the Flies

Not knowing the lab was infested,
my homemade transporter I tested
Now my head's on a fly,
I'm expecting to die
any moment, by spider, ingested

Vincent Price and Charles Herbert in The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958).

Me, Myself and Fly

With science my troubles began
I'm a fly that's mixed up with a man
Or a man with a fly--
I'm not sure which is "I"--
or just why I eat lunch in the can

The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958).

Fly-sore

With The Fly and my role I'm not thrilled
Father time is the sole thing I've killed
My patience expiring,
my agent I'm firing
It's a crime that I'm only third-billed

Well whaddya know? Vincent Price finally makes another appearance in his own centennial tribute. The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958).

Do You Take this Mandible?

My husband once thrilled me with lust
In the buff now I'm filled with disgust
Plus he sticks to the ceiling
which just isn't appealing--
He's a bug, it's been hard to adjust

With our therapist we have discussed
that our marriage is gathering dust
Yes, "For better, for worse",
but the sex is perverse
when my hair by a pincer is mussed



Patricia Owens is stuck with The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958).

Fly Papered

Her hubby has typed her a note
She clutches and tightens her throat
The grammar's so bad
he has to be mad
He's buggy, and that's all she wrote



Patricia Owens in The Fly. You were expecting Gone With The Wind?

The Brain Mutiny

The monster when freed starts complaining
his noggin's in need of re-braining
Says Ygor, "Use mine,
I need a new spine!
Besides, it will be entertaining!"



Lon Chaney Jr., Sir Cedric Hardwicke and Bela Lugosi in The Ghost of Frankenstein (Erle C. Kenton, 1942), airing tonight on Svengoolie on Me-TV. Here's a link to "Playing a Hunch-back", our previous limerick on this, the fourth Frankenstein film from Universal . Image source: This Island Rod

Wanted: In Bed and Alive

This drifter sees plenty of action
He's hitcher as roadside attraction
But if too many chicks
on Route 66
give him lifts he could end up in traction



Angie Dickinson, Suzanne Pleshette, Tuesday Weld and Brenda Scott are just a few of the many actresses who can't seem to get enough of David Janssen as The Fugitive. Fugitive Fridays is getting frisky.

Bored of the Flies

Of limericks minus invention,
I've written too many to mention
With rhymes on a pest
I'm nigh on obsessed,
at risk of a fly intervention

Patricia Owens has had enough of my limericks on The Fly, and she wonders if we'll ever get back to Vincent Price. The answer is yes. And soon.

A Bug's Wife

He once was a hunk who'd deliver
A husband whose touch made me quiver
In a GQ tuxedo
he would tweak my libido
Now he buzzes and just makes me shiver



David Hedison and Patricia Owens in The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958). Thanks to David Cairns for the bug-eyed title.

Oh What a Tangled Webisode

A man and an insect were blended,
with a consequence most unintended:
A film-crazy goof
wrote a limerick spoof
which rambled and still hasn't ended

Patricia Owens dozes off while reading my limericks on The Fly.

Squish Fulfillment

The lover she'd known he is not
With a bug he has thrown in his lot
When he chooses to end
his human-fly blend
her hubby lies prone for a swat



Al (David) Hedison and Patricia Owens meet the press in The Fly.

Scare Fare

In matters of diet and taste
his appetite's highly debased
His thrice daily courses
are likely from sources
that gastronomes find are a waste

The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958) will stop buzzing soon--I promise! We'll be moving on to other, non-insectoid films in our Vincent Price centennial. At least until we feature Price in Return of the Fly.

The Skin Visible Man

He prances around in the nude
Such antics must sound a bit lewd
But he stays out of sight
through the day and all night,
if perchance he encounters a prude

Vincent Price is heard but not seen in The Invisible Man Returns (Joe May, 1940), returning tonight to Svengoolie on Me-TV. That's Alan Napier (butler Alfred to TV's Batman) on the left in the lobby card--in which the more transparent than invisible man is clearly wearing a suit! What are they trying to do--ruin my gag? And thanks to disappearing D. Cairns for clearing up the title.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Gals He Sees

For casual, fly-by-night fun,
the gals like this guy on the run
They think he's a catch
and no strings will attach
Four acts and it's over and done



A rare romantic interlude on Fugitive Fridays. David Janssen and Lois Nettleton in the episode "Man on a String" (Sidney Lumet, 1964). Each episode of the show was divided into four 'acts' and an 'epilog'. Image source: Richard Kimble, The Fugitive.

The Guy in the Ointment

I married a wonderful guy,
to have and to hold till we die
But of late he has changed
and as mates we're estranged
If he cared he would button his fly



Patricia Owens is bugged by hubby Al (David) Hedison in The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958). Image source: Wrong side of the Art.

Last Night I Dreamt of Mandibles

As a boy I had dreams I could fly
where I'd soar on a breeze through the sky
But now that I'm grown
all such fancies have flown
There's no joy in my green insect eye

Patricia Owens gazes into the eyes of The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958). Image source: DVD Beaver. Our 100th year anniversary tribute to the films of Vincent Price continues...apparently with or without Vincent Price! Thanks to David Cairns for dreaming up the title. Okay, film buffs, that title is a play on a famous opening line from what novel and film of the same name? And what is the actual line?

Risky Buzz-ness

With greatness this scientist brushed
So straight in his chamber he rushed
A throw of the switch
But, d'oh! There's a glitch
And his dreams of success are all crushed



Scientist Andre Delambre (David Hedison) gets depressed in The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958). Image source: Monster Movie Music. The title was reintegrated by David Cairns.

Fly-dentity Crisis

My old body will never be whole
I sip brandy and milk from a bowl
Mind starting to slip,
I'm losing my grip,
as I battle a fly for my soul

David Hedison contemplates breakfast in The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958).

Sci-Fly

The scientist tries to play God
He pries where no other has trod
But would he rethink
his push to the brink
if a fly had his head on its bod?



Al Hedison contemplates changing his name to David in The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958). Image source: Wrong Side of the Art

Fur From the Madding Crowd

Are we meant to be kept in a pen?
Merely pets that play fetch now and then?
Are we mongrels and curs?
Or Mesdames et Messieurs?
The question is, "Are we not men?"



Svengoolie ventures to the Island of the Lost Souls (Erle C. Kenton, 1932). Tune in tonight on Me-TV. Image source: Doctor Macro.

Nightmare Alley Cat

In a nightmare the fugitive's trapped
in the sights of pursuer who's snapped
One shot from his gun
and he'll not have to run,
or sit tight in the chair and get zapped



Barry Morse takes aim at David Janssen on Fugitive Fridays. Image source: Richard Kimball The Fugitive.

Fly-Caper

A man and an insect were crossed,
their molecules jumbled and tossed
This specious new species
will feed on your feces
and all of your neighbors accost

The Fly (Kurt Neumann, 1958). Thanks to David Cairns for sticking me with the title. And speaking of the talented and prolific Mr. Cairns, he has a column each Thursday on The Daily Notebook. It's called The Forgotten, and, like everything else he writes on film, it's pretty terrific.