Friday, September 19, 2014

Arrrh is for Robert

Robert Newton's a jolly jack tar
With a parrot called Polly he'll spar
And this slimy ship's cook
Needs no eye-patch or hook
To let rip with a rollicking "ARRRH!"

David Cairns

Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. The day's patron saint is the late English actor Robert Newton, best remembered for playing the wild-eyed Long John Silver and inventing the phrase "Arrrgh, matey!" in the Walt Disney version of Treasure Island. That portrayal became the standard for screen portrayals of pirates and he is often credited with inventing the stereotypical "pirate voice" by exaggerating the accent of his native West Country.

Image: Robert Newton as Long John Silver in Treasure Island (Byron Haskin, 1950), with Bobby Driscoll. Newton also played the colorful pirate in Return to Treasure Island (54), Long John Silver (54), and a television series, The Adventures of Long John Silver (1955).

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Pardon us...

We'll be back after a short break.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

My Fuzzy Valentine


With her hair in a tower of frizz
She's a scary and powerful Ms.
I would woo her to wed
But we two belong dead
As she glares, a KAPOW! makes us fizz.

David Cairns

The Monster (Boris Karloff) blows up the Bride (Elsa Lanchester) in  Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Monday, September 15, 2014

Bride's Dead Revisited

What spells bliss in his shoddy old brain 
Is a miss with a bod to profane 
But his search for a "friend"
Here will lurch to an end
With a hiss from this odd ball and chain.

The Bride rejects the Monster: Elsa Lanchester and Boris Karloff in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Sad State of the Union

He had hopes that his dreams she'd fulfill
But the dope's self-esteem rolled downhill 
Just one peek at his face
And she'd shriek, not embrace
There's no coping with screaming so shrill.


Colin Clive, Elsa Lanchester, Ernest Theisinger and Boris Karloff as the monster in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Wedded Blitz


In a thunderous storm she's created
With a son who's abnormal she's mated
But his bliss will be gone
When she'll hiss like a swan
It's no wonder -- his form is R-rated.

David Cairns
Elsa Lanchester's Bride isn't too happy to see Boris Karloff's Monster in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Friday, September 12, 2014

Behind the Mate Ball

He's a patchwork of dearly departed
And a catch-all that's clearly re-started
Craving mate by his side
They create him a bride
But his "match's" Bronx cheer only smarted.

As the Bride, Elsa Lanchester is one of the most memorable scream queens of all. With Colin Clive,  Boris Karloff and Ernest Theisinger in Bride of Frankenstein (1935). Title by behind-the-times Norm Knott.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Unbridaled Sweet


This a la carte Jack wants a Jill
Just a doll who'll play part of twin bill
But his dreams as intended
By her screams have been ended
So he'll swallow his heart and he'll kill.

As the bride, Elsa Lanchester makes a most unusual scream queen; with Boris Karloff as the Monster, in Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935). Title by David "Sweetback" Cairns.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

From This Day Backward

To the shindig it's not been invited
Almost kin, it feels rotten when slighted
When it shows, the poor bride,
Who has nowhere to hide,
Like a ninny grows overexcited.

Bride-to-be Elizabeth (scream queen Mae Clarke) has an unexpected visitor in the monster (Boris Karloff): Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931).

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Lagoon Show

This beauty we thrilled seeing wet
Her suit nicely filled won't forget
Through the weeds she was swimming
Our libidos were brimming
In pursuit something gilled made us sweat.

Julie Adams swam into our hearts (and other parts) in Creature From the Black Lagoon (Jack Arnold; 1954). Title by show-stopper David Cairns.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Ingrate Expectations

In the dank of the forest she'd sink
But he yanks her ashore from the drink
With her butt safe, if wet,
Just what thanks does he get?
From Franky in horror she'll shrink.

The Frankenstein Monster (Boris Karloff) saves a young shepherdess (Anne Darling) from drowning. Her screams upon seeing him alert two hunters, who shoot and injure the creature: Bride of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1935).

Friday, September 5, 2014

The Bride and Doom


Unshowered, unhip and un-sane
Full of power but zip on the brain
So dumb that it blunders
So clumsy, one wonders
Just how it won't trip on her train.

Like a horrific Harpo, the Monster chases Elizabeth, bride-to-be of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931): Boris Karloff and Mae Clarke, today's Scream Queens. Title by doomsayer David Cairns.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Dreading Bells

Her wedding night's quite the sensation
But instead of a light celebration,
A guest of the groom
Did its best to spread doom,
And she fled from the frightful creation.

Mae Clarke earns scream queen cred as Elizabeth, bride-to-be of Frankenstein (James Whale; 1931). With Boris Karloff as the Monster. Title by penny dreadful David Cairns.