Leave It to Cleavage

The bosoms are heaving at Hammer
Where floozies of feverish glamor
Run around all bare-breasted
Ungowned and full-chested
Enthusing the skeevy, who clamor.

David Cairns



Ingrid Pitt and Kate O'Mara in The Vampire Lovers (Roy Ward Baker; 1970). Title left by Donald B. Benson.

Vampire Brat

There's two, that's one's good, this one's bad
And woo hoo! She's quite lewd, barely clad
But the brat bites your throat
And then that's all she wrote
You're all through getting screwed--you've been had!

David Cairns with Surly Hack



Real life identical twins Mary and Madeleine Collinson star in Twins of Evil (John Hough, 1971).

Identical Crisis

Seems dudes find bare skin most inviting
Half-nude, nubile twins? How exciting!
When sisters both strip
Resistance is zip
It's lewd, but the finish is biting.



Mary and Madeleine Collinson are identical Twins of Evil (John Hough, 1971). One's good, one's a vampire.

Undead Ringers

Identical down to their toes
Each sister's a fine Maltese rose
Adroitly, their glamour's
Exploited by Hammer
Though tending to overexpose.

David Cairns



Maltese identicals Mary and Madeleine Collinson are the Twins of Evil (John Hough; 1971), the third film of Hammer's Karnstein Trilogy, based on the vampire tale Carmilla by Sheridan Le Fanu.

Brainwashout

He's a blockhead, a hateful wee wart
Whom the doc will berate or exhort
He's a germ-ridden grouch
With a permanent crouch
And a walking-stick greatly too short.

David Cairns

Fritz (Dwight Frye) is startled in Frankenstein James Whale; 1931).

Voyage to the Bottom of Chris Lee

In The Lord of the Rings Lee's a smash
Strikes a chord playing things that act rash
As a ghoul he's true boo
Like his cool Fu Manchu
He'd have scored playing Ming versus Flash.

Christopher Lee as Saruman in The Lord of the Rings trilogy (Peter Jackson; 2001–2003).

Guess Who's Yummy For Dinner?

Drac was given obscene final rites
Yet still "lives" on cuisine he eats nights
And each virginal dish
Finds his urges delish
As they quiver, he leans in and bites.

 

Christopher Lee and Veronica Carlson in Dracula Has Risen From the Grave  (Freddie Francis; 1968).

The Mummy's Cursed

Once more you're the thing, what a shock
The gore you must fling, heads you'll knock
These heavies won't end
Dear heaven, forfend!
What a bore is this string of pure schlock.

 

Christopher Lee is The Mummy (Terrence Fisher; 1959). Yvonne Furneaux is Isobel Banning / Princess Ananka. The film derives its plot and characters entirely from two 1940s Universal films, The Mummy's Hand and The Mummy's Tomb, with the climax borrowed directly from The Mummy's Ghost. Title via the cursor of David Cairns. (Info via Wikipedia)

Babe-Hound of the Baskervilles

He ought to seek clues to unmask her.
She's hot, so he won't think to ask her.
Someday, but for others,
He'll play both Holmes brothers
And not just a horny young Basker.

Donald B. Benson



Christopher Lee (Sir Henry Baskerville) gets cozy with Marla Landi (Cecile Stapleton) in The Hound of the Baskervilles (Terence Fisher; 1959). Lee played Mycroft Holmes in The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes and Sherlock Holmes in Sherlock Holmes and the Deadly Necklace.

Fritz Delimit!

This Fritz isn't bad with a knife

The ditz has known madness and strife

This monster abuser

From the onset, a loser

Lives a pitiful, sad little life

Fritz (Dwight Frye) climbs the gallows in Frankenstein (James Whale, 1931).

Full of Hound and Furry

He bays in the night something awful
Drives you crazy with fright, it's unlawful
After dark please don't hike
Or he'll bark then bite like
An Arabian bites a falafel.

David Cairns

Beware The Hound of the Baskervilles (Terence Fisher; 1959).

Bow-Wowdlerized

With Peter as Sherlock it's gripping
He's heated and surly, quite ripping
Though the plot he must foil's
Mostly not Conan Doyle's
It's replete with a cur that's been nipping.

David Cairns

Peter Cushing is Sherlock Holmes in the Hammer Films production of The Hound of the Baskervilles (Terence Fisher; 1959).

Moors the Pity

Walk the moor through the thickets and fog

You'll endure pits of quicksand and bog

And traversing the mire

Mutter curses, perspire...

Just be sure you're not licked by the dog.

Christopher Lee as Sir Henry Baskerville, and André Morell as Doctor Watson in The Hound of the Baskervilles (Terence Fisher; 1959).

The Baskerville Verse

Old Baskerville slipped out to meet
A trick who had promised a treat.
Poor fellow then found
One hell of a hound...
Call 221B Baker Street!

Donald B. Benson

André Morell as Doctor Watson and Peter Cushing as Sherlock Holmes investigate The Hound of the Baskervilles (Terence Fisher; 1959).

Working the Thing Shift

When making a monster at crunch time
No breaks, no such nonsense as lunchtime
There's bodies to nab,
Odd jobs at the lab...
Mistakes? Just move on, ‘cause it’s hunch-time!

Hunchback Fritz (Dwight Frye) is given instructions by Henry (Colin Clive) in Frankenstein (James Whale, 1931). Title and assist by shifty Donald B. Benson.

Call Of Duty-Free

A scarecrow that's got human eyes!
And mares that all trot in disguise!
Grim brute and strange creatures
Are fruit of a preacher's
Not caring a jot for excise.

Donald B. Benson



Parson Peter Cushing secretly leads a band of smugglers in Captain Clegg aka Night Creatures (Terence Fisher; 1962). The scarecrow hid the smugglers’ lookout. The smugglers would disguise themselves -- and their horses -- as skeletons, far less convincingly than the posters suggest.

Marsh Fellows

He's cunning, the Reverend Bliss.
Rum runner who locals don't hiss.
He isn't a Syn,
For Disney'd cut in
And done his own version of this.

Donald B. Benson

Peter Cushing in Night Creatures aka Captain Clegg (Peter Graham Scott; 1962). From Donald Benson: "Dr. Syn, the smuggling vicar, was revived by both Hammer (Night Creatures) and Disney (The Scarecrow of Romney Marsh). After legal sparring Hammer renamed its hero Bliss (but oddly kept other character names) and left the colorful alter ego to Disney; Night Creatures is a much different and much darker tale next to Disney's iconic do-gooder."

Go to Helsing

There's no slaking Drac's deep, bloody lust
But don't wake him -- get people you trust
Prof Van Helsing's the champ
At repelling the vamp
With one stake, the old creep turns to dust.



Peter Cushing is Professor Abraham Van Helsing, and Christopher Lee is the Count, in Dracula, aka Horror Of Dracula (Terence Fisher; 1958).

Gaunt But Not Forgotten

Van Helsing has cheekbones galore
On hellspawn he'll sneak up and gore
He's still looking chiseled
As blood's spilled and drizzled
Like Jell-O it leaks on the floor.

David Cairns



Peter Cushing played Doctor Abraham Van Helsing in five Hammer Dracula films. Here he is with Carol Marsh in the first, Dracula, aka Horror Of Dracula (Terence Fisher; 1958).

Fritz Complicated

If you sent this great lout for a brain
Lacking sense to come out of the rain
The organ he'll grab
From the morgue won't be fab
It's quite mental, no doubt, and insane.

David Cairns

Fritz (Dwight Frye) steals the wrong brain in Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931).

Gorgon Droner

From the Greek you might think it high-toned
You will shriek, wish this stink was postponed
When her hair starts to wriggle
First you'll stare, then you'll giggle
When she speaks, with a wink, "Let's get stoned!"

Peter Cushing shrinks from the sight of The Gorgon (Terence Fisher; 1964), Prudence Hyman. Thanks to LimerWreckers David Cairns and Donald Benson for the assist.

Medusa-Friendly

She's a lady with snakes in her hair
They're man-made and quite fake, but have care!
When you're seized by her glance
You will freeze in your stance
I'm afraid your mistake was to stare.

David Cairns

The Gorgon (Terence Fisher; 1964) is an effective updating of the Greek myth as Hammer horror film, but the sfx are its weakest link. Prudence Hyman plays the Gorgon, though Barbara Shelley plays her human form.

Gorgon-Zola

When projected, this flick is uneasy
It's defective and sickly and queasy
The show that's depicted
Is boa-constricted
The effect doesn't click, 'cause it's cheesy.

David Cairns

The Gorgon (Terence Fisher; 1964) is an effective updating of the Greek myth as Hammer horror film, but the sfx are its weakest link. Prudence Hyman plays the Gorgon, though Barbara Shelley plays her human form.