Thursday, April 24, 2014

By the Light of the Salivary Moon

Have pity on werewolfen Larry
His bits in these scare-films don't vary
Moonbeams zinging his glands,
Soon he's wringing his hands
As the mitts grow unbearably hairy.

I assume Larry Talbot would have worried about becoming/the Wolf Man in HOUSE OF THE WOLF MAN--he did in every film.  Image: Lon Chaney Jr in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948). Title by lightheaded David Cairns.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

House Arrest of the Wolf Man

Patchwork German and Drac are his guests
In the vermin-filled shack where he rests
But the walls are too thin
And, appalled by the din,
He's determined to whack the two pests.

It's getting mighty crowded in HOUSE OF THE WOLFMAN, Universal's planned but never produced follow-up their two "House" monster mash-ups. Image: Lon Chaney Jr. in The Wolf Man (1941).

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Spring Has Sprung a Leak

First of the Year

by Hilary Barta

The besotted on Clark Street are searching
Dodging potholes they’re parking, then lurching
To watch Cubbies they swarm
Though a drubbing’s the norm
At the bottom those barkers are perching.

It's spring in Chicago, and that means my limericks turn to baseball, and that means the Cubs, and that ain't good. This and much, much more at, reviving the art of baseball doggerel.

Paws For Reflection

From the roar and the glare of the streets,
To the forest this were-man retreats
Where at last, mouth a-foam,
Not harassed, he's at home
Growing more and more hair on his feets.

Alas, no HOUSE for the Wolf Man. Image: Lon Chaney Jr. stalks the moors in The Wolf Man (1941). Let us pause to thank David Cairns for the title.

Monday, April 21, 2014

House-Training of the Wolf Man

The werewolf has yet to find rooming
The scare-movie vet must be fuming
Like an owl, up all night
He will howl, then he'll bite
And beware! Like a pet, he needs grooming.

The Wolf Man/Larry Talbot (Lon Chaney Jr.) trashes yet another hotel room in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (Charles Barton; 1948). We're musing on HOUSE OF THE WOLFMAN, Universal's never produced follow-up to their monster "House" films.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Zombie Flesh Easter

It's Easter, give praise, do not mourn
Your deceased savior's raised, is reborn
But these dead, now alive
Open heads to survive
And will feast on your brains Sunday morn.

Pasty-faced extras lurch through Night of the Living Dead (1968). Our title is by David Cairns, and is a nod to Zombies 2, aka Zombie Flesh Eaters (1979). We're going to hell for reposting this holiday limerick.  The Universal Monsters will return tomorrow.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Mane Man

The scripts dictate Larry romances,
And with gypsies take terrible chances
That he worries and mopes,
And scurries and lopes,
Then flips when his hairline advances.

Imagining the Universal monster film that never was, HOUSE OF THE WOLF MAN. If they had made it, my guess is the Wolf Man's story would follow the established pattern. Image: Larry Talbot (Lon Chaney Jr.) transforms into The Wolf Man (George Waggner; 1941).

Friday, April 18, 2014

Fur and Away

Fang and bolt-bearing chaps get chateaus
Where the dolts hang their caps and chapeaus
But the werewolf's a stray
With no lair where to stay
As he molts in time-lapse last repose.

What if Universal actually produced HOUSE OF THE WOLFMAN, the planned follow-up to House of Frankenstein and House of Dracula? Image: Lon Chaney Jr. in The Wolf Man (1941).

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Keeping the Wolf Man From the Door

Frank and Drac have a building apiece
Rank and black, and yet still there's a lease
But poor Larry's left kneeling
With the sky for a ceiling
No dank shack, just a chill without cease.

David Cairns

Imagining HOUSE OF THE WOLFMAN, Universal's never produced follow-up to House of Frankenstein and House of Dracula.  Image: Lon Chaney Jr. in Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man (1943).

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Unreal Estate

There's Chez Frankenstein's gloomy decor
And blood banks line Drac's rooms, drenched in gore  
But adrift, no address
Does shape-shifter possess
Doesn't rank even broom closet floor. 

David Cairns

We have finally loped and lumbered through the entirety of the Universal Frankenstein films.This one's about Universal's intention, never fulfilled, to follow up their two monster mash-ups, House of Frankenstein and House of Dracula, with HOUSE OF THE WOLFMAN. Image: Lon Chaney, Jr. in The Wolf Man (1941).

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Burly Retirement

He's ill-fashioned, a sawbones' invention
Monster mash-up, with flawed comprehension
Though he ought to retire
He gets caught in a pyre
Now as ashes he's drawing his pension.

David Cairns

Frankenstein's Monster (Glenn Strange, and his dummy stand-in) meets a fiery end and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein. 

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Wrong Goodbye

It's for bed-rest this narcolept's yearning
But instead his poor carcass is burning                  
In a comedy cast,
He craves dramas long past
Career dead, into charcoal he's turning.

The Monster meets his fate: Glenn Strange in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (Charles Barton; 1948).

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Every Which Way But Lou's

What's a chiller film scrapper to do
When the silly and slapstick ensue?
Can their brain, set "baroque",
Stand the strain of a joke?
Will they still give a crap and say "Boo!"?

Wilbur Grey (Lou Costello), Count Dracula (Béla Lugosi) and the Frankenstein Monster (Glenn Strange) goof around in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (Charles Barton; 1948). Title by loose-lipped David Cairns.