The Pest Years of Our Lives

 

They're growing enormous in size
They ogle with horrible eyes
Tarantula! Ants!
Does Man stand a chance?
I know! Let's transform into flies!  

Top: Tarantula (Jack Arnold; 1955); Above: The Fly (Kurt Neumann; 1958).

Bite Torrent

Them pinch middles tightly--such grips!
Squeeze inches from right off your hips!
Them draw you in close
To gnaw you...it's gross! 
A clinch with Them's nightmarish lips!

James Whitmore has had enough of Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954). Title by David Cairns, who is certainly no Tory.

AdvANTS!

Man cowered in fright from attack!
Devoured as light insect snack! 
Our best are deployed
The pests look annoyed
Now our guys are biting THEM back!

The army brings it to THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Never Say Formicidae

Beware of these six-legged freaks!
They'll snare you, snick-snick, with their beaks!
Their mandibles hew you
Like candy they'll chew you
One tear, you'll spring sickening leaks!

David Cairns

The real stars of Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954) are the giant ants.

Ant Agonism

Them's giants are mauling our dames!
Defy Them's appalling ant-aims!
Too meek to destroy Them
You seek to annoy Them
But why bother calling Them names?

Edmund Gwenn hurls insults at Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954). Title by David Cairns agonistes.

Ant's Tomb

Don't let Them's six feet in your yard!
To better defeat Them--bombard!
Shoot, smash, gas and burn Them
To ashes you'll turn Them
Don't sweat it, just heat Them till charred!

James Whitmore sets fire to Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Ant Misbehavin'

These buggers are gruesome and icky
They're ugly, and ooze something sticky
Their pincers will squeeze
You'll wince and you'll wheeze
Their hugs leave a bruise like no hickey.

James Whitmore battles Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Anty Maim

"Life's a banquet!" we've been told it's true
Here's what rankles: the dinner is you
First they squish up your guts
Then you're dished as cold cuts
Drive a tank and you're tinned food for two.

David Cairns

James Whitmore takes one for the team in Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954); with Joan Weldon and James Arness.

Insectually Active

Those rude and yet keen might deduce
That this brood's insect queen must be loose
Where others grow dizzy
This mother gets busy
And dude, how these things reproduce!

Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954) is giant ants.

A Little Bite Music

Beware of that eerie ant-sound!
Prepare--what appears will astound!
These bugs are not docile
They're ugly, colossal
And terribly near--turn around!

Joan Weldon is about to meet Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954). From Wikipedia: The sounds the giant ants emit in the film were the calls of bird-voiced tree frogs mixed in with the calls of several birds.

A Child Shall Feed Them!

Yes, Them are supposed to be small
But Them sometimes grows big and tall
See, Them will defeat us
For Them like to eat us
And Them will dispose of us all.

James Whitmore tries to comfort traumatized Sandy Descher and in THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Anty-Pasta

Them hunger, seek something to eat
Your young make the yummiest treat
No teeny insect, Them
DDT won't affect Them
So run--if you stumble, you're meat.

Sandy Descher and James Whitmore in THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

On Fire Ants

This truly big game has mutated
It grew out of frame, and has waited
In spite of its size
The mighty ant dies
Consumed by the flames, immolated.

Giant, irradiated ants are THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Sisterhood of the Traveling Ants

In storm drains their queen is pupating
Now dormant, serenely she's waiting
But hem in that mom
And Them born-by-bomb
Will swarm till the screen needs X-rating.

David Cairns

The army confronts THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Man and Super Ant

When you nuke an ant's nest expect trouble
By some fluke they're infesting the rubble
Grown massive in size
With big faceted eyes
Grab bazooka and kill, on the double!

David Cairns

James Whitmore fights back in THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Whitmore or Less

Huge insects that skitter...appalling!
Your skin, like these critters, is crawling!
As chow some folks eat them
But how to defeat them?
You'll win when James Whitmore starts brawling!

James Whitmore uses a submachine gun, bazooka, and flamethrower against THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Ants-er Me This

What the atom bomb cleanses will die
We get splattered, defenseless we fry
But give ants radiation
By some chance dispensation
They grow fat; Edmund Gwenn can't say why.

David Cairns

James Whitmore and Edmund Gwenn in Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Pro and D-Con

In tunnels they've dug in to stay!
We're done if these bugs have their way!
On people they're feeding
Down deep they've been breeding
There's hundreds, so - ugh! - time to spray!

Surly Hack with David Cairns


Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954). Title by the D-lightful James Finn Garner.

To Lav or Lav Not

The bugaboos scared the kids snotless
So theater loos were soon totless
Who'd lower their pants
Near so many ants?
Their fear made them choose to go lot less.

Donald B. Benson

The iconic, bloodcurdling scream of little Sandy Descher heralds the arrival of THEM! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

May the Best Mandibles Win

Edmund Gwenn was quite keen on ecology
With a yen for routine entomology
Once enraptured by ants
Now he's crapped in his pants
So he renders the queen an apology.

David Cairns

Edmund Gwenn and James Whitmore in Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954).

Pronoun Trouble

 

THEM'S brittle, enormous, hard-working
A chitinous swarm, never shirking
When they're hit by the fall-out
These critters go all-out
Just like IT in the storm drains they're lurking.

David Cairns

Them! (Gordon Douglas; 1954) stars James Whitmore, Edmund Gwenn, Joan Weldon, and James Arness.