Fright Christmas

No pardon, parole and no bail,
her husband just broke out of jail
She's in for rough sledding,
for home he is heading,
to drown her in bowl of wassail

Gene Kelly and Deanna Durbin star in Christmas Holiday (Robert Siodmak, 1944).

Wedlock and Key

She finds that he's rotten inside
and from him she's trying to hide
She changes her name,
but finds all the same,
to her criminal husband she's tied



Deanna Durbin and Gene Kelly miss the bliss in the deceptively titled Christmas Holiday (Robert Siodmak, 1944). Welcome to Christmas Crimes, the film noir part of our seasonal counter-programming here at Limerwrecks.

Something Mad About the Joy

Her holiday's filled with unease
It's chilled by his mental disease
Gene Kelly don't tap,
prefers shooting crap
or bringing his girl to her knees

David Cairns

Gene Kelly and Deanna Durbin spend a sinister Christmas Holiday (1944), director Robert Siodmak's noir take on a story by Somerset Maugham. For more winter chills, be sure to visit David Cairn's film blog, Shadowplay.

Inter Laughing

Please don't take this query in jest
I'd like to eternally rest
I wouldn't impose,
but do you suppose,
you'd shovel some dirt on my chest?

Take My Life...Please

Please honor my final request
I'm more than a little depressed
At living I tire
I'd like to expire
I trust I'm not being a pest



It's not Mr. One-Liner Henny Youngman, but lawyer Raymond Burr who defends Angela Lansbury in Please Murder Me (Peter Godfrey, 1956). You'll find our previous limerick on the same film, here.

Pal of the Lonesome Pine

At home in the cacti and pine
was sidekick named Andy Devine
His voice like a joke
a high, squeaky croak
combined with a nasally whine



Sidekick sublime Andy Devine specialized in Westerns, appearing in almost 400 hundreds films. Devine starred in comic books (above), had his own television show, Andy's Gang, and played the jovial "Jingles" to Guy Madison's Wild Bill Hickock (below) for seven seasons.

Devine Intervention

In tropical pools she went wading
On parapets proudly parading
In one desert flick
she almost got sick
from Andy Devine's serenading



"Dominican Dynamite" Maria Montez was serenaded by Andy Devine on his his ukulele in Raiders of the Desert (1941). For more photos of the inimitable La Montez, visit her fansite, here.

Bombshell on the Halfshell

Perusing an undersea dish
one chooses the freshest of fish
The flesh should be pink
and not raise a stink
This catch of the day looks delish

Model unknown; Image source: Starlet Showcase. I know, I'm going to politically incorrect hell.

The Old Shell Dame

Like shellfish too long from the sea
she smells a bit fishy to me
Her saltwater scent
assaults a poor gent
I'll ice her, and asap

Maria Montez and husband Jean-Pierre Aumont in Siren of Atlantis (1949).

Ron Santo, R.I.P.

They called Ernie Banks "Mister Cub"

but Santo could sure be his sub

He bled Cubbie Blue

(They never came through)

For Ronnie, ah, that was the rub

Camp Champ

A charmer of men and of snakes
Maria sure had what it takes
A tropical vamp,
this countess of camp
when taking a bath hit the brakes



Known as the Caribbean Cyclone, actress Maria Montez drowned in her bathtub in France at age 39. The star of many florid costume adventure films (none more over-the-top than Cobra Woman), Montez was dubbed the Queen of Technicolor. Said the diva, "When I see myself on the screen, I am so beautiful, I jump for joy." Above: Poster and publicity still for Cobra Woman (Robert Siodmak, 1944); Below: With husband Jean-Pierre Aumont in Wicked City/Hans le Marin (Francois Villiers 1949).

The Full Montez

"Exotic" Maria Montez
Her men wear a turban or fez
Does jungle queen shtick
With accent so thick
That nobody knows what she says.


Dominican-born actress Maria Montez as the Siren of Atlantis (1949), Scheherazade in Arabian Nights (1942), and as an imperious Cleopatra. Image source: Shadowplay; Doctor Macro; Scarlet Showcase. There's more Montez here.

Omission Accomplished

No stealing election from Gore
No lying to enter the war
No corporate greed
to mar a good read
It's shelved under "fiction" in store