Limerwrecks

Substandard Poodle

2012-01-31T04:13:00.000-06:00

Don't screw with the trouper named Ed
Or this dude whom you booed wants you dead
Puttin' paid to your bitchin'
He's invadin' your kitchen,
Where your poodles as food you're force-fed.

Vincent Price and Diana Rigg give Robert Morley a mouthful in Theatre of Blood. A tip of the pork pie hat to D Cairns for the assist.

More and Morley

2012-01-30T04:01:00.000-06:00

Have pity on poor Robert Morley
He was feeling quite peckish and poorly
Then ingested a feast
Of man's best friend and beast
Now he's reeling and really feels sorely.

Vincent Price and Robert Morley in Theatre of Blood.

Unjust Deserts

2012-01-29T04:33:00.000-06:00

Bob Morley is poofy and gay
And a florid and goofy gourmet
He adores his toy poodles
Even more than his strudels
But abhors horrid poochie soufflé.

Robert Morley as flamboyant theater critic Meridith Merridew, with slightly less flamboyant chef Vincent Price in Theatre of Blood. Image source: Cool Ass Cinema. I trust that you're happy, panavia999.

Dog Dude

2012-01-28T04:14:00.000-06:00

This gent is a foodie, old bean
With a bent for the poodles that's keen
But he finds no appeal
When they grind his last meal
And his pets and his palette convene.

Robert Morley portrays flamboyant theater critic Meridith Merridew in Theatre of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973).

Hand in Handcuffs

2012-01-27T04:32:00.000-06:00

Kimble sits with his guard, ill at ease
It's the pits, but Gerard has the keys
As his prison cell nears
Through the window he peers,
And a stygian darkness he sees.

Richard Kimble ponders his fate as he looks at the world for the last time, and sees only...Fugitive Fridays.

Curtain Cull

2012-01-26T04:30:00.000-06:00

David Cairns of Shadowplay does it again. Here's his take on the Shakespearean murders (and seven deadly sins) in Theatre of Blood.

DAMN YOUR IDES!

Beware March's terrible ides!
When man with machete collides!
This officious old geezer
Meets a fate worse than Caesar
When the meths-heads expose his insides!

SHAKE SPEAR IN LUVVY

His enemy casts him as Hector
Impaled on a spiky projector
Too late for remorse
He's dragged by a horse
Till nothing remains but his spectre.

THE DONOR PARTY

Edward's schemes are a bold work of art
His critics, deceased, all depart
Rewriting the bard
He leaves this one scarred
With a pound of flesh taken - his heart.

WINE OWN EXECUTIONER

He's snoozy and boozy and fat
We'll drown the old sot in a vat
Like Richard the Third
We can flip him the bird
Let's see the sod get out of that.

DEADLY MOOR

He's an outwardly affable fellow
But as jealous within as Othello
When his nerves get a jangling
He swerves straight to strangling
While his poor Mrs quivers like Jell-O.

SAWN-OFF A BITCH

To lacerate, burn, bake or throttle?
Or hack with a saw at his wattle?
He'll be safely dispatched
With his noggin detached
And adorning his colleague's milk bottle.

DOG DISH

Morley's passion's for Gallic cuisine
So Vince fashions a TV show scene
The round dude'll die
On ground poodle pie
Being mashed into stomach and spleen.

CORAL GRIEF

Now Coral will curl up and die
In the hairdresser's chair she will fry.
For Ed it's a lark
To replay Joan of Arc
She'll be fried crispy Browne by and by.

EYE OFF-ER

Ed's answered his critics' vile jibes
In the manner of sick Dr Phibes
The last on his roster
He's cast Duke of Gloucester
And his eyes will be pricked by hot knives.

Vincent Price and Diana Rigg gleefully slaughter the London critics circle in Theatre of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973). The critics: Michael Hordern, Dennis Price, Harry Andrews, Robert Coote, Jack Hawkins and wife Diana Dors, Arthur Lowe, Robert Morley, Coral Browne (soon to be the third Mrs. Price), and Ian Hendry. Bravo!

Lion-Heart Attack

2012-01-25T05:00:00.000-06:00

Ed gave all he had to his art
He sank himself into each part
When critics ignored him
He slit and he gored 'em
His favorite bit was the heart.

In Theatre of Blood, Vincent Price is actor Edward Lionheart, here playing Shylock in a murderous Merchant of Venice. With Harry Andrews and Diana Rigg.

Spear of Influence

2012-01-24T05:00:00.001-06:00

He had worked at perfecting his craft
And was irked when they heckled and laughed
But each critical cut
In a snit he'll rebut
When the jerks get the literal shaft.

Drama critic Dennis Price gets the point in Theater of Blood.

Sabre Prattling

2012-01-23T04:30:00.001-06:00

His ambition was trodding the boards
Not the critical nods and awards
But creative ambition
Will crave recognition
So the swishy old sod's crossing swords.

Popular art vs.critical snobbery: Vincent Price and Ian Hendry duel in Theatre of Blood.

Review to a Kill

2012-01-22T04:30:00.000-06:00

The seven most deadly of sins
Scares these critics clean out of their skins
With the actor they chided
Their asses collided
And the vengeful tragedian wins.

Surly Hack and David Cairns

The critics mourn one of their own in Theatre of Blood. Top: Robert Morley and his poodles, Ian Hendry, Madeline Smith, Harry Andrews and Coral Browne; Above: Robert Coote, Arthur Lowe and Andrews. Each of the Shakespeare-derived murders enacted in the film correspond to one of the seven deadly sins.

Critical Sass

2012-01-21T04:50:00.000-06:00

Their reviews were all worse than he feared
They booed and they cursed and they jeered
But the pans set the stage
For his fanciful rage
When his cruel retribution premiered.

Vincent Price is an actor bent on revenge in Theater of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973).

All-Over-the-Map Quest

2012-01-20T04:00:00.000-06:00

I've pursued him all over the map
He's eluded my every trap
Though he's shown that he's clever
He won't last forever
The fugitive won't beat the rap.

Lt.Gerard (Barry Morse) gets a long leash from his superior at the Stafford Indiana police department, Captain Carpenter (Paul Birch, top left). We're wondering where it will all end on Fugitive Fridays.

Once Bitten, Twice Shylock

2012-01-19T05:00:00.000-06:00

Though his Shylock's a hook-nosed old geezer
He's a tried and true audience pleaser
When a critic was cruel
This Semitic old ghoul
Simply pried out his heart with a tweezer.

In Theater of Blood, Vincent Price plays an actor out for...um, blood.

Funny Title Deleted

2012-01-18T09:59:00.001-06:00

Why no photo to go with this rhyme?
I oppose a proposed free speech "crime"
Don't let Feds interfere
Keep the web free and clear
Just say NO! to the corporate slime.

Help stop SOPA, the proposed Stop Internet Piracy Act and its Senate counterpart, PIPA, the Protect IP Act. Proponents claim these acts will allow the Justice Department to prosecute internet piracy and the theft of intellectual property. Sounds good, right? While we support protection of copyright in principle, we feel the legislation as written is potentially dangerous to the freedoms we currently enjoy on the internet. It will serve corporate interests at the expense of the rest of us. Let's give them time to write a better bill. Please contact your representative, or you can learn more here, and here.
If we speak up now we can stop this.

The Third Man-iac

2012-01-18T04:30:00.000-06:00

The critics were sorry they'd heard
His villainous Richard the Third
But Vince has a hunch
This critical bunch
Will prefer it to being interred.

Vincent Price devours the role of a lifetime in Theatre of Blood.

Julius Caesar Salad

2012-01-17T04:30:00.001-06:00

Reacting to critical nays
An actor will sift through the plays
And take from each story
A fate that is gory
To practice his craft as he slays.

Vincent Price performs in a Theatre of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1971).

Actor's Inequity

2012-01-16T04:43:00.000-06:00

The theatre critics had scoffed
They decreed his renditions were soft
Said his take on the bard
Had been laden with lard
Ed will see all those idiots offed!

Vincent Price plays Shakespearean actor Edward Kendall Sheridan Lionheart -- to the hilt -- in Theatre of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973).

The Merchant of Menace

2012-01-15T05:16:00.000-06:00

Perusing the evening news
He fumes at the sneering reviews
This ham will enact
A vengeful last act
And it won't be the scen'ry he chews.

He's had it with hearing their boos,
Now he's come to the end of his fuse
His vengeance dramatic
Makes Vincent ecstatic
And a fearsome revenge play ensues.

David Cairns

Vincent Price and Diana Rigg (in drag) in Theater of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973).

Out, Damned Spotlight!

2012-01-14T04:30:00.000-06:00

Overwrought having lost an award
He's distraught and goes out of his gourd
They found him ho-hum?
He'll astound all those scum!
With their slaughter they ought not be bored.

As actor Edward Lionheart, Vincent Price goes Shakespearean on his critics in Theater of Blood (Douglas Hickox, 1973).

Road Show Business

2012-01-13T04:30:00.000-06:00

When sentenced he goes on the run
But the tension has only begun
For the cop giving chase
He's a constant disgrace,
So he's enemy numero one.

Dr Richard Kimble (David Janssen) nears the end of the road on Fugitive Fridays. Any Fugitive fans lurking out there in the dark?

So-So Evil

2012-01-12T05:30:00.001-06:00

Ray of Death

From the gallows he ought to be strung
But this lad has a silvery tongue
He's all bad, with no heart
But a talent for art
Like his canvas, the cad should be hung.

David Cairns

Not So Hot Toddy

As a mission'ry lacking position
This cold fish hits the sack with faux "Titian"
Before you cry "criminy"
She slips you antimony
And you're finished and packed for perdition.

David Cairns

So Evil My Love (Lewis Allen, 1948). A great gaslight noir melodrama with Ray Milland as a failed artist and successful cad, luring missionary's widow Ann Todd to murder. Antimony is a metallic element used as a poison. -- David Cairns

Phil 'er Up

2012-01-11T05:30:00.000-06:00

On the trail of the Brasher Doubloon

You're assailed by all manner of goon
Who dared to purloin

That rare golden coin?
Is that frail who looks smashing a loon?

You clutch her, get up in her grill
But your touching her just makes her ill
She plays it too cute
Plus she's crazy to boot
So much so, I'd update your will.

Rarely shown, The Brasher Doubloon is screening tonight at the Portage Theater in Chicago.
George Montgomery makes a hunky Philip Marlowe, with Nancy Guild in The Brasher Doubloon (John Brahm, 1947). Fred MacMurray, Victor Mature and Dana Andrews had all been considered for Marlowe in this adaptation of Raymond Chandler's The High Window (In fact, it's a remake of an earlier adaptation, Time to Kill). It's a shame Andrews didn't get the part. You'll find our earlier rhyme on the film, here.

Never fear, fright fans, our Vincentennial will resume on Saturday.

Pharoah Foul

2012-01-10T04:29:00.000-06:00

While seeking the Fountain of Youth,
He's trailed by some villains uncouth
Before he gets watered
He has them all slaughtered
Except for the flatfooted sleuth.

David Cairns

Vincent Price (Dr. Phibes), Valli Kemp (Vulnavia), John Cater (Superintendent Waverly) and Peter Jeffrey (Inspector Trout) in Dr. Phibes Rises Again (Robert Fuest, 1972). Our Vincentennial will resume on Saturday. Image source: Behind the Couch; Arrebato Demencial.

The Pun Also Rises

2012-01-09T05:00:00.000-06:00

It's early this Phibes fellow rises
To murder the guys he despises
And he gets ev'ry worm
To sweat, strain and squirm
When they learn their surprising demises.

Vincent Price, John Cater, Robert Quarry, and Peter Jeffrey in Dr. Phibes Rises Again (Robert Fuest, 1972). Images © Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved.

The Purple Prose of Cairo

2012-01-08T05:04:00.000-06:00

This crepuscular crypt is Egyptian
There's a strange hieroglyphic inscription
Amid sculptures pharonic
A voice, soft, sardonic
Reads an ancient alchemic prescription.

So he hunts for the fountain of life
As he punts down the stream with his wife
To imbibe an elixir
That for her is a fixer
And for Phibes is a surcease of strife.

David Cairns

Valli Kemp and Vincent Price in Doctor Phibes Rises Again! (Robert Fuest, 1972). Image © 1971 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved

The Plague's the Thing

2012-01-07T04:30:00.000-06:00

In vengeance he'll giddily slay,
Each ending a different way
In this killing technique --
Call it "biblical chic" --
One senses a kiddie at play.

Vincent Price is The Abominable Dr. Phibes (Fuest, 1971). Title by David "Old Testament" Cairns. Phibes rises again tomorrow.

A Little Night Movement

2012-01-06T04:30:00.000-06:00

The fugitive drifts through the night
He moonlights at interstate flight
Is it early or late?

Should he scurry or wait?
Pretty soon he will slip out of sight.

Richard Kimble drinks a lot of coffee on Fugitive Fridays.

Help Wanted: Dead or Alive

2012-01-05T04:00:00.000-06:00

For behavior both shifty and twisted,
Vulnavia's gifts he'd enlisted
When a victim he'd slay
(In some sick sort of way)
She, with craven indiff'rence, assisted.

Virginia North is Vulnavia, lovely mute accomplice to murderous Vincent Price, The Abominable Dr. Phibes (Robert Fuest, 1971). Images © 1971 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved

Decco Chamber

2012-01-04T04:30:00.000-06:00

This decadent, fun-loving pair
Has a mechanized, underground lair
She's a ravishing flapper,
He's dashing and dapper --
With a neck-hole as MP3 player.

Surly Hack and David Cairns

Virginia North is Vulnavia, Vincent Price is The Abominable Dr. Phibes (Fuest, 1971). Horribly scarred in a fire, Phibes' face was immobilized. He ate and spoke through a hole in his neck.

Bereft to His Own Devices

2012-01-03T04:30:00.000-06:00

Inventive and stylishly dressed,
With vengeance Doc Phibes is obsessed
Not quick execution,
But trick retribution
Rube Goldberg was highly impressed.

Vincent Price is The Abominable Dr. Phibes (Robert Fuest, 1971).

Good Phibe-brations

2012-01-02T04:30:00.001-06:00

He's the scream fan's most favorite scourge
And his theme is a flavorful dirge
A funereal ditty,
Played both scary and pretty,
While he schemes so depravedly to purge.

Vincent Price is that horrible, adorable organist, The Abominable Dr. Phibes (Fuest, 1971). The Vincentennial -- and Dr. Phibes -- returns!

Film Boire

2012-01-01T04:30:00.001-06:00

To the bottom each bottle he drank
Thus besotted and blotto, he sank
So bloodshot and blind
He'd muddled his mind
And by cops he was dropped in the tank.

Happy Hangover Day from all of us at Limerwrecks! Dan Duryea hits the bottle hard in Black Angel (Roy William Neill, 1946), based on a novel by Cornell Woolrich. Woolrich was the master of morning after noir, and Duryea was the best alky film noir ever had. "Boire" is a French verb meaning "to drink". Merci to David Cairns for the title.

Cold Acquaintance

2011-12-31T06:00:00.000-06:00

He's been thinking of taking the cure
Cause his drinking can make things obscure
While soaking in sherry
Did he choke his canary?
He's so stinking he wakes up unsure.

Think of this as a cautionary tale for New Year's Eve. Dan Duryea in Black Angel (Roy William Neill, 1946). With a little help and a title from old sot David Cairns. To watch a montage of Duryea going on a bender, go here and scroll down to the bottom of the page. Or see the whole movie on YouTube, here. Happy New Year, boozehounds!

Unhappy Hour

2011-12-30T04:30:00.003-06:00

The fugitive's tilting a beer

To a fruitful and guilt-free new year
To his signal pursuit
Of a big one-armed brute

And a future that's hillbilly clear.

David Janssen is crowded by yokels Frank Sutton, John Davis Chandler and Hugh Sanders in The Fugitive. Belly up to the bar on Fugitive Fridays.

One Falsetto Move

2011-12-29T04:30:00.000-06:00

Some stinker decided to throttle
A singer -- she died croaking glottal
The law first suspects
Her songwriting ex,
Slowly sinking inside of a bottle.

In Black Angel (Roy William Neill, 1946), Dan Duryea is Martin Blair, an alcoholic songwriter whose wife has just been silenced. The spine of the plot is a nifty mystery by Cornell Woolrich, but this is also the adaptation that best captures that noir author's doomed romanticism. Title by Norm Knott, aka "The Velvet Frog".

Double D-Day

2011-12-28T04:44:00.000-06:00

What more can one hope for or pray
Than a flick starring Dan Duryea
As snake, schmoe or cad,
Dan makes you feel glad
You went to the movies that day.

Dan Duryea never quite got his due, but here at Limerwrecks we can never get enough of his distinctive nasal tone and his sneering, sniveling and loose limbed, easy manner. Top: Fritz Lang's Scarlet Street; Above: Duryea gives Yvonne DeCarlo the once-over in Robert Siodmak's Criss Cross (from A Certain Cinema); Below: June Vincent and Duryea on the set of Roy William Neill's Black Angel.

Last Mileage

2011-12-27T04:30:00.000-06:00

He swears his accusers are lying
But the squares in the jury ain't buying
By fate he's been hemmed
By the state he's condemned
In the chair Johnny soon will be frying.

Dan Duryea walks the last mile in Fritz Lang's Scarlet Street (1945).

Bind Justice

2011-12-26T04:30:00.000-06:00

That he's innocent Johnny will swear
It's the truth but he hasn't a prayer
No jury acquits
In a movie by Fritz
And the pimp will get his in the chair.

Though innocent of the murder, Dan Duryea's Johnny Prince goes to the electric chair in Fritz Lang's 1945 noir, Scarlet Street.

Rated X-Mas

2011-12-25T04:16:00.000-06:00

It's Christmas, and under the tree
The gift he would love ain't "pc"
For comfort and joy
You know he'd enjoy
Unzipping the young Janet Leigh.

In Holiday Affair (Don Hartman, 1949), Robert Mitchum wants to get Janet Leigh under the mistletoe -- or anywhere else for that matter. Here's wishing all of you your very own Bob or Janet to unwrap. A very merry Christmas from all of us at Limerwrecks!

The Wreckalogue

2011-12-24T04:30:00.000-06:00

Because nothing says Christmas quite like murder and mayhem, for your holiday enjoyment we present this epic in rhyme by David Cairns on the "ten plagues" of The Abominable Dr. Phibes.

STUNG IN CHEEK

When Doc Thornton is offed, it's off-screen
As his torment don't warrant a scene
A big swarm of bees
Saves on Equity fees
It's a horrible death, but unseen.

BAT? SHIT! CRAZY!

This surgeon's a talented cutter
And he certainly isn't a nutter
He seems mentally healthy
There's no bats in his belfry
But his bedroom's completely a-flutter.

SKULL'S OUT

If you moan that the party is dull, you
May find that the host will annul you
Your frog mask is wind-up
Your brains it will grind up
And probably fracture your skull too.

FROG'S HEAD REVISITED

The inexorable tick-tock, tick-tock
Like the works of a grandfather clock

The clinking of cogs
Causes shrinking of frog
And subsequent crushing of doc.

BLED AND BUTLER

With his tooth-gap and cigarette holder,
TT feels a tap on his shoulder
Dr Phibes has restrained him
And punctured and drained him
Until he's much paler and colder.

*TT = Terry Thomas

ICY KILL

With his features immobile as wax
Dr Phibes plans ignoble attacks
His next victim gets frigid,
He's frozen quite rigid
Don't move him about or he'll crack.

SCREECH FOR THE SKY

When you pilot your solo one-seater
You don't expect rodent man-eaters
Though you're certain you locked it
There's rats in your cockpit
Now you're flying to meet with St Peter.

IMPALE RIDER

Doc Whitcombe don't look too elated
At the way that his chest's been fixated
He won't ever fall
'Cause he's screwed to the wall
By a unicorn horn penetrated.

SWARM WELCOME

Call an ambulance, maybe a hearse

Dr Phibes' latest curse hits a nurse
His attention is focused
On directing the locusts
You could scoop up what's left in her purse.

THE SON ALSO DEMISES

Dr Phibes couldn't get much more rotten
He's a medico quite misbegotten
With his custom Rolls Royce
And his phonograph voice
He threatens the son of Joe Cotten.

GRAVEHEART

As Price shuffles off to be damned
With his wife in a casket he's crammed
And as he's embalming
He finds it quite calming
To bask in how madly he's hammed.

The last "plague of darkness" the bad doctor saved for himself. Vincent Price is The Abominable Dr. Phibes (Robert Fuest, 1971). The Vincentennial will return for its big finish in January. Image source: Head Injury Theater Images © 1971 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved

Captivity Scene

2011-12-23T04:30:00.002-06:00

Kimble's wish-list is numbered at three:
A convicted one-armed amputee,
His name to be cleared
and Gerard to be jeered
For this Christmas he wants to be free.

Happy holidays from all of us at Limerwrecks, wishing all of you the most festive of Fugitive Fridays.

Revenge of the Pith

2011-12-22T04:30:00.000-06:00

With Vulnavia lending a hand
The ol' knave finds that vengeance is grand
Roundabout and poetic
And without anesthetic,
He will savor the endings he's planned.

Virginia North is Vulnavia, mute assistant to Vincent Price, The Abominable Dr. Phibes (Robert Fuest, 1971). Image source: IMDb. Stills © 1971 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved

Doctor, You've Got to be Killing

2011-12-21T03:59:00.000-06:00

The end of his Mrs unhinges
And sends him to visit the fringes
Where he styles a vendetta
With a silent brunette, a
Mad vengeance with biblical tinges.

His hatred's for medical men
He slays them again and again
With beasts, boils and bats,
Plus locusts and rats,
The plagues that he visits are ten.

Eight physicians whose skills didn't save
His late Mrs he kills in a wave
To that add a nurse
And the last, final curse
Will be his as he chills in his grave.

Vincent Price is The Abominable Dr. Phibes (Robert Fuest, 1971). That's a photo of Caroline Munro as Mrs. Victoria Phibes. Images © 1971 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved

Vengeance is Fine

2011-12-20T02:38:00.000-06:00

The plagues of the old Jewish tribes
Are just what this doctor prescribes
With his face like a skull
All his foes he will cull
That abominable doc Anton Phibes.

David Cairns

Vincent Price is The Abominable Dr. Phibes (Robert Fuest, 1971). Image source: IMDb. Movie still © 1971 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved

That Sinister Purge

2011-12-19T04:13:00.000-06:00

This sinister torturer presses
Each "witch" till by force she confesses
Any errors he'll make
He'll burn at the stake
So his slip-ups get scored as successes.

Vincent Price is cold, cruel and not at all not campy as the Witchfinder General (Michael Reeves, 1968). Image source: vincentprice.org.

As the Worm Burns

2011-12-18T04:54:00.000-06:00

His stance against witches is firm
He's happiest watching them squirm
This grim horror show
Has no hint of the Poe
And no chance of a conqueror worm.

David Cairns

Vincent Price in Witchfinder General, aka The Conqueror Worm (1968). In an attempt to cash in on the earlier and highly successful Price Poe films, the alternate title -- and the poem by Edgar Allan Poe -- was slapped on for American distribution. Image source: vincentprice.org.

Sepulchre Face

2011-12-17T04:07:00.000-06:00

When the strange Mr. Fell had remarried
He strained from the baggage he carried
To wed can be daunting
With dead wives a-haunting,
And a pain when one doesn't stay buried.

Vincent Price is Verden Fell, haunted by his first wife Ligeia, in The Tomb of Ligeia (Roger Corman, 1965). This was the last of eight Poe adaptations by Corman. Title by David "Joker Face" Cairns. Image source: That Obscure Hollow.

Shady on a Train

2011-12-16T04:13:00.000-06:00

In the darkness his face is reflected
Until noir spins a fate unexpected
William Conrad has spoken
And though hand-cuffs are broken
To Gerard he'll be staying connected.

"Richard Kimble ponders his fate as he looks at the world for the last time, and sees only darkness. But in that darkness, fate moves its huge hand." Fate, or Fugitive Fridays.

Death's Door Prize

2011-12-15T04:43:00.000-06:00

Though the plague to his doorstep had spread

His own Satanist orgy he'd led
There this skunk who liked watching
Such drunken debauching
Found he hated the horror of red.

Vincent Price and Jane Asher in Masque of the Red Death (Roger Corman, 1964).

Never Say Diabolism

2011-12-14T04:16:00.000-06:00

When his date starts to spin on a pole
Then his fête's just beginning to roll
Such deplorable revelry
Makes adorable devilry,
And to Satan this Prince gave his soul.

Vincent Price and Jane Asher in Masque of the Red Death. Image source: Can't Stop the Movies. Title by devil-may-care David Cairns.

Invitation to the Danse Macabre

2011-12-13T04:03:00.000-06:00

I'm throwing this special soirée
There's a show, and a hellish buffet
Please r.s.v.p.
Me a.s.a.p.
If you don't, there's the Devil to pay.

Vincent Price and Patrick Magee in Masque of the Red Death (1964).

Bored to (Red) Death

2011-12-12T04:30:00.000-06:00

An ape's set aflame by a troll!
Is my gala way out of control?
No, the decadent floor show
(Half-nekkid and more so)
I'd say's rather tame, on the whole.

Yet the bash is a riot of sin
And my castle is wild with the din
An orgy contiguous
With morals ambiguous...
Like some hash-house in Weimar Berlin.

Patrick Magee and Vincent Price enjoy the Masque of the Red Death (Roger Corman, 1964). Image source: Dial V for Vintage.

Gorillas in Their Midst

2011-12-11T04:21:00.000-06:00

You can dress as an ape and make hay
Chasing babes all across the parquet
But if you're ignited
By that midget you slighted
You're our next pyrotechnic display.

David Cairns

That's one way to keep warm in December. Skip Martin plays the vengeful midget "Hop-Toad" in Masque of the Red Death (Roger Corman, 1964). Image source: Chilling Scenes of Dreadful Villainy.

Black and White and Red Death All Over

2011-12-10T04:30:00.000-06:00

The third of my rooms-in-a-row
Is as pure as the new driven snow
Though it's fun to contrast
With the one that comes last,
I wouldn't just scoot to and fro.

All the chambers are vividly hued
Like a rainbow they'll lift any mood
This last one excluded
It's black and secluded
And most dames who go in leave unglued.

As they enter they're taken aback
Coming next is a panic attack
When they suddenly find
All the colors combined
Are as black as Lord Satan's own crack.

Vincent Price gives Jane Asher the fifty-cent tour in Masque of the Red Death (Roger Corman, 1964).

Throw Drama From the Train

2011-12-09T04:17:00.000-06:00

They're no strangers who meet on a train
Their two fates have been linked by a chain

Why they silently stare

As they ride to the chair
The narration will need to explain.

"Destination: Death Row, state prison. Richard Kimble has been tried and convicted for the murder of his wife. But laws are made by men, carried out by men. And men are imperfect. Richard Kimble is innocent." The Fugitive starred David Janssen, Barry Morse, and the perfectly cast voice of William Conrad. Perhaps the producers recalled Conrad's melancholy introduction to the Gunsmoke radio program. Fate's huge hand moves on Fugitive Fridays.

Purple Reign

2011-12-08T04:32:00.000-06:00

While his subjects get less and must ration,
For this royal excess is the fashion
"These rainbow interiors,"
He explains to inferiors,
"Best express my most decadent passion."

First the yellow, then comes the purple chamber. Vincent Price lords it over Patrick Magee, Hazel Court and Jane Asher in Roger Corman's Masque of the Red Death. Image source: Dial V for Vintage.

I Am Furious (Yellow)

2011-12-07T05:05:00.000-06:00

I guess it was pretty darn rotten o' me
To jail you in yellow monotony
Now each shade of blond is
A symptom of jaundice
And you're tempted to try self-lobotomy.

David Cairns

Colorful Prince Prospero drives prisoners mad in his "yellow chamber". Vincent Price, with Jane Asher in Masque of the Red Death (Roger Corman, 1964). Image source: Shadowplay, where David has an appreciation of the film.

Little Red Corvid

2011-12-06T04:09:00.000-06:00

The raven's a fav'rite of Poe
Corman crams it in every show
With a merciless peck
It rips open her neck
That'll teach Hazel Court to eat crow.

David Cairns

Raven, falcon, crow, whatever -- in Masque of the Red Death, Hazel Court finds dating Vincent Price is for the birds. Image source: Temple of Schlock, which features an interview with Court.

Green Glow the Rushes

2011-12-05T03:52:00.000-06:00

The exceeding game Hazel Court
Was a scream-queen grand dame and good sport
Green-lighted in panic,
In a rite quite Satanic
With demons she came to cavort.

To please evil Prince Prospero (Vincent Price), Juliana (Hazel Court) offers herself to Satan in Masque of the Red Death (Roger Corman, 1964). Title by green-around-the-gills David Cairns.

The Fall of the 'Hose of Asher

2011-12-04T04:21:00.000-06:00

On a date this inveterate flirter
Simply hates not to get to pervert her
Though a prince, he's a slimeball
So just give him some time, ya'll
And to Satan I'll bet he'll convert her.

Vincent Price and Jane Asher in Masque of the Red Death (Roger Corman, 1964). Title by devilish David Cairns.

Better Red than Dead

2011-12-03T04:31:00.000-06:00

Price's Prospero can't abide scarlet,
But has hots for a red-headed starlet
With Asher or Court
He'll gladly consort
One's quite proper, one's Satan's own harlot.

David Cairns

Vincent Price as Satanist Prince Prospero, Jane Asher and Hazel Court in The Masque of the Red Death (Roger Corman, 1964). David Cairns remembers Hazel Court at Shadowplay.

Fate's Attorney

2011-12-02T04:30:00.000-06:00

The case had been flimsy at best
But the State against Kimble had pressed
Demanding his life
For that of his wife
Their haste to convict did the rest.

David Janssen is prosecuted by Bernard Kates on Fugitive Fridays. Image source: Richard Kimble The Fugitive. Next: Uncle Vinnie!

Salivation Army

2011-12-01T04:49:00.000-06:00

Often cast as a clammy grave robber
He's the master of hammy macabre

For this ghoul who's disturbed

His fans' drool can't be curbed
For the ghastly they clamor and slobber.

Our chronological tribute to Vincent Price has crawled from the grave once again. We're celebrating the 100th anniversary of the actor's birth, or "Vincenntial." When we left off at the end of October, we had just started on Masque of the Red Death, which is where we'll resume day after next. "Salivation Army" comes from a mini-comic cover that Joe Zabel drew for me back in 1986, though the term has appeared elsewhere. The image is from Pit and the Pendulum.

No Out About It

2011-11-30T04:00:00.000-06:00

Though the plot has to play itself out
The outcome is never in doubt
His movies are certain
Of doom at the curtain
Fritz Lang was a gloomy old kraut.

We hope you've enjoyed our visit to the films of the master of German Expressionism, Fritz Lang. Top: Dana Andrews frames himself for murder in Lang's Beyond a Reasonable Doubt (1956); Above: Herr director clowns around with a few friends.
And while we're in a funereal mood, Limerwrecks member Norm Knott (aka Jim Siergey) shares a few thoughts on his own final scene.

Trial Scoffer

2011-11-29T05:00:00.000-06:00

To prove executions may err
A ruse gets him queued for the chair
But the system he tricked
In a twist has him licked,
And the truth is it's moot why he's there.

Crusading newspaper publisher Sidney Blackmer suggests Dana Andrews frame himself for murder in Fritz Lang's Beyond a Reasonable Doubt (1956). It was the director's last American film.

Angry Young Man-iac

2011-11-28T05:31:00.000-06:00

When eyeing the feminine form
The psycho inside him gets warm
Then in bedroom and bath
Vents his oedipal wrath
All prior to Mama Bate's Norm.

John Barrymore Jr. as the "Lipstick Killer" in While the City Sleeps (Fritz Lang, 1956). With Virginia Mayo.

Tabloid Freud

2011-11-27T05:14:00.000-06:00

To uncover just why he ignites

Ask mother this mamma's boy writes
The Press stop their presses
When necks he compresses
'Cause in bloodshed the press corps delights.

The media cynically exploits John Barrymore Jr.'s pathetic serial killer in Fritz Lang's While the City Sleeps (1956).

Sleeps' Sickness

2011-11-26T04:05:00.000-06:00

In lipstick a killer's been scrawling
Through gutters reporters are crawling
His crazed strangulations
Have raised circulations
But which commits sins more appalling?

The cynical media exploits a serial killer in Fritz Lang's While the City Sleeps (1956).

Sentenced to Dye-Job

2011-11-25T04:00:00.000-06:00

Though the evidence simply was lacking
The deck they'd been busily stacking
When the jury decided
On a verdict one-sided
To the Death House Dick Kimble's sent packing

William Newell sentences David Janssen to execution by Fugitive Fridays. Image source: Richard Kimble The Fugitive.

Rotten-to-the-Press Corps

2011-11-24T04:10:00.000-06:00

The newsroom is crawling with snakes
A crew of appalling old rakes
They favor a story
Salacious and gory
And for scoops screw whoever it takes.

Ida Lupino, Dana Andrews, Vincent Price, George Sanders and Thomas Mitchell in Fritz Lang's While the City Sleeps (1956).

Male Pattern Scalding

2011-11-23T05:05:00.000-06:00

By scalding hot coffee she's scarred
Her beauty indelibly marred
Poor Gloria Grahame's
A hot-headed da'ame
Lee Marvin's a total b'stard.

David Cairns

The Big Heat (Fritz Lang, 1953). David Cairns spills the beans at Shadowplay.

Little Boy Bluebeard

2011-11-22T04:55:00.000-06:00

This couple is growing estranged
The trouble is Romeo's changed
He builds recreations
Of killer locations

Yes, hubby's a yo-yo, deranged.

Newlywed Michael Redgrave creeps out bride Joan Bennett with his Secret Beyond the Door (Fritz Lang, 1947). Sort of a mash-up of Rebecca and the Bluebeard tale, this might be the most visually dense and subtle film from Hollywood's Freudian fling in the 1940s. I said visually subtle. Image source: As Cool as a Fruitstand.

A Room with a Boo

2011-11-21T04:40:00.000-06:00

Left alone in his horrible home
Wife Joan would through corridors roam
The most frightening space
In this nightmarish place?
In its owner's unfortunate dome.

Joan Bennett seeks the Secret Beyond the Door ( Fritz Lang, 1947). Image source: The Daily Notebook.

Unhinged Beyond the Door

2011-11-20T04:44:00.000-06:00

Did he marry his Mrs. for dough?
Since they paired she's suspicious it's so
There's a wing of weird rooms

Where a mystery looms
And she's scared it's a murderer's row.

Joan Bennett and Michael Redgrave share a Secret Beyond the Door (Fritz Lang, 1947). Image source: The Daily Notebook. Can't get enough Lang? There's more here.

Secret Beyond the Door Prize

2011-11-19T04:14:00.000-06:00

Her new husband has something he's hiding
On this subject their marriage is riding
His mansion is roomy
Plus clammy and gloomy
It's a nuthouse in which they're residing.

Joan Bennett and Michael Redgrave share a Secret Beyond the Door (Fritz Lang, 1947). Image source: The Daily Notebook.

Teed Off-icer

2011-11-18T04:02:00.000-06:00

He's been freed and it's made me upset
Through their deeds he's evaded the net
Like some little lost whelp
Richard Kimble gets help
When these bleeding hearts aid and abet.

Along the way, many strangers helped Richard Kimble remain The Fugitive. In the episode "Nightmare at Northoak", an entire town wants him to escape from the frustrated Lt. Gerard (Barry Morse). To relieve frustration, frequent our feature Fugitive Fridays. Tomorrow: back into the black pit of Fritz Lang's film noir.

Grim Pickens

2011-11-17T04:30:00.000-06:00

It's murder to yearn for a chick
And learn she's been turning a trick
But when Christopher's cross
He shows Kitty who's boss,
And perforates her with a pick.

Edward G. Robinson and Joan Bennett meet on Scarlet Street (Fritz Lang, 1945). Image source: Cinema of the World

Woman Innuendo

2011-11-16T04:44:00.000-06:00

He'd stayed on the narrow and straight
Till he strayed on a very hot date
Caught tight, the poor schmuck
In a nightmare was stuck,
Waylaid by a harrowing fate.

Edward G. Robinson and Joan Bennett, The Woman in the Window (Fritz Lang, 1944).

Seamy-stress

2011-11-15T04:53:00.000-06:00

We've inferred that the streets she's been hittin'

But this bird is is a curious kitten
Though she never said "when"
To plenty of men,
Absurdly, she's takin' in knittin'.

Joan Bennett in publicity shots for Man Hunt (Fritz Lang, 1941), playing a wartime London prostitute with a heart of gold. To placate the censors, a sewing machine was placed prominently in her flat, implying she did something else for a living. Titled by David Cairns, who "takes in washing" at Shadowplay.

Intrigue of Their Own

2011-11-14T04:46:00.000-06:00

He's stiff upper lip, she's hard-bitten,
But this kitten with Pidgeon is smitten
As Nazis pursue,
This odd couple woo,
Giving Hitler the slip in Great Britain.

Walter Pidgeon and Joan Bennett are chased by Nazi agents through the foggy streets of pre-war London in Man Hunt (Fritz Lang, 1941).

Gunning on Empty

2011-11-13T04:43:00.000-06:00

He hunts the most dangerous game
With his rifle he takes careful aim
But the gun is unloaded
So the Hun's unexploded
Which is really a terrible shame.

David Cairns

Hitler is a sitting duck for Walter Pidgeon in Man Hunt (1941). Up next in November Noir is a week or two on the Fritz. Fritz Lang, that is. Writer David Cairns shoots his mouth off about Herr Lang on his blog Shadowplay.

Thumb Luck

2011-11-12T05:06:00.000-06:00

He patiently sticks out his thumb
Cruel fate's left him stricken and numb
Some mysterious force
Sent him veering off course...
Or maybe the simp is just dumb.

Tom Neal stumbles through Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945). Title by finger man David Cairns.

Mental Detective

2011-11-11T04:07:00.000-06:00

A headcase with buried aggression,
He's led by his scary obsession
But the crazy cop schtick
Is what's making him sick
So he's scheduled a therapy session.

Lt Gerard (Barry Morse) has an unhealthy fixation on The Fugitive. We suggest you see Fugitive Fridays once a week. Title by couch-potato David Cairns. Image source: Richard Kimble, the Fugitive.

Somebody Call the Corpse!

2011-11-10T05:09:00.000-06:00

Can't go back and there's nowhere ahead
Guess I'm trapped on my own in my head
She was just on the phone
And yet now I'm alone
I would call but the line has gone dead.

Ann Savage and Tom Neal get wired in Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945). Image source: Like...Dreamsville. Title phoned in by David Cairns.

Inside Strait-Jacket

2011-11-09T04:56:00.000-06:00

It's straight in a corner I'm backed
I played with a deck that was stacked
Why squeal it's not fair
That the deal isn't square
When your fate is a matter of fact.

Fate deals the cards to Ann Savage and Tom Neal in Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945).

Thumb Sucker

2011-11-08T04:39:00.000-06:00

I hitch on a cross-country trek

Pull a switch that could cost me my neck
Committing this fraud
I fall in with a broad
Who's a bitch from the hot part of heck.

Tom Neal is soon sorry he stopped for Ann Savage in Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945). Title by not-at-all-thumbs David Cairns. Image source: The Man Who Wrote Too Much.

What's Wrong With this Hitcher?

2011-11-07T04:33:00.000-06:00

For screwing the pooch I've a knack
My future and brew are both black
I'm stuck in this diner
And such a big whiner
That tune on the jukebox is back.

Tom Neal can't change his tune in Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945). Title by road weary David Cairns.

High and Lobe

2011-11-06T04:50:00.000-06:00

You can't cut a piece from your brain

Though the memory brings so much pain

My murderous past

Is catching up fast

Soon the cops will detain and arraign.

David Cairns

Tom Neal hits the pavement in Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945).

No Good to the Last Drop

2011-11-05T05:01:00.000-05:00

As the law and the finish draw close
I'm more than a little morose
Bemoaning my fate
'Cause I know I await
The coffee in prison that's gross.

Tom Neal goes South in Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945). Take a sip of our earlier limericks on Detour here.

Coffee Mugged

2011-11-04T04:17:00.000-05:00

I stare at the black in the cup
From my moodily spotlit close-up

The corpses behind me

Will always remind me

How fate keeps on tripping me up.

David Cairns

Tom Neal takes it big and black in Edgar G. Ulmer's 1945 poverty row noir classic, Detour. It's available for download at the Internet Archive. David Cairns is available at Shadowplay.

The Bureau of Chiaroscuro

2011-11-04T04:01:00.000-05:00

The Fugitive runs through the night
But something just doesn't seem right
Dark shadows in color
Can't help but look duller
Noir's better in stark black-and-white.

Doesn't everything look better in black-and-white? The Fugitive sure does, which was proved when it switched to color in its fourth and final season. Paul Mavis at DVD talk agrees, and so does Fugitive Fridays.

Despair Tires

2011-11-03T04:40:00.000-05:00

I've been racing all over the map
To escape from my fate as a sap
But the travel montage
Is a fancy mirage
And each place is the same pile of crap.

Sad sack Tom Neal takes a Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945) with Edmund MacDonald. Title by wheel man David Cairns. Image source: Like...Dreamsville.

Remains of the Deluge

2011-11-02T03:11:00.000-05:00

I stare at him, dead in the rain
Aware any effort's in vain
No use even trying
I'm screwed and I'm frying
It's the chair...I could never explain.

Tom Neal's future is all wet in Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945). Image source: The Dead Eye Delirium.

Me and My Gallows

2011-11-01T04:10:00.000-05:00

Our shadows thrown long on the wall
Down alleys we criminals crawl
For dollars and sex
we stick out our necks
Through traps we will finally fall.

I build my gallows high, baby. Welcome to November Noir, a month-long celebration of the dark, the damned, and the downright despicable. Don't worry horror hounds, Vincent Price will be creeping back in December. Images: I Confess (1953); Moonrise (1948).

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Tiny Tots are Halloweeny

2011-10-31T11:04:00.000-05:00

In October, love-bitten l'il fellas
pitch proposals to big Vampirellas
But neck-biting Gidgets
reject monster midgets
and will only submit to their Belas.

Bela Lugosis, that is. Everyone at Limerwrecks wishes you a very scary Halloween! "PF" is Pete Fitzgerald, the secret identity of Backthrow, one of the poetry-mad scientists that helped create Limerwrecks. Gruesome hues by Jason and the Arrrgh!-onauts Millet.

Red Rag to a Ball

2011-10-30T04:02:00.000-05:00

My masque is a vivid diversion
With provision for ev'ry perversion
What color's your coat in?
Vermilion's verboten!
Your host has a fervent aversion.

David Cairns

Vincent Price is Prince Prospero, decadent host of the Masque of the Red Death (Roger Corman, 1964). Our Vincentennial tribute to the movie-master of the morbid will return in December, with more on Red Death, plus Dr. Phibes, Theater of Blood, and more, more, more! In the meantime, stay tuned for a month of November Noir.

Red Raver, Red Raver, Let David Come Quaver

2011-10-29T05:38:00.000-05:00

At my masque you can drink and be merry
Amontillado's the very best sherry
But my castle abode
Has a rigid dress code
So please don't wear anything cherry.

David Cairns

Vincent Price is Prince Prospero, decadent host of the Masque of the Red Death (Roger Corman, 1964). I think David is the real Vincent Price fan around here.

Spoons on the Left, Pitchforks on the Right

2011-10-28T04:39:00.000-05:00

You're welcome to enter my masque
Where in decadent splendor you'll bask
While you mingle dear guest,
I've a single request:
Do whatever the Devil will ask.

Vincent Price is a cruel, jaded Satanist (unlike all those kind, naive Satanists), in The Masque of the Red Death (Roger Corman, 1964). Image source: Title by Satanic Norm Knott.

The Doctor is INnocent

2011-10-28T04:06:00.000-05:00

Doc Kimble committed no crime
Just a case of wrong place and wrong time
Let this innocent be
and in prison stick ME --
I'm guilty of making this rhyme.

David Janssen was Dr. Richard Kimble, an innocent man forced to flee a miscarriage of justice as The Fugitive. We're guilty of committing Fugitive Fridays every week. David Cairns bears all responsibility for the title. Image source: Richard Kimble, The Fugitive.

What Bums a Legend Most?

2011-10-27T04:09:00.000-05:00

It's never much fun being last
when every loved one has passed
Each day you're apart
drives a stake through your heart
Not to mention the vamps you've harassed.

Vincent Price stars as the last human survivor of a plague of vampirism in Last Man on Earth (1964). This was the first film adaptation of Richard Matheson's novel "I Am Legend".