Nightmare Allez-vous?

Film Noir’s a term coined by the French

Who sniffed out a foul post-war stench

This fetid bouquet

Of moral decay

Arose from a World War Two trench

Amnesiac gun-toting vets
Against the long odds placed their bets
But rolled loaded dice
So paid a high price
‘cause fate will collect on all debts

John Hodiak and Nancy Guild try to remember Somewhere in the Night (Joseph L. Mankiewicz, 1947).

Mister Constrictor

A linguist who ate reptile fried
To python his palate applied
But heat wasn’t high
So snake didn’t fry
And now the poor guy is tongue-tied

Cole Shoot

Jack Cole was cartoonist complete

All others should bend at his feet

And speaking of bend

His Plas and fat friend

Were comics elastical treat

The stories have wit, twists and verve

The characters zip, drip and swerve

And then Cole did time

Cartooning crime

With comics that jolt optic nerve

The Death Patrol, Barker, Wun Cloo

And Midnight he all wrote and drew

As "Jake" his hot dames

Would fan Playboy's flames

Till one day his brains he just blew

Above: "The Death of Plastic Art" by Michael Thrush
To read more about the great Jack Cole, click here.

Head For The Hillbillies

Ol’ Cletus the yokel’s slack-jawed
There isn’t a log he ain’t sawed
And dental decay
His three teeth display
Imply that on logs he has gnawed

The Simpsons © & TM Twentieth Century
Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

Untidy Bowl

On top of my fave, Cheerios
Bananas I slice and compose
A breakfast so sweet
I can't wait to eat
Sometimes I get milk on my nose

Conspirasleaze Leery

Some say Man was not on the Moon
and Oswald was pawn, a mob goon
That famous demises
all must involve spieses
and Elvis still croons the odd tune

Let George Do It

Comedian and social critic
George Carlin gave stand-up a new shtick
Mort Sahl, Lenny Bruce
Helped Carlin turn loose
And pave way for new breed of comic

Raw Deal Breaker

Escaping from stir, on the run
a guy's got two gals and a gun
His sick pyro boss
pulled slick double-cross
and still isn't done having fun

The guy on the lam is no punk
In fact he's a good-looking hunk
He's Dennis O'Keefe
and he's got a beef:
To get Raymond Burr, the fat skunk!

See, Burr has a thing for flambés
The ladies he likes, but to braise
This hood gets his kicks
with lighter he flicks
and setting his victims ablaze

Raw Deal is one of the tough film noirs that Anthony Mann directed in the late 40s, shot by the great John Alton.

Lit Nit Wit

I memorize books, for Pete's Sake
Recite, I can, "Finnegan's Wake"
"Ulysses" and "Dune"
And "Darkness at Noon"
And what Zarathustra did spake!

Limerick Of The Day Stood Still

Can't think of a thing, out of time
I'm reaching, "My kingdom for...rhyme"
Misquoting the bard
I should be struck hard
To sully him so is a crime

Tattoo Much

Once sailors were inked drunk on booze

And circus gals bore pay-per-views

Now grannies to brats

Get covered in ‘tats’

Unmarred virgin flesh now is news

Mala Noche

A cold clammy sweat down your back
The pain feels like you're on the rack
Did God punish you
With new stomach flu?
Or was it that last deep-fried snack?

Swan Song

From gang he had just double-dealed
For mercy the stoolie appealed
Though he kneeled and he cried
All his pleas were denied
He'd cut his own throat when he squealed

Lowering the Bar

Moe Syzlak is Springfield's barkeep
He's bitter, resentful and cheap
His dream, most depraved
To keep Marge enslaved
Reveals him as stoop-shouldered creep

The Simpsons © & TM Twentieth Century
Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

Rhyme Crime

Chief Wiggum, fat arm of the law
On donuts from Lard Lad would gnaw
Raised Ralphie, his child
As if in the wild
Suggesting parental faux paw

The Simpsons © & TM Twentieth Century
Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

Teacher's Petting

Though homework he’d always forget
Bart Simpson’s not failed English yet
Since he caught Mr. Skinner
Eat Crabapple for dinner
About grammer he ain’t got to fret

The Simpsons © & TM Twentieth Century
Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

Old Flame Burns

For money Montgomery burned
Craved more, though a fortune he’d earned
But Smithers discounted
The sums he’d amounted
For three little age spots he yearned

The Simpsons © & TM Twentieth Century
Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

Old Ball Game

When Groundskeeper Willie got mad
He didn’t see red he saw plaid
He’d guzzle his Scotch
Hike kilt up a notch
And scare all the kids with a ‘nad

The Simpsons © & TM Twentieth Century
Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

Homer’s Nuclear Winter

His day at the plant, full of “D’oh!”s
Was followed by drinking at Moe’s
Then, closing the bar
He slept in his car
The fuel rod that warmed him still glows

The Simpsons © & TM Twentieth Century
Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

Unjust Desserts

A con, who’s wife baked him a cake
Escaping could not get a break
Their plan had a flaw:
He swallowed the saw
The warden’s now holding his wake

A Man’s Mann

In noirs, tough and taut, made his mark
Their look, lensed by Alton, is dark
These Bs, harsh and bleak
With cruel, nasty streak
Depict world of crime that is stark

His Westerns show men under strain

Enduring both torment and pain

James Stewart as star

Bore many a scar

The West was Mann’s fertile terrain

For vengeance his heroes will quest

In combat, their honor, they'll test

While at them will gnaw

A doubt or a flaw

Dark secrets held close to their vest

For a short overview of the Westerns of
Anthony Mann by Robin Wood, click here

The Proof is in the...

I crave crème brûlée under crust
Love flan; panna cotta's a must
Perhaps Doctor Freud
Would be overjoyed
To learn that for pudding I lust

Noir What?

I saw a strange flick (a B-rater)
which played at my local theater
The lead in this show
knew not where to go
cuz someone bumped off the narrator

Diddley Squat

By Walt Hitman

Bo Diddley played songs on a box
His 'hambone"--a beat to stop clocks
Now of angels above
He asks "who do you love?"
Saint Pete replies, "Bo Diddley rocks!"

Dumb Luck

Tex Hold ‘em takes hold on TVs
Casinos pave over tee-pees
The wheel that we spin
Says sin is now “in”
Our taxes are raised by disease

Bad Taste Gone Good

The artist Chicago calls Mitch
Keeps mining a vein that is rich
His subjects, iconic
He renders ironic
A master of pop crossed with kitsch


To see more art by Mitch O'Connell
on his cool website, click here

Winner By (R)KO

This master of morbid ennui
Took zombie for walk with Jacques T.
His films are both scary
and très literary
Val Lewton earned horror degree



His series of RKO "Bs"
are creepy and strange reveries
He wrote and produced
and on the screen loosed
films haunted by dark poetries

To go to the The Val Lewton B-Unit site, click here

Canine and a Half Weeks

A snobbish young man of society
Did secretly crave bestiality
With mongrels he'd lie
But first he would pry
To make sure they had a good pedigree

Looks Like A Job For Superstitious Man

Spilled salt, over shoulder, is tossed
The path of black cat’s never crossed
Won’t step on a crack
Or break your mom’s back
Take walk under ladder...you’re lost

Mighty Mouths

Performers Viv Vance, Rose Marie
And Merman destroyed Carnegie
They burst into song
With voices so strong
The Hall's now condemned property